Euthanasia, Help me to accept I did the right thing Options

[sheps mama]

I am new to the forum & don't know if I am using it properly, please bear with me. I have just lost my precious Old English Sheepdog, Shep. He was 14 1/2 years old and I don't think I will ever feel normal again. The vet advised us over a month ago to put him to sleep as old age was wrecking his body. He was having problems walking at times but his spirit was willing - it was just his body that was letting him down. He was clearly suffering froom old age but because we were with him all the time, it seemed very gradual to us and not as bad as the vet made out. We love this boy with every bit of us and now the pain is just too much to bear. He was the most loving, giving creature and now I feel that I have let him down just when he needed us most. We did the inevitable yesterday and I feel like someone has ripped me apart from the inside out. I have cried, screamed and shouted and nothing is making this feeling of overwhelming guilt & sorrow go away. How could I have believed that we were doing this for his good? I held his head in my hands as he slipped away and now his face is haunting my every moment. I knew I would never ever be ready to accept that it was his time but now I feel that he wasn't ready either - the way he looked at me as he slipped away - I will never ever forgive myself. I feel that life has just lost it's sparkle and I will never here or see my precious boy again. Can someone please help me believe that we did the right thing before I lose my mind altogether?

[Kim R.]

You did the right thing.
It has been quite some time since my last post here at LS. I have tried my best to 'wean' myself from it, but with the end of yet another year without my baby, I have found myself wandering back from time to time....then I read your post and my heart just broke...I had to reply. It has been 2 1/2 years since I had to make that dreaded decision for my best girl, Sasha...I am still haunted by it to this day and I just can't let go of the guilt. Sasha was 16 years old, and like your Shep, had a failing body. She was crippled with arthritis, which we kept under reasonable control with several meds/supplements, but when the DM hit her (a disease that causes slow paralysis), her mobility became even worse...she could barely walk on her own. I knew that if I didn't make that choice for her she would most certainly suffer complete paralysis and that would be a very traumatic and stressful event for her. Prior to having my daughter, I was a vet tech for many years and I saw so many animals suffer beyond what I considered humane because the owners just couldn't let go....because of that, I always promise her that I would never let her suffer....I had to keep that promise no matter what the cost. I will forever carry all the 'what if's'. What if I would have waited just a little longer...maybe she would have died on her own. What if I would have waited a little longer...that 'new treatment' just might have worked for her. What if she wasn't ready to go yet....does she forgive me and know that I did it because I love her so very much<here come the tears>. I would give anything to have that day back, yet, for her sake, I'm glad I can't. I know that I chose that moment for a reason. Although my memory likes to play tricks on me and have the truth be clouded when I second guess how bad she really was (thank God my husband is here to remind me), I know that I was following my heart and I did what I did for her because I love her so much. I would have NEVER let her go for any other reason than because it was what was best for her....why on earth else would I have done it! I have to trust 'in the moment'. I have to trust that at that moment I knew that she was no longer happy (although I too am haunted by the look in her eye at the time, and even though we had her sedated first, I heard a very faint whine as the fianl injection was given. I have had a really hard time with that because I feel like she was trying her best to say "NO!".... and I can never take it back. My husband tries to comfort me by saying 'even if she wasn't ready (which he thinks is far from the truth and said he thinks she was ready way before then) she is now in a beautiful place that she wouldn't trade for all the world and wouldn't have it any other way'....I certainly hope so). Even after all this time I miss her more than words can say, and I still have cry fests. This is the third Christmas without her and I still couldn't bare to close the decoration box wih her stocking still in it, so I hung it with all the rest....not a word was said...everyone knows how I feel about my best girl. She was my special girl...my canine soulmate...and I'll never know a love like that again. I have other animals, but they aren't my Sasha, so it's not the same. People say it hurts the same either way, but I know myself, and I know that I would have been able to accept her death had she gone naturally. That isn't to say I would miss her any less, I'm just saying that I wouldn't have to wonder whether or not it was her time....I wouldn't feel like I murdered my child....I don't think I will ever forgive myself...I will carry this guilt and pain to my grave...but the funny thing is that even after 2 1/2 years of total hell without her, I would do it all again if given the chance...go figure....


I know its time for me to go,
it's tearing you apart
so,Mommy, let me send these thoughts
directly to your heart.

I followed you for 16 years
with love and loyalty
because I always knew
you'd do the very best for me.

I thank you for the efforts
that you made to ease my pain
but the years have since caught up with me
and now it's all in vain.

So now I look into your eyes,
beyond into your soul
I ask you to make this choice for me
and once more make me whole.

You're giving me a special gift,
please look at it as such
As much as I would like to stay
the pain is just too much.

Please understand just what this gift
you're giving means to me
it gives me back the strength I've lost
and all my dignity.

So cut the ties that hold me here,
I just can't wait to run
for all the suffering to end,
to once again be young.

So one last time I'll lay with you and
through your hands I'll feel
the strength that you have found
within to grant me this appeal.

I'm not afraid so do not weep,
I know what waits for me
a beautful place of cloudless skies and
endless fields of green.

I'll be there watching over you,
your ever faithful friend
and visit in your dreams
at night a young dog once again.

Sasha,
I can never repay
you for all you gave to me.
My life was forever changed having known you,
loved you, lost you.
No other has, or ever will,
hold a candle to you, for you are my canine soulmate.
I'll see you in my dreams, sweet Sasha.

You are painfully missed my most sweet girl....
Love-Mommy