One Week Today, grief is overwhelming Options

[haleykate]

I am thankful I found this site because otherwise I would just be sitting here immobilized as I have been. I can't share my grief with my family. I know how much they all loved Haley. She was the most special Golden of them all but they all seem to be getting on with it and I am a basket case. She just went so suddenly. I feel so guilty that I did't know she was sick. She threw up Thursday night and by 10:30 the next morning the vet said she had a tumor on her heart. We spent the last 3 hours sitting with her hugging her and crying. I feel so selfish because all I do is sit here and think of how Haley made me feel. Not how she felt. When she was here it was always about her. She needs water, food, treats, hugs,it's too hot, put the fan on her, bring her in here so she's not alone, everytime we'd walked by her and she'd be sitting and looking cute somebody in the family would say "come here quick".We'd all come running. We all knew it was just to look at how cute she was. We did this for 10 years. Just 10 years. When she was here outsiders would tell me I was ridiculous with THAT DOG. I know this sounds crazy but I never thought of her as a dog. Now I just sit and and think of what she did for me. I miss her bows, she used to bow for me. I miss her hugs. I miss singing her song. I have no one to sing to. Her song was.
There once was a little girl named Haley.
HaleyKate Connors
Everywhere we went everbody said
I'm gonna steal that little girl
Mom and Daddy said No way
You can't steal our little girl
Cause she's the best little girl in the world
and we love her very very much.
I sang this to her everyday of her life. Now all I do is sit here feeling sorry for myself. I haven't gone back to work yet. I don't want to tell the people I work with and I am just going to have to go back by Tuesday. I had another job just on Fridays but I called and quit. I was there when I got the call from the vet asking permission to do a chest Xray. I feel so guilty I let my 18 year old son take her to the vet by himself. I had no idea she was that sick. I thought she just had an upset stomach. The first few days all I did was think of her. Now all I do is think of me. What I miss. how I feel. I just can't think of her in the ground. All alone. I always said I wanted to die before her. I can't say anymore right now. Thanks for being there and letting me go on and on.

[haleykate]

Hi, I made it through 3 weeks and 2 days without my Haleykate. This is not getting any easier. I am however getting better at putting on a brave face for everyone. Only if somebody comes up to me and expresses sympathy do I burst out in tears. But in private I cry all the time. When I wake up, while I drive to work, in the bathroom, just about anytime. I am getting so good at hiding it from everyone. Even my husband. One would think after almost 30 years of being married one would be able to express themselves but every time I say how much I miss my baby he says yea, I miss her too. But there is no discussion about her. He justs goes on doing the things he's always done. I am so angry with everyone right now, but I cannot show it. My youngest son who brought her to the vet and chose to stay with her until the very end ( i just couldn't do it) I think is feeling pain like me but he won't talk about it. I went into his room the other day and saw that he had enlarged several pictures of her and framed some of them. His best friend breeds boxers and they have one puppy left and the mom called him the other day and said we could have"Chubs" I looked at him with disbelief and just said NO. I think he misses Haley very much. I don't know how to help him feel better because I am such a basket case. I really cannot accomplish anything. My house is a mess. I would like it to be clean and everyday I put a plan together in my head to do something but before I know it, the day is gone and I have done nothing. I have four really wonderful kids ages 25,23,21,and they are all at stages in there lives that they are just starting on some wonderful adventures. I used to be a really good mom and help them and listen to them. Now when they ask me for something or advice or anything I say things like "Whatever" or "It's up to you" or "I don't care". I am so consumed with my own grief. I feel as though I have no heart anymore. That is such a bad feeling. I feel cold and hateful and mean inside. I try not to show it but the things I think inside my head, things I don't say out loud are really viscious. I am not or never was a cruel person. I guess I need Haley with me to ground me. Now I just don't care. Now I know what people meant when they would say someone has a bad attitude. Cause, I have a bad attitude and I don't see it getting any better. I feel as though it is just festering and someday I will just explode. I wish I could be as compassionate as you have been to me and I was hoping by now I could reach out to someone in pain but honestly I can't think of anyone or anything but Haley. I see her face all the time in my head. She is in our backyard and we put up a headstone that says "A friend leaves a footprint on your heart" and it has a pawprint on it. I want to plant some grass seed there and some shrubs and flowers to make it look nice for her, but I haven't been able to go down there. I just stare at it through the window. I haven't even gone on the deck or in the backyard for 3 weeks now. All the flowers and pots on the deck have just about died cause I don't want to be out ther without her. I want to sell this house and move. Too many memories. But then I think I can never move cause I couldn't just leave her here with strangers. I am going crazy. I am sure of it. Is this how one loses their mind. Slowly day by day. Or will I just wake up one day and find myself in a padded cell? These are the kinds of images going through my mind.