Euthanasia, Help me to accept I did the right thing Options

[sheps mama]

I am new to the forum & don't know if I am using it properly, please bear with me. I have just lost my precious Old English Sheepdog, Shep. He was 14 1/2 years old and I don't think I will ever feel normal again. The vet advised us over a month ago to put him to sleep as old age was wrecking his body. He was having problems walking at times but his spirit was willing - it was just his body that was letting him down. He was clearly suffering froom old age but because we were with him all the time, it seemed very gradual to us and not as bad as the vet made out. We love this boy with every bit of us and now the pain is just too much to bear. He was the most loving, giving creature and now I feel that I have let him down just when he needed us most. We did the inevitable yesterday and I feel like someone has ripped me apart from the inside out. I have cried, screamed and shouted and nothing is making this feeling of overwhelming guilt & sorrow go away. How could I have believed that we were doing this for his good? I held his head in my hands as he slipped away and now his face is haunting my every moment. I knew I would never ever be ready to accept that it was his time but now I feel that he wasn't ready either - the way he looked at me as he slipped away - I will never ever forgive myself. I feel that life has just lost it's sparkle and I will never here or see my precious boy again. Can someone please help me believe that we did the right thing before I lose my mind altogether?

[lynda]

Dear Shep's Mama,
I am so, so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to know when to say goodbye, harder in some cases than others but always hard. That is only to say, in some cases it is more obvious than others that the loved one is suffering. A person who loves their pet is just torn to pieces by the conflicting feelings that they have. I have been through it now six times since I moved here in 1988 and began to keep cats who were my sole responsibility. Christmas morning 2006 I lost the last of my original group, my Larry, who was born in 1990 and given to me as a tiny kitten.

I am in the darkest place, in agonizing pain, even though in Larry's case I had been told a diagnosis of inoperable cancer, and there did not seem to be any other right thing to do but to let him go. He was so special I sometimes cannot find the words, God's own gift to me at the loneliest and scariest part of my whole long life, when I was new on a demanding job almost 2.000 miles from the home I grew up in. Before I received that little kitten I did not know it was possible to love somebody so much.

The words of your posts speak to me, because in the years since '88 I have sometimes not let go of my babies as soon as I perhaps should have. And yet each time I have suffered terrible guilt for thinking I let them go too soon. Most of the cats did not show the kind of pain they were probably going through...they seemed to want to cling to life, to spend just a little more time with me, give it one more try to eat a little dinner, sleep another night snuggled up next to me. I always prayed that when each came into their time, I would have a more definite and well-informed idea of when it was really time. In Larry's case I feel that I had something as close to this as I ever had in any other case. And yet...

My sweet child, he was still snuggling on the sofa with me. He was still eating a little every few hours. Still purring, still hugging my arm with his paws. When I made the terrible decision he looked at each of us, me and my husband both, gazed deep into our eyes. What did this look really mean? I will never know...I just know that although Larry did not seem like someone terminally ill, his whole body was full of cancer and there was nothing in the future except suffering. I knew that, and yet this loving gaze caused me pain of guilt that was beyond enduring. I well know I did the right thing...but did he have more hours, more days, did he want to live? Could something be done? Did this vet really know what she was talking about? It was so terrible for me and I am so sorry that others like yourself have to go through it too.

I can tell you that you did the best and proper thing for Shep, but I can also tell you that I understand how much it hurts. Ironically, it hurts as much as remembering the times when you wonder if you waited too long. I'm so sorry. It is just the hardest thing you will ever have to do. I am only comforted by believing that I am blessed to have had a way to transfer the suffering from my sweet innocent baby onto myself. You did the right thing, but you need some time to accept this. Forgiving yourself is very hard, but I believe that your baby does not need to work on this forgiveness. Shep is a young dog now, no pain, no sorrow, and if you listen very close you might be able to hear him sending you a wonderful thought: Here I am, Mommy! Over here, in this beautiful meadow!