Why Such Awful Pain Now? Options

[Furry's mum]

It has been 7 weeks today since my darling cat Furry had to be pts. I felt that I was beginning to cope a bit better. Have been back to work for a week & have been able to function, just.
Today was the first time that I didn't "observe" the time of her death, by looking at photo's or sitting by her grave & talking to her.
Later my OH, without my knowledge, decided to light candles around her grave, & then took me into the garden to see.
This made me feel like I did the day she died- terrrible grief & unstoppable tears, I still can't stop crying. I feel like I killed her - too much medication? or not enough? I can only think of those last painful minutes of her life.
Why have I got to this stage again, when I was beginning to think about the happy times we shared? She was only 12.
Please help me to understand why I feel this way now.
Judith

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Furry's Mum,

I'm so sorry about your Furry, and the pain you're still in. But Parker's Mom has it all right, to my mind - she really knows her grief stuff and I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm only at Day 19 myself, with our Nissa's loss, but when we lost Sabin, I despaired of arriving at any "new normal" for years, not weeks or months. There is no 'getting over' a major loss, just learning to cope with it, and it's learning about coping skills, plus education in what's involved in grief, that eventually helps. Me, I haven't even gotten out of the shocky stage yet, though had a glimpse for a few hours yesterday of the excrutiating pain I'll still go through.

I, too, did a shadow-box for Sabin, about a year or longer after he'd passed. It's like a picture-frame, but deeper, in which you can put treasured items, pics, etc., which are often pinned or glued to the clothed or felted backing. Some, like ours, can be continually opened from the front; others are closed from the back and aren't meant to be easily reopened. We had ours custom-made because they weren't yet commonly available, and also had a matching one made for the eventual passing of our girl........so now it's ready and waiting in a closet, but I'm not, to fill it with Nissa-memories.

A friend of mine also gave me a ceramic angel-cat with wings, to set outside on our boy's gravesite, which I painted black but left the wings white. I hope to also find one for our girl at some point and will have to paint it grey. I will also be eventually transferring our catnip plant outdoors, beside the 2 eventual graves ( Nissa's not yet buried there ). I also did a memorial planting for Sabin, with 'black' perennials( which, to my dismay, have NEVER bloomed! ), some tall ornamental grasses ( cuz we used to play hide-and-seek in the tall grass across from our house ), and some white perennials, too, for the white tip on the end of his tail. For Nissa, I'll have to plant silvery plants. I also sent a tribute and picture for Sabin to our local pet loss support group's newsletter and sent a larger tribute to a few select people....the newspapers wouldn't print it for anything less than a couple hundred dollars, so we made individual, coloured copies instead. My husband also got me a large, silver locket, in which I placed some of Sabin's fur ( plus a wee bit of his white tail-tip fur ), and I've now filled the other side with Nissa's fur as well. I also plan on having a Life Celebration for Nissa to invite only a few people who understand to, but this probably won't be all set until next Spring, as I can't even THINK about such things yet.

All these kinds of things help us commemorate and honour all our babies' loving worth, plus help us express our many emotions about their lives and our losses, so can play an important role in grief-work. You don't have to do anything though until you feel ready, on your own timetable. And whatever you do or don't do is completely individual, too. No matter how long or short the sharing of our lives together were....the love is what truly mattered. Prayers and blessings be with you at only 7 weeks....

Furkidlets' Mom