Dear God Help Me Please, Taking the life of a young healthy dog Options

[pace]

I am desperately needing your support to help me cope with what has happened. My dog OP , 3 years old , was put to sleep one week ago by my husband , Ben . We both loved him very much. OP was a rescue . He was 2 / 3 months old when we got him .
If we would try to pull him out from under a chair or out of a corner he would bite us. We both felt , he was just a puppy , and would grow out of this. He never did. Taking him to the Vet we always had to give him medicine so WE could put the muzzle on him....trying without he would bite us.
During his short life , i tried to help him. Using two of the best trainers in North Carolina , the answer was the same........OP had what they called a fear gene , something he was just born with. Medicine , a behavorist , and unconditional love did not help. We found a kind and gentle man that worked , now retired from the human association , that live on a large farm that said he would gladly take him. That did not last even one hour before we were called to come and get him. The only two choices were put him to sleep or completely change the way we lived. We opted for the second.
For the next 3 years we told anybody that came into our home , " Just ignore the red dog " We were never really concerned that OP would run up and bite someone else unless.........you tried to pet him or back him in a corner. But , YES , we always worried about children coming over. We just told people to allow OP to come up to them......it was stressful to live like that but OP was worth it.
Op loved life. He was what many would call a Carolina dog , can be found on the internet. They are considered the beginning of how all dogs orginated. Even with us he was fearful. Some days i could walk up to him and give him love , a treat , a pat on the head.......and then ten minutes later i would go to him and he would put his tail between his legs and run and hide. You just never knew how he would react. Cherokee , our German Shepherd , would always try to stay between OP and anyone that came into the house......did not matter if they were long time friends , a stranger or even us. Rambo , our trainer , said he did this because his instinct was not to trust OP.
About 2 months ago OP bit Ben . All Ben did was pat his head to tell him good night as he did every night. Just one bite but enough to cause great pain and swelling to his hand. I knew then something had to be done.......still did not want to take his life.
In North Carolina there are only two certified Animal Dentist. I called the best of the two. A kind gentle Dr. with 28 years in practice. Explained my situation and what i was thinking about doing. Having OP's teeth filed down so that if he bit again there could be no tearing or pucturing of the skin. My main concern would be , if i did this , what would OP's QUALITY of life be ? The Dr. assured me that after the initial heeling his quality of life would be the same. We would start out slowly , then if need be may have to pull some back teeth. For the first time i truly believed i had finally found a solution that could save his life. Shared all this with Ben. He thought , lets just wait , maybe that night i just startled him .
Now i am writing to you for help because OP is now dead. Mother's Day , that night , i too always kiss and tell my dogs how much i love them before i go to sleep , OP bit my hand . Not just one or two bites but many. I was kneeling by his bed rubbing his head , i know in my heart i did not startle him . My hand was bleeding severly , i should have gone to the emergency room. I did go to the Doctors the next day.
Tuesday morning Ben took him to our Vet and had him put to sleep. I begged Ben to please let me take him to the dentist . To take OP's life , he was not sick , old or hurting i just could not do that. I was afraid of how i would feel knowing that i killed OP. Ben , and let me say again , he is a kind , unselfish , loving person that would move mountains for me if he could.........but........he said he could take no more , our life had for the last 3 years been turned upside down for OP. Always on guard when people came over.....he just could not and would not live like that any more and that i was being totally irrational. Since then i can not eat or sleep all i do is cry. If only the dentist OP would be alive. OP gave us all the love that he was capable of.
In the 3 years we could see a slow improvement with his fear. Yet , we also knew that we would always have to be careful with him. Where i feel like i am losing my mind is taking the life of a young healthy dog that so much loved life. Death is so final , maybe i should have driven him out into the country and let him go back into the woods where he came from......stood up to Ben knowing it could have caused problems in our wonderful marriage that i thank God for everyday......I pray to God for Him to give my heart peace........all i feel is that i murdered someone that i truly deeply loved.
I know this has been a long letter but i wanted to give as much information about my problem so that you could better help me move on. Am taking medicine , under my doctors care but that is not helping. Please someone help me.
Pace

[Kim R.]

Pace,
I am so glad that you have been able to find some peace, if only a little, from what I shared with you. reading your experience of releasing his ashes was very emotional to read, and it only confirms how much you really loved him and would have never let him go had it not been the best thing for him.

In my head , all you said i know to be true......now i must convince my heart

Well, get ready for a long road with this one. This is the single most difficult part of the entire grieving process for me (for most). It has been almost 2 years since I lost my girl ( I had to have her put to sleep), and although I know I did the best thing for her, my heart still can't accept that she is gone...the guilt is just so overwhelming. One day at a time....that is how I have learned to survive.
I also received an e-mail from someone regarding my response here. I would just like to respond to it here in case anyone else feels the same way, but just hasn't said it. I am a huge fan of Ceasar Milan. As a matter of fact, I was watching his show just last night as I fell asleep. He has a show called 'The Dog Whisperer' where he rehabilitates dogs with behavioral problems. I know he says that no dog is too much for him to handle, and I have also seen him take some very aggresive dogs and turn them around, however, there is a difference between aggression and mental illness. Dogs that are just aggressive are predictable. You can pretty much bet on how they are going to act given any situation. Some are unpredictable, but only to the point that you don't know exactly how they are going to react, but you know that the situation will more than likely spark them, so you are ready for it such as children, loud noises, etc.. Then there is the dog that is mentally ill. There doesn't have to be a situation. You can just be walking past him on your way to the bathroom and he decides to strike. He may be happy with you petting him one minute and in the same petting session something just 'clicks' and he turns on you. These are not normal aggression issues, these are mental instabilities. I have seen the actual MRI photos from an aggressive dog that behaved exactly as Pace described OP's behavior. The owners were willing to try anything to save him, but it was clear in those photos that there were significant differences in his brain make-up. Just like people, dogs can have mental illness that is out of our control...that has been medically proven. Just because not everyone can afford thousands of dollars of medical tests to prove it, that doesn't mean it isn't the same case for their dog. Someone like Pace, (who tried multiple trainers), and who so obviously loves her dog, wouldn't put her dog to sleep unless it was a last resort. We are always so quick to compare our furbabies to humans in every way, until something like this comes up and then the automatic response is "just get a trainer to 'fix' it", or "if that trainer didn't work, try another trainer" . hmmm...a good friend of mine had a wife (she has since taken her own life) who was bi-polar. She saw many doctors and was on many medications, but I bet if she would have tried another doctor, she would be still be alive and all 'fixed' today! Yeah, that is how rediculous it sounds to me when people make the same statement about our furbabies.......

For a certain percentage of animals, and people as well, existence is just too tough. For genetic or psychological reasons life is just impossible to deal with.

Sidney's dad said it well! I hope that one day people can recognize mental illness in animals as a valid illness and be more supportive of people that are faced with this situation. There are so few medications that can be used in animals for mental illness, and those (in most cases) don't effect animals like they do in people, so they are virtually useless <sigh>.

Here is a link to another member that I remember well that had the same situation you did, and was also brave enough to make the final decision for her friend. It left her heartbroken, and she would probably be a good support for you even now if you contacted her...sometimes it helps if we have someone we can relate to...
http://lightning-strike.com/forum/index.ph...wtopic=1695&hl=

Your friend in grief,
Kim