Dear Shani - Lost December 23, 2006 Options

[Daria]

Shani was the most amazing and beautiful little friend. She was a miniature schnauzer and my husband and I grew so very attached to her. She was very healthy for most of her life and didn't have any major medical issues. Out of the blue she started having grand mal seizures, the first one in October which was absolutely terrifying to witness and the vet put her on potassium bromide which helped to control the seizures but also made her drowsy, irritable and clumsy. The vet advised us that at her age seizures usually indicate the presence of a brain tumor.

We couldn't afford to get an MRI to absolutely confirm the diagnosis but were pretty sure that the vet was correct after doing our own research and observing her symptoms. As I think back to the few months prior to the seizures she had been showing symptoms and her personality started to change and she got to where she had trouble keeping balance and she couldn't navigate stairs anymore. I think in a way we knew she would die soon so we were able to prepare. But it is still a shock and you always hold out some hope that they will recover up until the very end.

Her symptoms continued to get worse and by the morning of Saturday Dec 23 she had declined so rapidly over the previous evening that she was having trouble remaining conscious as her lungs started filling with fluid and her heart was stopping. My husband Bruce was holding her close to his chest and we were hoping she would die naturally as he held her but I insisted on taking her to the vet as I didn't want her to suffer nor did I want to have to bury her. We made the agonizing decision that morning to have her put to rest. We had been through this once before but it is never easy. We are waiting for her ashes to be returned. It's been very hard. She was almost 13.

I still look for her and reach down near my legs to touch her every morning when I wake up. I still have trouble believing she's gone. Everything we did involved her. I spoke to her constantly. I loved to sing to her and make up silly songs for her. Every single moment of every day I thought of her. If I was at work, I couldn't wait to get home to be with her. She was everything that was good and right in the world. She was so pure and remarkable in every way. She was so smart and funny. She spoke in her adorable and unique way quite often. When we were with her she never once let us out of her sight nor did we let her out of ours. Every time I looked at her it made me smile.

She was with us virtually every moment of her life and she slept with us every single night on our bed and was such a happy and fun little character. She loved life so much and was able to travel to many different states when we went camping & got to stay in hotels with us. We never went anywhere without her and she was definitely the central focus of our life. In fact, when we first got her in Feb 1994 I took a week of vacation off to stay with her! Thereafter, every vacation day, day off, and holiday was spent with her.

Before moving to Iowa last February we owned a small bookstore in Northern California. She became the store dog and was with us all day every day. For the past several years and up to the moment she died there was never a time when she was alone. It was important to my husband and I that she was always with us and we were fortunate to have been able to arrange our life to make that possible. She was the most playful doggie I've ever known. She had a whole laundry basket full of toys and would play with each and every one. She would even put her toys back in the basket once she was done playing with them! We were sure she was a genius and she proved that time and time again!

When I would come home with bags of groceries she insisted on looking in every bag. Often I would buy her a new toy and hide it in one of the bags for her to find. She so loved getting new toys! She also used to love playing with lemons and limes. She was so funny because she would bite them and get the juice in her mouth and would get the funniest look on her face. But, she would continue to play with them like a ball anyway. Often I would go to work and open my bag and find a toy or two inside. I used to love that! She also used to love digging in the dirt, going to the beach and playing in the snow. She was a great watchdog and was fiercely protective of us. It took her quite awhile to warm up to other people.

For the past several months my husband has been unemployed and Shani was by his side every day and provided much needed support. She would go to him and put her paw on top of or in his hand several times a day and look at him to let him know she was there. She would insist on him playing with her and would make him take her outside several times a day. She actively helped him stay upbeat and positive and gave him so much joy. On the other hand, since her health was declining it was a comfort to know that she wasn't alone and was able to be nursed by my husband while I was at work during the day. Even though we were struggling with one income we knew that it was a blessing to have Bruce at home with her. Things happen the way they are supposed to it would seem.

I lost my brother September 2005, his best friend in October 2005 and my uncle in December 2005 and Shani was there to help me through those terrible losses. I came to rely on her for support and she gladly gave everything she had and more. I have no regrets other than the fact that she is no longer with us. We gave her everything she needed and she gave us so much more in return. She was loved very much - very, very much. She smiled often and was an amazing soul. It helps me to share her life with you. She did indeed have a most wonderful life. It's hard to imagine ever getting over this sweet creature. I wish I could adequately convey how special she was but words do little justice.

No one could have loved her more than us. I am sure of that!

Daria

Here is a picture of Shani. Her name means "Little Entertainer".
She couldn't have had a more appropriate name!

[lynda]

Oh Daria, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. What a beautiful little girl, I am sure you miss her every moment. One thing that I am grateful for is that you are able to see all these wonderful pictures and to share them with us. I hope that it does your heart good to go through these images and realize from looking at them what a good, loved life that you provided for Shani. It is so obvious what good care you took of her and that she knew that she was cherished. I have only today begun to look at my photo albums (I lost my beloved cat on Christmas morning), but that was a thought that came to me when I did begin to look at them. It is hard not to have some regrets about something when a loved one leaves this earth, but going through the photos I was comforted by all the happy scenes of my baby in good health and doing things that he loved. It helped me feel that, yes, he did have a good life.

I do know the feeling of having visitations from beloved pets who are no longer here with me in physical form...visitations that seem so real that I am devastated all over again when I discover that they have not really returned to me. Larry had a little friend he was very close to...in fact he raised the little guy from a tiny shelter kitten. Atticus was never strong physically, and we lost him at the age of only 10. I thought I would never get over it. Several times I had dreams in which I was able to see him, even hold him and stroke his fur again. On waking he was gone again, and I would feel like my heart was being crushed. I am not sure whether he came to comfort me (my grief was very painful and lasted awfully long), or if he was wanting somehow to return to his home with us, he missed us so. It would have been just like him to want to do both...Well, I do not have those dreams anymore, but what happens now is that I see him in dreams but he is waaaaay out in this sunny meadow, playing and enjoying the sunshine (he was so in love with the hot sun that I often had to remove him from the screened porch for fear he would let himself overheat.) He looks in my direction, but he does not come to me. He seems to be conveying the thought that he is happy where he is, and that it will be soon enough that we are all together again. It's been almost five years, and I still see him out there in the meadow. I am at peace with it.

Daria, I am so, so glad that you can count on the knowledge that you were with Shani when you had your vacations and time off. This is a comfort to me too. I used to feel a little sorry for myself because I was so protective of the cats that I did not go off and leave them for any lengths of time for vacations, but now that my original group is all gone, I am extremely grateful that it was like this. I never spent a couple of days at the beach, but I treasure the memory of our "special moments" at home. Not even a month in Hawaii all expenses paid would even come close to the value of one day off curled up with Larry.

I'm new to this site too, but already have experienced enormous benefits and comfort from the wonderful loving hearts here who understand. I'm so glad you have come to us. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you move through this sad new land of grieving.

Lynda