I Feel Like A Murderer! Options

[Robertmofford]

I tend to have a delayed reaction to things. As well as a tendency to bury my head in the sand. This is probably the most delayed reaction to anything I can think of. I've got to let this out before it kills me.
The story may sound convoluted but trust me it's real, and it's tearing me apart. Several years ago I was living with a flake of a room-mate who literally got us thrown out onto the street. About the only thing I was able to keep was my cat. At the time my mother who lived nearby invited me to move back home. That seemed like a perfect solution at the time. Not long after my moving back she(my mother) was diagnosed as having terminal cancer, which was bad enough. Almost from the minute she got the news Garfield(my cat) became her mortal enemy. From the get-go she was vehement that I had to get rid of him and fast! Today I know I would have reacted differently but you know what they say about the road to hell being paved with good intenetions. Since she was so sick, I tried to comply and find the best all-around solution for everyone. For a whole week I was hardly ever off the phone, I tried everything I could to get him a temporary home, with the intention of taking him back. Unfortunately, I couldn't. I finally came up with the idea of putting him in a reasonably-priced kennel. 0n the drive there he knew something was up, and tried to be affectionate with me. When I gave him to the staff he tried to grab me by my shirt because he didn't want to be separated from me. If I live to be 100 I'll never forget his face at that moment. initially I kept up the kennel payments, put given that I was only working part-time and the only source of income for the family, that quickly became impossible, and so they ended up euthanizing him. To this day i feel like a murderer. That cat was all I had! My mother herself ended up dying not long after this, and needless to say we never did discuss the issue. So I suffered a double loss. There was no closure for me for either one of them. To this day a very strong part of me resents my mother all to hell. When I said that Garfield was all I had I mean that literally. Somehow I made it through this in one piece(pretty much), and I forced myself to go on. That was a long time ago. And I've had other animals since, and have loved them deeply. I've also given them very good homes. Yet I can't get Garfield out of my mind. Especially the last few days. I can't stop thinking about him, and have burst into tears at least half a dozen times in the last two days alone.
And then it hit me. It was this week, way back when when I took him to the kennel, and I'm sure I'm going to cry a lot more. He didn't deserve this. No matter how many animals I save and give homes to he still remains the biggest victim(aside from my mother). And no matter how many animals I have or take care of nothing can bring him back. He's gone and no-one can change that. And it was all my fault. I did everything I could for him and at the end of the day I feel responsible for what happened. My guilt and grief are overpowering and I don't know what I'm going to do about it . At least I'm glad there is a site like this, and I'll have to stop right here because I'm about to start bawling again.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Robert Mofford

[Sidney's Buddy]

I guess all that any of us can do is try to be the best person we can. You, obviously, never knew that the kennel was going to euthanize Garfield. I'm sure that you would have done anything possible to avoid that. Garfield will live on by teaching you things in relationship to other animals. All of our animals do that for us. It's one of the many gifts they give us back in return for all of the things we give them.

When my little guy died I had the typical reaction. No more cats. As if this were honoring Sidney. I know he would love me to provide as wonderful a life as possible for another cat. It, in many ways, would be selfish of me to not get one, especially as my other cat is bored without feline companionship. We all honor our lost pets by learning from every experience and loving other creatures. Especially, with all of the abused animals out there in the world, anyone at this website has the same duty as I do.

I am still going through hell dealing with my loss as well. I sleep poorly, cry all of the time, wonder if I will ever feel any enthusiasm towards life, etc. The one thing, ironically enough, that I don't worry about anymore is if I should help another animal. There will be no comparing new cat to Sidney. I have had a lot of wonderful cats but he was in a league all of his own.

I am sorry about the horrible condition that you found yourself in those years ago. But, once this situation has been truly delt with I think that Garfield will have helped you in many ways that you don't even realize. I hope that happens soon and good luck.