Bye Bye Danny Boy Options

[Coconut]

I lost my Danny on the 13th, he was only 10 years old and full of beans. Nine days ago he came in the house looking a bit sick and we noticed he had an hemorrhage on his tummy so we rushed him to the vet. He said he had an enlarged heart an had to be treated, probably forever, and also got a sample of his blood to get it tested. A couple of days later they told us he had ehrlichia and anemia and they would try with two injections, antibiotics and vitamins to see if he would recover. I really thought he was going to get over it, at times he looked okay, ate his food and wondered around the garden, other times he would just lie in his basket shivering, the hemorrhage getting worse. The day before he died he looked perfectly ok, maybe a bit tired, he even came out to the door to say hello when I got back from the supermarket, wagging his tail as always. That night we decided to take him back to the vet because his stomach was so full of gas it was all swalloen. They did a couple of enemas and he seemed to feel a bit relieved, so we took him back home. But when we let him out to the garden before going to bed he was sick, I took my pillows to the living room and laid on the sofa with his basket next to me to help him just in case anything happened during the night. At four o'clock he got up, moaned, was sick and stopped breathing for a couple of seconds. I cleaned him and put him in his basket again, laid next to him with my hand resting on his tummy so I could feel him breathe and then fell asleep without wanting to. Half an hour or so later I suddenly woke up, he was choking so I grabbed him and tried to do something, anything, but he stopped breathing, definately. I called my mom and she tried to reanimate him, but there was nothing that could be done.

It still feels like a dream, when my other dog starts barking I expect to hear his high-pitched bark follow hers. He used to go to sleep under a small table in a corner of the living room, when I pass next to it I still check to see if his tinny feet are moving under the tablecloth.

My father seems to have got over it pretty quickly thought he's the one Danny spent more time with, following him around the garden, sticking his noise in whatever my dad was doing. My other dog doesn't seem to have noticed he's not here anymore, and at times I hate her because of that, because Danny was madly in love with her and loved to spend hours licking her tummy, and looked for her when lunch was ready to tell her. And what really breaks my heart is the thought of forgetting about him, it scares me to not remember what his bark sounded like, I know it was annoying, but I can't hear it in my head. I've had other dogs, one of them died and the other one had to be given away because she didn't get on with my baby girl, so we found her a nice home, and I can't remember anything about them although it wasn't so long ago, so I'm frightened that the same thing's going to happen, I keep trying to remember what he smelled like and things like that but seems so distant in time, like a hundred years had gone by... I cried so much when I realised we didn't have that many photos of him, at least they would help not to forget him.

My mother keeps telling me that I'll get better with time, but I don't want to, getting better somehow feels wrong, even sitting here looking through web sites seems wrong, anything but feeling sad feels wrong.

I'm really sorry if I made some spelling mistakes because I'm spanish and my english isn't as good as it should. Thank you for taking the time to read through all of what I've written.

[Kim R.]

Barbara,

You're family somtimes in a way that my family could never be - and no disrespect to my family cause I adore them all more than I could ever say, but folks here understand and feel when pain overwhelms me.

I just wanted to say that I feel the same way. My family are all HUGE animal lovers, and even they are a little concerned that my grief is this deep and has lingered for so long. It has gotten to the point where I have to try to hide some of my feelings from them so they don't have to worry about me being 'crazy' or something....my husband honestly thinks I need to speak to a professional. He is VERY supportive of my grief, but he is truly concerned about me at this point and wants me to 'get better'. It just isn't that easy. They all mean well, and I know they just want me to be like I used to be pre-Sasha's death, but I will never be that person again. I know it sounds cliche', but when Sasha died, a part of me truly died with her, and I will never be the same person again. They think that being here at LS makes it worse. Just today my mom and I were talking about LS and she said it keeps me from letting myself move on. "It keeps you reliving her death instead of celebrating her life" she said. In a way that is true, it can be awfully depressing to come here a lot of the time, but she doesn't understand what LS is all about. I have formed some really great friendships with some really great people and sometimes we can share our funny stories and our happy memories about our babies, and make each other remember the good times....and at the same time, when we are feeling sad about our babies being gone (even if it has been almost 2 years for some of us ) we always know that the people here at LS will understand completely and always be there to lend a cyber shoulder....it is very comforting to me and I truly adore the people here. My Sasha was gone for 10 months before I found LS. I wasn't much about the computer, but in desperation I went on a search for anything that could help me with my grief. Thank God I found this place....I hate to think of where I would be had I not found it....
Love,
Kim