Euthanasia, Help me to accept I did the right thing Options

[sheps mama]

I am new to the forum & don't know if I am using it properly, please bear with me. I have just lost my precious Old English Sheepdog, Shep. He was 14 1/2 years old and I don't think I will ever feel normal again. The vet advised us over a month ago to put him to sleep as old age was wrecking his body. He was having problems walking at times but his spirit was willing - it was just his body that was letting him down. He was clearly suffering froom old age but because we were with him all the time, it seemed very gradual to us and not as bad as the vet made out. We love this boy with every bit of us and now the pain is just too much to bear. He was the most loving, giving creature and now I feel that I have let him down just when he needed us most. We did the inevitable yesterday and I feel like someone has ripped me apart from the inside out. I have cried, screamed and shouted and nothing is making this feeling of overwhelming guilt & sorrow go away. How could I have believed that we were doing this for his good? I held his head in my hands as he slipped away and now his face is haunting my every moment. I knew I would never ever be ready to accept that it was his time but now I feel that he wasn't ready either - the way he looked at me as he slipped away - I will never ever forgive myself. I feel that life has just lost it's sparkle and I will never here or see my precious boy again. Can someone please help me believe that we did the right thing before I lose my mind altogether?

[sheps mama]

To everyone who has replied to my post, I thank you from the bottom of my heart (i'm not sure how to reply individually so this is to all of you). I am in Scotland and it is around 9 a.m at the moment and I have just woken up after a fitful night. The moment I opened my eyes this morning it all came back to me like a kick in the guts - no seconds of merciful memory loss. Then I remembered that I may have some replies and logged on. Your kind words have helped me enormously, I cant tell you how much. It really helps to know that other people completely understand how I am feeling (utterly insane and like I'll never be the same again) and this is a comfort in itself.

I think what's eating me up is the fact that although the vet said to euthanise Shep over a month ago, and my partner has been slowly trying to get me to think about doing it since then (he is as crazy about Shep as me), when the day came (Sat 30th dec) it was me who said "phone the vet." We hadn't really been speaking the day before because he was trying again to get me to agree to call the vet and I had been ignoring him in the vain hope that he would stop. He spent most of the day quietly ignoring me in the house and when I asked him what was wrong he would just say that I wasn't helping by ignoring the issue. My problem was that although Shep had clearly lost his sparkle, it came back now & then and he would bounce about for a little bit. As I have said, it was his body that was letting him down - nothing else. He had osteo-arthritis and had been treated for it for around 5 years. His eyes are an amazing blue colour and on that morning they were just so bright. He was still responding to us, but his back end was wobbly and unstable - he would often trip going down the stairs or just out on his walks. But to me, he was still fine. So in a way I feel that I ended Shep's life too early because my partner and I weren't speaking. I feel that in the end it was me who rushed it along because i called the vet to see if they could come to the house, and it was me who said to go ahead. Shep was lying on his blanket dozing when they arrived and as he was going deaf, didn't notice when they came into the room. The vet seemed to take this as a sign that he was unresponsive but I told her that he was just a bit deaf. He allowed them to shave his paw for the needle and didn't struggle. But I feel that this is because he trusted us and as I was there holding him, he knew I wouldn't allow anything to happen to him....but I did. I'll never forget how he looked at me as it happened, as if to say "how could you? I'm not ready for this , can't you see that I'm okay for a while yet?" This is gnawing away at me constantly and I don't think that anyone can make me feel different about this part.
Now, my partner and I are dealing with his loss differently - he wants to go away somewhere and I don't. I want to be at home where Shep spent practically all of his last year (he used to come everyhere with us all of the time) as he became older and less mobile. This is causing tension as he wants to get out & about but I am in tears every other moment and can't control this. I don't want to be around people when I could "crack up" at any moment.

So Danya, Renee, Kim R, Daisy's Mommy, & Ken Albin - thank you for taking the time to try to help me and thank God I found this site. Your words are some comfort to me whilst my emotions are still so raw. Thank you,
Debbie,
Shep's mama.