Blaming The Survivor Options

[MissingMyCocoa]

Hi, I lost my beautiful baby to some senseless driver 2 weeks ago today & am still having a hard time functioning. My fiance let our "babies" out & they took off after something & my Cocoa-Girl was the one I lost, the one I need!! Spike (my fiance's dog) is grieving too, but I can't help him, I blame him! He was there with her, he wasn't hit... why her?? Why her? She wasn't 6 inches in the road... they didn't even stop! What can I do? He needs me too and I know this but I can't get over the selfishness! He tries to do things only she did but I can't, just can't! She was my savior!
My sister died 2 years ago & someone gave her to me as a gift to help. I've only had her about 16 months but I can't remember life without her. Now it feels like all the pain has come crashing back on me. I'm sure this is something you guys have heard so much of & I'm sorry but no one, not even my fiance, understands this unbearable grief that I deal with constantly. How do I tell him I resent his dog because my baby was taken? I lost my reason to live. I honestly feel like life has no meaning anymore. I can't sleep at night, she use to lay on my belly or beside me with her little paw (she was 4 lbs) on my face or my neck. No more kisses when I come home or get up. Life is just useless.
Everyone says I need a new routine and Spike needs some companionship, he's never been without her and now he just hides until I get home and barely eats. But I can't imagine bringing another in and giving it her love. I know it may be better for Spike but I don't know how I'd handle it? I love Spike too and don't want to lose him but I'm scared. Will it help with the blame? How did you guys handle the survivor situation? Do you have any suggestions? For Spike and for me?
I really appreciate your time and it's so comforting to know even when no one around me understands that I can sit here and pound out my frustration and pain on these keys and know someone over there is with me. Thank you so much!!

I miss you, Cocoa-Girl!!! Mommy will forever love you more than I could ever say or express to you in your short but precious life!!

[milton]

Yea, the guilt and the feelings of "I failed as a parent..." are pretty overwhelming. You just have to reassure yourself that you did and would have done anything to help her, but it was beyond your control. After losing my Milton last week, the first few days I tortured myself with thoughts like "did he know we were there? did he know we did everything?.."etc.. and I just had to force myself to stop it and focus on better memories.
I know what you mean about the feeling of "loosing touch with her"--the past couple days I've been functioning on a slightly more normal level, and then I remember what happened and I start to feel guilty for even forgetting about it for 5 minutes (if that makes sense.)
Its been helping my boyfriend and I alot just to remenisce about all the good times and funny stories about our cat. It's bittersweet, but it helps.
It will get better!