Jewel Was My Companion, empty hearted Options

[cubby]

It has been three days since I made the decision to "put Jewel down". It was an agonizing decision. Jewel was my beloved ##er spaniel. She meant the world to me and was only 4 years old. I got her at eight weeks old and created a very close bond with her. We slept and played together every day.

She was unfortunately dealing with behavior problems where she could not be trusted around strangers or other dogs. Yet even despite these problems, I still loved her very much. I am writing this forum because it is hard to ask for grief support when the decision to end her life was not due to health per say but aggression. I am finding is extremely hard to let my feelings out because I don't want anyone to think that I condoned bad behavior or even trained Jewel to be that way. I gave her all the love anyone could, never hit her, was never mean to her. But for some reason as my vet and behavior specialist indicated, her 'wires were crossed' making her reason with challenging and difficult situations by becoming a fear aggressive dog.

All she wanted was to be with me or my family and was always at our feet or sitting right next to us. No matter where I went she was always there and always showed unconditional love. She could sense when I was sad, angry or happy. Yet, I had to make a hard but necessary decision to end her life for fear that her aggression could seriously injure someone.

I have cried for three days now, struggling with the thought that I know I did everything right. I know that I did not do anything wrong to bring about her bad behavior, knowing that it was an unfortunate cir%%stance. But, then I think of all the good times. When making dinner, she would sit on the kitchen floor next to me and just looked at me with those big brown eyes as if to say "I love you". She would come up to me unexpectedly and lick my leg, like a kiss, or sit next to the bathroom door waiting patiently for me to finish my shower. I know she loved me, yet I am dealing with a huge empty heart in dealing with my decision. In a rational mind, I know I did what needed to be done and was even confirmed by specialists and my vet. This was my decision, yet even though I did everything I was supposed to do, I am struggling now with her not here.

I have had dogs all of my life and Jewel was the fourth. We got her 2 years after our previous dog Brandy died, she was 16 years old. In all the postings I have read, it is true that unless you are an animal lover, you cannot empathize with the pain of a lost pet. I did everything with her. And, even though her 'wires were crossed', it's not my fault or Jewels. I did everything I could to make things right. I am struggling with having done the rational thing with her, but am empty hearted for allowing myself to let her go.

I know time will heal my loss, but I will never ever forget her. She was the "Jewel of my Heart".

[Juanita]

Dear Cubby,
First, if I know anything about this forum, I doubt that anyone will judge you for making the decision you made. It must have been horrible for you. As most of us know, the decision to put down a beloved family member is agonizing even when the pet is terminally ill. To have made that decision for a physically healthy animal must have torn your heart out.
Sometimes, however, we have to trust the professionals who advise us to make a hard decision in the present in order to avoid a possible disaster later on. I hope you know that Jewel might not have lived, and been loved, as long as she did had she been owned by anyone but you.
Please know that just about every one of us who loses a beloved animal companion...regardless of the cir%%stances...experiences doubts, regrets and second-guesses. If I have learned anything from the good people in these forums it is this: When we make decisions on behalf of our pets that based on love, those decisions are alway right.
You gave your beautiful little Jewel a beautiful little life. Maybe, in the overall scheme of the Universe, she was here such a very short time because that was all she needed to teach you a lesson or bless you with a precious gift.
I hope you keep posting to this site for as long as you need to. It was two months on July 23rd that I made the decision to have my beloved Spike put to rest. Spike had been my best friend, my child and my soul dog for 14 years....and even that seems like too short a time.
Grief is not a matter of time. Someone here posted a lovely sentiment that went straight to my heart. It had to do with feeling blessed that we shared a bond so strong that it causes the depth of pain that we feel. I am still in pain over losing Spike and expect to be so for a long time, but I am also grateful to have known that very special relationship and a bond that can never be duplicated.
I hope you find peace.
Juanita