My Valentina Has Crossed The Rainbow Bridge. Options

[eclipse]

It is a relief to find this forum, and to know that I am neither alone nor crazy for feeling as deep sorrow as I do. It will be a week tomorrow since I had my beautiful little grey cat, Valentina pts. She was such a joy in the 9 years we spent together. I was not prepared for the grief I feel at her passing. The decision to have my beloved pet pts was the most difficult and heart-rendering one I've ever made.

She had nasty, invasive cancer. By the time I noticed she had lost weight, it was already too late. I initially thought it might have been a change of food I'd made a few weeks earlier. I scheduled an appointment with a new Vet (I'd moved to a different town) for checkups and vacs for both cats.

The Vet sadly told me her left kidney had tumorous growth, and was 4 times normal size. I could tell he hated telling me that. Within a period of a week, the growth increased tremendously, and it was apparent she was no longer enjoying life. The kitty who would appear like magic in the kitchen every time I went in there, and would "hoover" up food, now had to be coaxed to eat. She used to walk circles around her housemate in order to get petted first, but now she would hesitate before letting me touch her.

Every fiber in my body screamed NO, but I called and made the final appointment. I am working through anger with myself about not paying enough attention to see she was this ill, and guilt that she needlessly suffered pain because of my ignorance. At the beginning of her life, someone threw her away like trash. She was found shivering in a tree on a cold February day. What they threw away was a precious gem. It is going to take a while to work through the feeling that I failed in my promise to always take care of her.

I am very grateful to the Vet I brought her to for his skillful and sensitive handing of Valentina's situation. This Dr. had not treated my cat before, but acted as if she were a long time patient. He had a way of answering my questions that allowed me to see her situation clearly, what options there were, and to come to conclusions myself as to what was the best choice for her. Even on the day of her last appointment, his questions as to her condition and one last exam allowed me to validate that I was doing what was best for her. God bless this man and all other Vets like him. As healers, this part of the job can't be easy for them to do.

I am having difficulty in talking to others about this. Many of the people I've tried to talk to are very insensitive and have actually said "Oh, there are plenty of cats, just go get another, better yet, get two", or "My God, it's only a cat". She wasn't just a cat, she was part of my family and she can't be interchanged or replaced. What I want to respond with is this - Imagine that your child has just died. How would you feel if someone said "Oh just go home and make another one", or "My God, it's only a kid"? But I don't because it would be just plain mean. I just walk away and vow not to talk to that person again about something so personal and deeply painful.

I know that folks here will understand how I feel. I've read most of the posts and know that others here have suffered devastating loss. Each of us is trying to find the strength to mend our hearts and go on. How that is accomplished, I don't yet know, I still have that path to walk and I don't even have her ashes back yet.

I know this is a long post, but I have one final thing to say. For many years now, I thought myself unable to deeply love. Valentina's final gift to me was to prove me wrong.