Bye Bye Danny Boy Options

[Coconut]

I lost my Danny on the 13th, he was only 10 years old and full of beans. Nine days ago he came in the house looking a bit sick and we noticed he had an hemorrhage on his tummy so we rushed him to the vet. He said he had an enlarged heart an had to be treated, probably forever, and also got a sample of his blood to get it tested. A couple of days later they told us he had ehrlichia and anemia and they would try with two injections, antibiotics and vitamins to see if he would recover. I really thought he was going to get over it, at times he looked okay, ate his food and wondered around the garden, other times he would just lie in his basket shivering, the hemorrhage getting worse. The day before he died he looked perfectly ok, maybe a bit tired, he even came out to the door to say hello when I got back from the supermarket, wagging his tail as always. That night we decided to take him back to the vet because his stomach was so full of gas it was all swalloen. They did a couple of enemas and he seemed to feel a bit relieved, so we took him back home. But when we let him out to the garden before going to bed he was sick, I took my pillows to the living room and laid on the sofa with his basket next to me to help him just in case anything happened during the night. At four o'clock he got up, moaned, was sick and stopped breathing for a couple of seconds. I cleaned him and put him in his basket again, laid next to him with my hand resting on his tummy so I could feel him breathe and then fell asleep without wanting to. Half an hour or so later I suddenly woke up, he was choking so I grabbed him and tried to do something, anything, but he stopped breathing, definately. I called my mom and she tried to reanimate him, but there was nothing that could be done.

It still feels like a dream, when my other dog starts barking I expect to hear his high-pitched bark follow hers. He used to go to sleep under a small table in a corner of the living room, when I pass next to it I still check to see if his tinny feet are moving under the tablecloth.

My father seems to have got over it pretty quickly thought he's the one Danny spent more time with, following him around the garden, sticking his noise in whatever my dad was doing. My other dog doesn't seem to have noticed he's not here anymore, and at times I hate her because of that, because Danny was madly in love with her and loved to spend hours licking her tummy, and looked for her when lunch was ready to tell her. And what really breaks my heart is the thought of forgetting about him, it scares me to not remember what his bark sounded like, I know it was annoying, but I can't hear it in my head. I've had other dogs, one of them died and the other one had to be given away because she didn't get on with my baby girl, so we found her a nice home, and I can't remember anything about them although it wasn't so long ago, so I'm frightened that the same thing's going to happen, I keep trying to remember what he smelled like and things like that but seems so distant in time, like a hundred years had gone by... I cried so much when I realised we didn't have that many photos of him, at least they would help not to forget him.

My mother keeps telling me that I'll get better with time, but I don't want to, getting better somehow feels wrong, even sitting here looking through web sites seems wrong, anything but feeling sad feels wrong.

I'm really sorry if I made some spelling mistakes because I'm spanish and my english isn't as good as it should. Thank you for taking the time to read through all of what I've written.

[SHO713]

4 weeks tonight, that's all I can think of...it was 4 weeks ago tonight, 5:45pm that Abbie crossed over the Bridge...I truly cannot stand it. Here it is after midnight and I have to get up for work at 6am and I'm on this site, still grieving terribly for her. Is every "anniversary" going to be this bad? I can't stand it...I miss her so darn much and keep thinking it is going to get better, but it doesn't.

I'm not sure if the stress is from the fact I have to go out of town on business and board my dog, Dakota, for 2 nights so I'm so worried about leaving him. He's really only been boarded 3 times in his whole life (he's 14), so I am scared to death something is going to happen to him when I'm gone. I almost considered telling my boss I just can't go, but it would NOT be a good thing for my job. I even changed from a kennel to a Vet close to home so that if something "should" happen, at least he's at a Vet rather than just a kennel. He's had SO many health issues himself, it is pretty much a miracle he's still alive! My Mom used to say she had 4 kids (humans) and didn't go through what I've gone through with my animals. My dog has really always been kind of a "pain" in the you know what...some have told me if I hadn't gotten him, he'd have been dead as no one else would have put up with him. He can kind of be a "psycho" dog and very aggressive to people he doesn't know, but is normally very sweet and protective around me. So, regardless, of the 3 furbabies I had, he's the only one left and I feel so protective of him. I keep telling myself, "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be," as far as if something should happen to him. But, I'm just not ready.

Plus, the loss of my sweet Abbie is still just too, fresh and painful. I can't belive that this being the 4th week anniversary, that I still miss her so much. I wore a pair of capris today that I had not worn since last summer...had been in the batch of clothes I'd put away last fall, to be ironed when it was time to wear them again...a black cotton fabric, the kind white kitty fur just LOVES, and they were covered with her fur from last fall! Part of me was embarrased at work that they were covered with cat hair, but part of me felt like I was wearing them as a "badge of honor" and was somehow paying tribute to Abbie. I would just sit there, astounded, that it was HER hair from last fall, still around to remind me of her presence. Again, "she is everywhere." So, it all comes back...I want to hold her, to hug her, to rub her tummy and feel her little paws. I take two steps forward and two steps back.

So, I guess the lesson is, we miss them forever...we just somehow have to learn to exist without them. Sometimes, I think I just don't WANT to exist without her. Someone, in one of these posts, stated they are no longer afraid of death as they know their furbaby is waiting on the other side...I now understand that feeling.

I hope with all my heart, that in the next few weeks, I can really bring myself to find another kitty that needs a good home. She will be spoiled rotten!

I'm hoping someone that has been in this deep a sense of loss can really tell me/us there is a "light at the end of the tunnel," because right now I'm not feeling it.