Jewel Was My Companion, empty hearted Options

[cubby]

It has been three days since I made the decision to "put Jewel down". It was an agonizing decision. Jewel was my beloved ##er spaniel. She meant the world to me and was only 4 years old. I got her at eight weeks old and created a very close bond with her. We slept and played together every day.

She was unfortunately dealing with behavior problems where she could not be trusted around strangers or other dogs. Yet even despite these problems, I still loved her very much. I am writing this forum because it is hard to ask for grief support when the decision to end her life was not due to health per say but aggression. I am finding is extremely hard to let my feelings out because I don't want anyone to think that I condoned bad behavior or even trained Jewel to be that way. I gave her all the love anyone could, never hit her, was never mean to her. But for some reason as my vet and behavior specialist indicated, her 'wires were crossed' making her reason with challenging and difficult situations by becoming a fear aggressive dog.

All she wanted was to be with me or my family and was always at our feet or sitting right next to us. No matter where I went she was always there and always showed unconditional love. She could sense when I was sad, angry or happy. Yet, I had to make a hard but necessary decision to end her life for fear that her aggression could seriously injure someone.

I have cried for three days now, struggling with the thought that I know I did everything right. I know that I did not do anything wrong to bring about her bad behavior, knowing that it was an unfortunate cir%%stance. But, then I think of all the good times. When making dinner, she would sit on the kitchen floor next to me and just looked at me with those big brown eyes as if to say "I love you". She would come up to me unexpectedly and lick my leg, like a kiss, or sit next to the bathroom door waiting patiently for me to finish my shower. I know she loved me, yet I am dealing with a huge empty heart in dealing with my decision. In a rational mind, I know I did what needed to be done and was even confirmed by specialists and my vet. This was my decision, yet even though I did everything I was supposed to do, I am struggling now with her not here.

I have had dogs all of my life and Jewel was the fourth. We got her 2 years after our previous dog Brandy died, she was 16 years old. In all the postings I have read, it is true that unless you are an animal lover, you cannot empathize with the pain of a lost pet. I did everything with her. And, even though her 'wires were crossed', it's not my fault or Jewels. I did everything I could to make things right. I am struggling with having done the rational thing with her, but am empty hearted for allowing myself to let her go.

I know time will heal my loss, but I will never ever forget her. She was the "Jewel of my Heart".

[cubby]

Thank you to everyone who has replied to my loss. Yes, I cry every day and it was very tough to end her life when physically there was nothing wrong. It makes me feel better to have the understanding and support from others.

She meant the world to me and I miss her terribly. When I wake in the morning she is not there to lick my face and I start my day confused and lost. I feel so horrible right now because I miss her so, even though I know it was the best thing.

I dreamt about her last night and how we would play together. It was a good dream. I truly appreciate all the responses to my posting. Jewel will always have a spot in my heart, we were so close and bonded so tight. I would call her my little girl. When I talked to her, she would close her eyes and you could see how content she was. I hope my pain goes away a little every day.

I cannot see myself without a companion like her. Right now it would be unthinkable to replace her. But I would like another dog after the pain is gone. There is no other companion like that of a pet. They provide such unconditional love and support to their owners.

Yes, it was extremely difficult to make the "right" decision because my love for her clouded my judgement for a long time. And, had I not made this decision, the consequences may have been difficult to fix or correct. I guess my grief comes from knowing that I never thought that I would have to do something like this. I gave her all the love and attention she could have asked for. She was a beautiful American ##er spaniel. She was white and buff and had the markings of a raccoon. Her eyes were shaded with a light buff color and her little nose had many spots. I would upload a picture but they are on my camera right now. I will do that on my next posting. She was an extremely pretty puppy.

I will always miss her. Thank you to everyone to has leant there support to me. It means so much to know that people understand what I was faced with. I did not make this decision lightly. It took many painful days separating myself from love and reality in order to do this. Even though it hurts tremendously right now, I am looking forward to the days when I can wake up with pleasant thoughts of her. My biggest hurdle to overcome will be knowing that she understood what I did. I can only hope that our God will make this happen.

I love you Jewel .

Mom