Why Such Awful Pain Now? Options

[Furry's mum]

It has been 7 weeks today since my darling cat Furry had to be pts. I felt that I was beginning to cope a bit better. Have been back to work for a week & have been able to function, just.
Today was the first time that I didn't "observe" the time of her death, by looking at photo's or sitting by her grave & talking to her.
Later my OH, without my knowledge, decided to light candles around her grave, & then took me into the garden to see.
This made me feel like I did the day she died- terrrible grief & unstoppable tears, I still can't stop crying. I feel like I killed her - too much medication? or not enough? I can only think of those last painful minutes of her life.
Why have I got to this stage again, when I was beginning to think about the happy times we shared? She was only 12.
Please help me to understand why I feel this way now.
Judith

[Krissyo]

Judith, I know how you feel. It was only three weeks ago yesterday since I had to have Dugan put to sleep after 17 wonderful years. I have cried everyday and somedays don't feel like I am making any headway. Yesterday, after reading alot of postings about new fur babies, my husband and I went to the shelter to look around and I thought I was doing pretty good as I only cried once. It felt good to see all the cats and put my fingers thru the bars and scratch them. There wasn't anyone there to let us hold any of them and that probably was for the best for now anyway. When I got home I was pretty proud of myself for being able to go to the shelter. I kind of felt that maybe I had turned a corner or something.

Today is Sunday and it has brought fresh grief all over again and I feel really sad all over again. I keep thinking that someday I will want to make new memories but with the way I feel today, that seems really far away.

Does anyone feel a memorial helps. I have tried twice but can't bring myself to do it yet.

Dugan's Mom