Euthanasia, Help me to accept I did the right thing Options

[sheps mama]

I am new to the forum & don't know if I am using it properly, please bear with me. I have just lost my precious Old English Sheepdog, Shep. He was 14 1/2 years old and I don't think I will ever feel normal again. The vet advised us over a month ago to put him to sleep as old age was wrecking his body. He was having problems walking at times but his spirit was willing - it was just his body that was letting him down. He was clearly suffering froom old age but because we were with him all the time, it seemed very gradual to us and not as bad as the vet made out. We love this boy with every bit of us and now the pain is just too much to bear. He was the most loving, giving creature and now I feel that I have let him down just when he needed us most. We did the inevitable yesterday and I feel like someone has ripped me apart from the inside out. I have cried, screamed and shouted and nothing is making this feeling of overwhelming guilt & sorrow go away. How could I have believed that we were doing this for his good? I held his head in my hands as he slipped away and now his face is haunting my every moment. I knew I would never ever be ready to accept that it was his time but now I feel that he wasn't ready either - the way he looked at me as he slipped away - I will never ever forgive myself. I feel that life has just lost it's sparkle and I will never here or see my precious boy again. Can someone please help me believe that we did the right thing before I lose my mind altogether?

[E.M]

Sheps Mama, Debbie

We are not all on the other side of the world and all sleeping at the same time, I'm in North Wales, so will always be online in our time so to speak.

So if you ever need to speak, you don't have to wait till everyone else is up, if that is any help.

This may not be of any help but what I found myself doing is walking (sounds so puny and pathetic doesn't it) but the wilder the weather the better, the more stormy, the wetter, the colder the better, after all when you are devoid of all emotion except sadness, remorse and grief then it doesn't matter what the weather does. I think this helped because the more turbulent the weather the more it matched me inside. I don't know which part of Scotland you live in but may be to go out for an hour will settle your husband a bit too?
It will be hard, the first time I walked our usual walk up the lane past the house, it was awful, why? My Denis is a cat but thought sometimes he was a dog because he always came for a walk with us, no matter how far, he came. If he got tired he would stop at a certain point and wait for us to pick him up on the way back.

Today I felt such an overwhelming sense of oppression in the house that I had to open all the doors and windows to let the cold air in. I don't know why I needed to do this. Just letting the cold air in seem to settle me a bit. I had to take down the decorations, I put them up when I was happy and now I'm not.

You will come through this, it's so painful and takes time to heal, every day it gets a little easier, just a little. You will see that you did the right thing when the guilt moves aside. And remember, do what you want to do, you have a right to grieve in your own way and in your own time. Everyone of us is different, we all handle it differently and all do what we can to get through it, no two people are the same and no two people will react the same. You both need to do your own thing at a time like this.

E.M (Debbie)