Having Regrets, Did I Put Emily Down to Soon ? Options

[Emily's Mom]

Here I sit feeling so much regret and remorse that it's just eating me up. As you know I had to put my sweet baby Emily down on May 6th from Kidney failure.
I think I'm still carrying alot of the guilt because I think I made the decision to quick.

Let me refresh everyone's memory. Emily was drinking alot of water and going to the bathroom alot so I took her to the vet and they did bloodwork which came back ok but she was diagnosed with a bladder infection and also a heart murmur. She was given anti biotics for the infection and enapril for her heart.

Within a week she wasn't eating , getting sick, and she was lathargic so I called the vet back (mind you this was on a Sunday April 2nd) so the vet wanted me to bring her in first thing in the morning so she could be monitored, he also told me to take away her food and give her only water , which I did.

I got off work that afternoon went to the vet to find out how Emily was and was told the vet hadn't seen her yet, ( actually he hadn't came in just, yet he was out doing farm calls) this was 2:30 or 3:00 by this time and she had been in there since 8 am.

The vet came in later and did more blood work this time it came back she was diagnosed with Kidney failure, but the girl in the office told me it was the early stages and Emily would have to stay at least the night.
Needless to say she was on IV's from Monday April 3rd and on Thurs. April 6th the vet called me at work and told me Emily wasn't repsonding to treatment and that if nothing changed within 2 days I might consider other alternatives...ie: putting her down.

Well a miracle happend Emily responded to her treatment on Friday and they wanted to keep her another night to keep an eye on her.
I picked her up on Sat. April 8th and talked to the vet as a matter of factly and asked him " How much time are we talking here"? and he responded 6 months to 2 years but he said if she got down again we could do the hospital again but he didn't think at her age she would come thru again, she was 11.

Came home, the first week was rough. She wouldn't eat, she wanted everything that she wasn't supposed to eat but then I know it's not easy on a human to change food habits overnite so Emily was even harder to convince. However after a week she started eating the Hills k/d and she was doing really good.

This lasted about 2 weeks and she was right back in the hospital again, not eating, dehydrated so we did the fluid therapy again this time for 2 days.

I brought her home and she still wouldn't eat,I went back to the vet to get some recipes for kidney failure and when I came home I found a blood clot on the kitchen floor, called the vet again and I think he was trying not to get me to upset, because he told me not to worry just yet .

So I tried cooking her rice, chicken, and other recipes the vet gave me. She did eat but however she got diarrhea really bad, only this time it had blood in it. She was starting to lose her balance at times, her veins were collapsed, she was dripping blood on the kitchen floor when she walked.

Sat. morning I called the vet again and the girl in the office said he wasn't in yet but she would call him.She callled me back and said that the bleeding was caused by ulcers from her not eating and that her intestines could rupture actually her words were her intestines could explode... which sent me over the edge.

I set up the dreaded appt. for later that day for 10:30.When he went to give her the shot he couldn't even find a vein in her arm so he had to give her a sedative in her neck to relax her then, he gave her the shot.

I'm carrying all this guilt because I didn't get to talk to the vet I had seen the night before when I was there. There was another vet there that day that put her down and I never got to ask any of the questions that I want answers to now, of course I wasn't thinking clearly that day.

I did get to talk to the one vet about 2 weeks ago and I asked him if I put her down too soon and he said no but in all honesty what's he going to say.
Maybe this is all part of the grieving process I don't know I just know that I feel like I'm back to day one and all the hurt , pain and doubts are just like they were that first day without her.

Please help me, is this normal to have all these questions this late or did I make a mistake by not asking all this before I put her down.

Sorry this is so long but I really needed to talk to somebody about this. Things have been really hard this past week, at times I feel like I'm back where I started.

Thanks again,
Emily's Mom

[Kim R.]

You are totally normal. I also know from my own journey that you are going to beat yourself up no matter what others say, but as a vet tech, please believe me that you didn't put her down too soon. Some dogs in Emily's situation can live longer than others, but once they go down like that, there is no 'bouncing back'...especially at her age. She had a devastating illness, and there is nothing that you could have done to prevent it or cure it. If her intestines would have ruptured, I can't tell you what a horrific death that would have, and the horrific guilt that would have come with waiting too long. I know that my parents let one of their furbabies suffer for far too long ( he had cancer) and they still haven't gotten over the fact that they did that to him. When I was looking for guidance when it came time for me to make a decision for Sasha, my mom said 'You know her time is coming very soon regardless of what you do, and you know that there isn't anything you can do to fix her. By holding on to her, you are only making her last days much worse than they need to be, so love her enough to let her go.' Someone else here (sorry, I can't remember who) said some very powerful words that have stuck with me....we have no control over our babies getting cancer (or any other terminal illness) or growing old and all the suffering that comes along with that,but we can control the amount of suffering they have to endure along the way. Either way, they are going ot leave us, so if we can keep them from any unnecessary suffering that is the least we can do for them for all they have given to us. You did the right thing....
Love,
Kim