My Heart Is Breaking Options

[lovemytanjigirl]

On Friday, I took my beloved best friend of 12 years, Tanji (aka Fluffy), to the vet. She hadn't really been eating for a few days and had been somewhat lethargic. Over the last several weeks, I had noticed that she had become even more loving then usual. She's been following me around and sitting next to me and sitting down in the middle of my mail as I was trying to organize it. By the way, Tanji is a cat.
Anyway, back to the worst experience I've had in quite some time; the vet. After examining her for about 2 minutes, he said he an unfortunately easy, yet disturbing diagnosis. She had a large tumor in her abdomen, more than likely cancerous because of her age. X-rays confirmed this, along with news that it looks as if it's spreading to her lungs. The only way to confirm if it is cancer is to perform exploratory surgery. If they determine it is at that time, then they recommend euthanization, as cancer and recovery from surgery don't really go together. He said she has 1 hour to 2 months to live. She could die anytime.
So I decided to bring her home and let her live out her days in dignity, until I am forced to do otherwise. Why didn't I spend more time with her? Why didn't I get her to the vet sooner? Why was I annoyed when she sat in the middle of my mail? I think she knew she was dying, and tried to extend herself to me to the fullest in the previous weeks. I would give anything to relive these last few weeks with her. I love her so much. She never judged me and just loved me unconditionally. How do I stay strong for her? I have been crying for 4 days.

[lovemytanjigirl]

Hi Everyone,

Well, the mobile vet came by at 5:00pm Phoenix time. It was such an overwhelming relief. Everytime I went to check on her today, she just looked at me with her beautiful expressive eyes, and wouldn't purr. I knew it was time. I have 2 sisters who are also pet lovers, and they came over to support me. When it was time, my boyfriend, the vet and I went to the closet, and the vet gave her a sedative shot to relax her. Then we went out to the living room and all talked for about 10 minutes. Then we went back to her. She was supposed to be calm and relaxed, but as she always is/was, she did not like being handled by the vet, and growled at her as she inserted the fateful IV. It was about 10 seconds later when she took her final breath at home . I then had a moment alone with her and told her again how much I love her. My sisters came in then and we all pet her body and told her how beautiful she was. I cut some of her beautiful fur off her to rememebr her physical self. Then I gathered her furry mice and rubber bands, wrapped her in a towell and gave her a final hug, and placed her in a box. My family and I then went out and had a funeral for her. We burned some sage and stood around the hole and each said something about her, and said goodbye.
The sense of relief is enormous. I don't know if it's defense mechanisms kicking in, but all of a sudden, I feel the peace I so desperately needed. I feel like she is communicating with me tonight. Telling me that I did the right thing and everything happens for a reason. I feel with great conviction that she is still here, and even though I can't feel her physically, she has moved on to a place she can finally communicate with me in a way we've never been able to after all these years. She's in my soul, and will be there forever. She will guide me. I feel this so strongly. By the way, I've always feared death until now. She is letting me know that there are things we don't understand while we're here, but will one day. I miss her body, but I feel her more than I ever did before. I'm sure the grief will come back when I wake up tomorrow morning, and she's not there, but I will get through this. Thank you all so much for your help these last few days. I don't know how I could have possibly gone through this without you all and your support. I'll be back to let you know how things are going.

Thanks again!