Weeping Alot On The Last Day Of 2006... Options

[BooBoo's Mom]

I just don't know what the matter is with me, but this changing of the year is making me so sad and weepy. I just DON'T WANT my dog to have died "last year." All day today, I haven't been able to think or speak of my dog without crying and I haven't done that since he first died in March. I feel like I am losing him all over again just because a new year will soon start. I guess it's like he doesn't exist in 2007, like he did in 2006. I feel like the world doesn't know him in 2007. I tell you, I feel crazy sometimes.

[Furkidlets' Mom]

In the days leading up to this, I could not even utter the well-wishing phrase.It just stuck in my throat as I cringed away from hearing that phrase and the best I could do was say in reply, "Same to you...", and in fact, still can't even type those words. There's nothing remotely "happy" about it, to me. We'd just gotten back from our little holiday trip (a whole other story) and after trying my best to hold back all the welling sorrow inside myself for 5 days, I was exhausted and feeling terrible. I declined watching the fireworks our town puts on each New Year and feel asleep on the couch instead while watching some TV. My H kindly left me there, knowing how much pain I was in and thankfully, I didn't wake up until well after midnight, after having had a brief appearance in one of my troubled dreams, with both Nissa and Sabin suddenly showing up as young kidlets under a year old, having some fun with each other. It didn't feel like a visitation, but it was still good to 'see' them so young and perky and happy. But my soul felt sick and empty when I headed up to bed, as our pattern had been for me and Nissa to fall asleep together on the couch and then get woken up by her daddy at midnight so we could all kiss-in the New Year, then head off to bed. All I had this year was my cat stuffie toy to clutch, and Nissa's pictures to kiss. I went to bed crying my eyes out again, with Life feeling tasteless, joyless and devoid of any interest or investment. In plain English, I just don't care about anything, really. Our time away only made that all the more obvious, no matter how hard I tried to 'come back to life'. This is the shortest 'preparation' time I've ever had after a major loss to 'recover' before a new year has begun, and it still seems like an impossible dream to come to terms with a different date w/o my girl being a part of it here.

Thanks, John, for your 'timely' reminder about the state of timelessness, existing right alongside OUR (false) perception of time moving in a linear direction, rather than not really existing at all in another 'reality'. I'll be needing that concept as a reminder for probably at least the next year or two, if not 'forever'.