Bye Bye Danny Boy Options

[Coconut]

I lost my Danny on the 13th, he was only 10 years old and full of beans. Nine days ago he came in the house looking a bit sick and we noticed he had an hemorrhage on his tummy so we rushed him to the vet. He said he had an enlarged heart an had to be treated, probably forever, and also got a sample of his blood to get it tested. A couple of days later they told us he had ehrlichia and anemia and they would try with two injections, antibiotics and vitamins to see if he would recover. I really thought he was going to get over it, at times he looked okay, ate his food and wondered around the garden, other times he would just lie in his basket shivering, the hemorrhage getting worse. The day before he died he looked perfectly ok, maybe a bit tired, he even came out to the door to say hello when I got back from the supermarket, wagging his tail as always. That night we decided to take him back to the vet because his stomach was so full of gas it was all swalloen. They did a couple of enemas and he seemed to feel a bit relieved, so we took him back home. But when we let him out to the garden before going to bed he was sick, I took my pillows to the living room and laid on the sofa with his basket next to me to help him just in case anything happened during the night. At four o'clock he got up, moaned, was sick and stopped breathing for a couple of seconds. I cleaned him and put him in his basket again, laid next to him with my hand resting on his tummy so I could feel him breathe and then fell asleep without wanting to. Half an hour or so later I suddenly woke up, he was choking so I grabbed him and tried to do something, anything, but he stopped breathing, definately. I called my mom and she tried to reanimate him, but there was nothing that could be done.

It still feels like a dream, when my other dog starts barking I expect to hear his high-pitched bark follow hers. He used to go to sleep under a small table in a corner of the living room, when I pass next to it I still check to see if his tinny feet are moving under the tablecloth.

My father seems to have got over it pretty quickly thought he's the one Danny spent more time with, following him around the garden, sticking his noise in whatever my dad was doing. My other dog doesn't seem to have noticed he's not here anymore, and at times I hate her because of that, because Danny was madly in love with her and loved to spend hours licking her tummy, and looked for her when lunch was ready to tell her. And what really breaks my heart is the thought of forgetting about him, it scares me to not remember what his bark sounded like, I know it was annoying, but I can't hear it in my head. I've had other dogs, one of them died and the other one had to be given away because she didn't get on with my baby girl, so we found her a nice home, and I can't remember anything about them although it wasn't so long ago, so I'm frightened that the same thing's going to happen, I keep trying to remember what he smelled like and things like that but seems so distant in time, like a hundred years had gone by... I cried so much when I realised we didn't have that many photos of him, at least they would help not to forget him.

My mother keeps telling me that I'll get better with time, but I don't want to, getting better somehow feels wrong, even sitting here looking through web sites seems wrong, anything but feeling sad feels wrong.

I'm really sorry if I made some spelling mistakes because I'm spanish and my english isn't as good as it should. Thank you for taking the time to read through all of what I've written.

[Juanita]

Your post has touched my heart and also turned on the tear machine. There are so many similarities in our stories. This coming Tuesday it will be one month since we put our dear Spike to rest. I also experienced an emotional regression of sorts at the three-week mark. It came as a shock because I, too, thought I was "getting better". I went through the sob-wracked sleepless nights to the point where I had to go in late to work one morning because I was such a mess. Again, I thank God for the people in these sites

After coming home from the vet after saying good-bye to Spike, I became a whirlwind of trying to "clean away the sadness", gathering together, throwing away, laundering and otherwise eliminating as many "triggers" as I could. I left the blanket we had wrapped Spike in for his final trip but said "no" when asked if I wanted to take it home. All I could think of at the time is that I wanted Spike to keep warm in it. In my haste to protect my heart from further breaks, I laundered the blankie that covered Spike almost every night as he slept. Oh how I regret having nothing with his scent. Another online friend actually keeps her sweet departed dog's sweater in a plastic bag so the scent doesn't disappear.

I hope you will try to write a letter to Abbie as your counselor suggested. And she is absolutely right in her belief that "pain is pain". I have no human children and have wondered many times over the past month how parents can survive the loss of a child. I expect they do it much the way we do...with great pain, a lot of guilt and the feeling that their heart has been shredded.

I am so happy to hear that you are considering another kitty. I'm sure there is plenty of love in your heart to give to another furbaby who desperately needs it. I think that Abbie is probably smiling to think that a homeless kitty may be lucky enough to live the kind of wonderful life that she had with you. The sound of Abbie's claws on the bedroom rug just might have been a sign from her that you need another cat making those noises in reality rather than in imagination. I think she also wanted you to know that she is still "that close" to you.

I will be thinking of you on Monday and saying a prayer for your peace and acceptance as well as the certain knowledge that you will see Abbie again.
Juanita