One Week Today, grief is overwhelming Options

[haleykate]

I am thankful I found this site because otherwise I would just be sitting here immobilized as I have been. I can't share my grief with my family. I know how much they all loved Haley. She was the most special Golden of them all but they all seem to be getting on with it and I am a basket case. She just went so suddenly. I feel so guilty that I did't know she was sick. She threw up Thursday night and by 10:30 the next morning the vet said she had a tumor on her heart. We spent the last 3 hours sitting with her hugging her and crying. I feel so selfish because all I do is sit here and think of how Haley made me feel. Not how she felt. When she was here it was always about her. She needs water, food, treats, hugs,it's too hot, put the fan on her, bring her in here so she's not alone, everytime we'd walked by her and she'd be sitting and looking cute somebody in the family would say "come here quick".We'd all come running. We all knew it was just to look at how cute she was. We did this for 10 years. Just 10 years. When she was here outsiders would tell me I was ridiculous with THAT DOG. I know this sounds crazy but I never thought of her as a dog. Now I just sit and and think of what she did for me. I miss her bows, she used to bow for me. I miss her hugs. I miss singing her song. I have no one to sing to. Her song was.
There once was a little girl named Haley.
HaleyKate Connors
Everywhere we went everbody said
I'm gonna steal that little girl
Mom and Daddy said No way
You can't steal our little girl
Cause she's the best little girl in the world
and we love her very very much.
I sang this to her everyday of her life. Now all I do is sit here feeling sorry for myself. I haven't gone back to work yet. I don't want to tell the people I work with and I am just going to have to go back by Tuesday. I had another job just on Fridays but I called and quit. I was there when I got the call from the vet asking permission to do a chest Xray. I feel so guilty I let my 18 year old son take her to the vet by himself. I had no idea she was that sick. I thought she just had an upset stomach. The first few days all I did was think of her. Now all I do is think of me. What I miss. how I feel. I just can't think of her in the ground. All alone. I always said I wanted to die before her. I can't say anymore right now. Thanks for being there and letting me go on and on.

[LittleGirl's...]

Dear Haley's Mom,

I'm so sorry for your excruciating pain!

The lyrics to your song are beautiful. I can just imagine everyone coming running to see the next cute thing Haley was doing, or the way she was looking!!!

You have nothing to feel guilty about (even though guilt is a natural part of grief ). You were and are an awesome Mom, and I hate to think of you feeling so all alone.

When I lost my Little Girl, I did what I needed to do, and that was to not see or talk to anyone who wouldn't understand what I was going through ... stay on this site (I left my computer on the site even at night, to feel close to others who truly would understand).... watch movies.... I made a list of the things that almost, or could have , happened that would have shortened Little Girl's life, or taken away from her quality of life. This helped to remind me that things could have been a lot worse, and that I WAS a good Mom.

I went on to adopt 4 new needy furkids in her honor----Dolly, Cubby, Sunny, and Farmer.

So, don't let others tell you that you SHOULD be getting on with any aspect of life if you're not ready, etc. etc. You just do what you feel you can handle, and please come back here for all the support you need !

Haley is in bliss right now. You gave her as much bliss as there was to be found on earth, and now she's experiencing the ultimate. There's no distress of any kind for her, no sense of separation from you. To her it will be like no time has passed, and there you'll be, by her side, when it's your time to pass from your physical form.

Sending you prayers of peace, and loving understanding,
Kathy