Bye Bye Danny Boy Options

[Coconut]

I lost my Danny on the 13th, he was only 10 years old and full of beans. Nine days ago he came in the house looking a bit sick and we noticed he had an hemorrhage on his tummy so we rushed him to the vet. He said he had an enlarged heart an had to be treated, probably forever, and also got a sample of his blood to get it tested. A couple of days later they told us he had ehrlichia and anemia and they would try with two injections, antibiotics and vitamins to see if he would recover. I really thought he was going to get over it, at times he looked okay, ate his food and wondered around the garden, other times he would just lie in his basket shivering, the hemorrhage getting worse. The day before he died he looked perfectly ok, maybe a bit tired, he even came out to the door to say hello when I got back from the supermarket, wagging his tail as always. That night we decided to take him back to the vet because his stomach was so full of gas it was all swalloen. They did a couple of enemas and he seemed to feel a bit relieved, so we took him back home. But when we let him out to the garden before going to bed he was sick, I took my pillows to the living room and laid on the sofa with his basket next to me to help him just in case anything happened during the night. At four o'clock he got up, moaned, was sick and stopped breathing for a couple of seconds. I cleaned him and put him in his basket again, laid next to him with my hand resting on his tummy so I could feel him breathe and then fell asleep without wanting to. Half an hour or so later I suddenly woke up, he was choking so I grabbed him and tried to do something, anything, but he stopped breathing, definately. I called my mom and she tried to reanimate him, but there was nothing that could be done.

It still feels like a dream, when my other dog starts barking I expect to hear his high-pitched bark follow hers. He used to go to sleep under a small table in a corner of the living room, when I pass next to it I still check to see if his tinny feet are moving under the tablecloth.

My father seems to have got over it pretty quickly thought he's the one Danny spent more time with, following him around the garden, sticking his noise in whatever my dad was doing. My other dog doesn't seem to have noticed he's not here anymore, and at times I hate her because of that, because Danny was madly in love with her and loved to spend hours licking her tummy, and looked for her when lunch was ready to tell her. And what really breaks my heart is the thought of forgetting about him, it scares me to not remember what his bark sounded like, I know it was annoying, but I can't hear it in my head. I've had other dogs, one of them died and the other one had to be given away because she didn't get on with my baby girl, so we found her a nice home, and I can't remember anything about them although it wasn't so long ago, so I'm frightened that the same thing's going to happen, I keep trying to remember what he smelled like and things like that but seems so distant in time, like a hundred years had gone by... I cried so much when I realised we didn't have that many photos of him, at least they would help not to forget him.

My mother keeps telling me that I'll get better with time, but I don't want to, getting better somehow feels wrong, even sitting here looking through web sites seems wrong, anything but feeling sad feels wrong.

I'm really sorry if I made some spelling mistakes because I'm spanish and my english isn't as good as it should. Thank you for taking the time to read through all of what I've written.

[Juanita]

Besos,
I know how good it feels to know someone understands. This and one other pet loss site have been my lifeline since Spike passed. Yes, Spike led a wonderful life, especially since he started out as a stray at the shelter and not a very likely candidate for adoption....until I came along. You mother is right that Danny had a fabulous life, and it would be nice to celebrate that, but sometimes we just can't do it until some time has passed. Until then, we will keep recalling memories of the last painful hours, days, weeks or months.
And I understand what you said in your first post about being unable to remember certain things about Danny. I am having the same limited recall about Spike. I cried myself to sleep two nights ago trying to remember some of the things he always did or how he looked when he was well, and I just couldn't. I just remember the end, and it hurts.
But we have to get through those images and those feelings before some of the happy times come back to mind. I'd like to share something that sometimes helps when I'm locked into negative feelings. I say this.....Dear God, rather than mourn the absence of Spikey's flame, help me to be happy that it burned so brightly for so long.
This little saying doesn't get rid of all the pain, but it does bring me back to a place of gratitude, reminding me to say Thank You for the 14 wonderful years we had together.
My dear sweet person (are you a boy person or a girl person?), please remember that you only lost your doggie friend two days ago. That is hardly enough time to get over the shock of it all. I know how much this is hurting you, but please understand that your hurt will be as deep as your love was for Danny, and that was a lot.
If it helps to cry, then cry. Crying is very healing. Or try going someplace where you won't disturb anyone and just beat the crap out of a pillow. Each time you let some sadness out, a little healing takes place. Some people write a letter to their pet and just tell them everything they want to say...the happy stuff and the sad stuff. Just get it out some way. That's why I hope you keep coming to this site. If you want the name of the other one I'm in, which seems more active than this one so far, just let me know.
I check here for messages every day, and I check my email all during the day. If you need some support or TLC, I'm here.
Juanita