Having Regrets, Did I Put Emily Down to Soon ? Options

[Emily's Mom]

Here I sit feeling so much regret and remorse that it's just eating me up. As you know I had to put my sweet baby Emily down on May 6th from Kidney failure.
I think I'm still carrying alot of the guilt because I think I made the decision to quick.

Let me refresh everyone's memory. Emily was drinking alot of water and going to the bathroom alot so I took her to the vet and they did bloodwork which came back ok but she was diagnosed with a bladder infection and also a heart murmur. She was given anti biotics for the infection and enapril for her heart.

Within a week she wasn't eating , getting sick, and she was lathargic so I called the vet back (mind you this was on a Sunday April 2nd) so the vet wanted me to bring her in first thing in the morning so she could be monitored, he also told me to take away her food and give her only water , which I did.

I got off work that afternoon went to the vet to find out how Emily was and was told the vet hadn't seen her yet, ( actually he hadn't came in just, yet he was out doing farm calls) this was 2:30 or 3:00 by this time and she had been in there since 8 am.

The vet came in later and did more blood work this time it came back she was diagnosed with Kidney failure, but the girl in the office told me it was the early stages and Emily would have to stay at least the night.
Needless to say she was on IV's from Monday April 3rd and on Thurs. April 6th the vet called me at work and told me Emily wasn't repsonding to treatment and that if nothing changed within 2 days I might consider other alternatives...ie: putting her down.

Well a miracle happend Emily responded to her treatment on Friday and they wanted to keep her another night to keep an eye on her.
I picked her up on Sat. April 8th and talked to the vet as a matter of factly and asked him " How much time are we talking here"? and he responded 6 months to 2 years but he said if she got down again we could do the hospital again but he didn't think at her age she would come thru again, she was 11.

Came home, the first week was rough. She wouldn't eat, she wanted everything that she wasn't supposed to eat but then I know it's not easy on a human to change food habits overnite so Emily was even harder to convince. However after a week she started eating the Hills k/d and she was doing really good.

This lasted about 2 weeks and she was right back in the hospital again, not eating, dehydrated so we did the fluid therapy again this time for 2 days.

I brought her home and she still wouldn't eat,I went back to the vet to get some recipes for kidney failure and when I came home I found a blood clot on the kitchen floor, called the vet again and I think he was trying not to get me to upset, because he told me not to worry just yet .

So I tried cooking her rice, chicken, and other recipes the vet gave me. She did eat but however she got diarrhea really bad, only this time it had blood in it. She was starting to lose her balance at times, her veins were collapsed, she was dripping blood on the kitchen floor when she walked.

Sat. morning I called the vet again and the girl in the office said he wasn't in yet but she would call him.She callled me back and said that the bleeding was caused by ulcers from her not eating and that her intestines could rupture actually her words were her intestines could explode... which sent me over the edge.

I set up the dreaded appt. for later that day for 10:30.When he went to give her the shot he couldn't even find a vein in her arm so he had to give her a sedative in her neck to relax her then, he gave her the shot.

I'm carrying all this guilt because I didn't get to talk to the vet I had seen the night before when I was there. There was another vet there that day that put her down and I never got to ask any of the questions that I want answers to now, of course I wasn't thinking clearly that day.

I did get to talk to the one vet about 2 weeks ago and I asked him if I put her down too soon and he said no but in all honesty what's he going to say.
Maybe this is all part of the grieving process I don't know I just know that I feel like I'm back to day one and all the hurt , pain and doubts are just like they were that first day without her.

Please help me, is this normal to have all these questions this late or did I make a mistake by not asking all this before I put her down.

Sorry this is so long but I really needed to talk to somebody about this. Things have been really hard this past week, at times I feel like I'm back where I started.

Thanks again,
Emily's Mom

[onahotinrf]

To Emily's Mom,

First, let me say again, that I am so sorry for your loss and the pain, confusion and guilt you are experiencing. Your story sounds like you really had very little time and most probably made the right timing decision. I'm not a vet, but I do believe that there were a myriad of problems related and unrelated to to the kidney disease.

My sad guy is a cat (don't know if yours was a cat or a dog) and I wa told the he had Renal Insufficiency and that I should come in to learn SQ techniques. At first, Renal Insufficiency didn't sound so bad, but I got on-line and discovered that this vague term was really Kidney failure and that my cat would continue to decline no matter what I did. I was able to administer SQ myself but was never able to find out how far along his kidney failure was. I know that medicine is an inexact science but it seemed to me that there must be some way to determine this, but vets seem to be afraid to give an educated guess based on lab tests even when they have comparison lab tests, they are reticent about life expectancy estimates.

What I can say is that my cat seemed to be doing OK on SQ at home (for almost 10 months) but continued to decline somewhat. I was advised by my vet to switch to a different stomach medication (to help reduce the the possibility and symptoms of ulcers) which seem to go along with this disease, and the addition of a red blood cell enhancement drug which was another problem found with the disease. Problem was that the switch in medications may have sped up the Kidney failure, or may not have, but the upshot is that my cat died at home only 1 week after switching the drugs. I've been second-guessing my decision to alter the drug treatment, but I was counting on the vet to give me the best advice he could given his medical training, reading of the labs, physical exams etc.

I've read the vets notes, and it was apparent, that the kidney disease had really advanced even though it didn't seem so to me, so it was probable that there was nothing to do and that the outcome would have been the same. Problem is that the vet never came out to say anything to me when I brought my deceased cat in and I've been second guessing my decision to switch the drug regimen, so I know how you feel about not knowing if you made the right decision at the right time.

I think that your sweet one had some really horrible ulcer conditions and was losing red blood cells quickly. I'm sure that his time was near, so you should try to get past your guilt. I still DO think that these vets ought to have sensitivity training along with their medical training. We pet owners, are relying on their experience medically and their guidance in making medical decisions for our pets.

I'm so sorry that you were not able to have the same consistent vet there for your final decision. It would probably have made your decision seem more correct.

I hope we both can come to accept the inevitability of the final outcome and that since we loved them so much, made the very best decision we could.

I hope this helps to let you know that you are NOT ALONE.