Lost My Best Friend Of 14 Years Yesterday..., My heart is broken Options

[Livia8]

I've been reading all your stories and think I've found the right place, with the right people, to share with...I hope your kleenex is handy...

Yesterday, I had to say good-bye to my best friend of 14 years. My beloved cat, my baby, Cage - aka, Cagie, my little purry monster, my handsome boy, my beautiful beast.

My tabby adopted ME, in August of 1992. Other than one urinary tract infection when he was 2, and another 2 years ago, he's been a healthy, happy, spoiled rotten kitty. The love of my life...

About 3 weeks ago, he started getting really picky about his food - first not eating his dry food at all - then being super finicky about what flavor of canned food I gave him, and he wouldn't eat any leftovers, only the first, fresh serving. About 10 days later, he was throwing up a lot, low energy, and losing weight. Then he refused to eat at all. I took him to the vet on Sunday, they got him on fluids and started running tests.

Long story short, 2 days in the hospital, and one heck of an emotional roller coaster ride later - after many tests, x-rays, thinking it was one disease, no it's not, let's test for something else, getting him to eat, telling me was doing better and that he could probably go home as soon as he kept his food down, and then deciding he had hyperthyroidism, he threw up again and they wanted to do an ultrasound.

They called me at work around 5 PM yesterday...the ultrasound showed numerous tumours throughout his intestines. Even if he was strong enough to endure the surgery, there wouldn't have been enough good intestines left over to put back together and function. There was nothing they could do for him...

Let me back up a second - when I went to visit him Monday night, they removed the cone around his neck and told me to make sure he didn't pull out his catheter. As soon as he actually looked at me and heard my voice, he didn't quite meow, it was more like a whimper and he gave me a head butt. Aaaaw! We had a nice talk about how I missed him and didn't want him to be there, but I had to bring him in since they are making him better. I told him that a lot of nice people and their kitties were praying for him. I cleaned up his face and eyes, and he just sat there and let me do it. A friend of mine asked me, "Did it feel like he understood? Like he would be coming home very soon, like he was saying, 'I'm getting better Mom, don't worry.' I told her, "Yeah, we totally have that bond. But I didn't feel that he was telling me he'd be home soon. I felt more like he felt bad because he knew he was bumming me out and couldn't help it." I couldn't stop crying all day yesterday. And then when I got "the" call from the vet, I was a complete mess.

I left work, told them I probably wouldn't be in today, and went to a friend's house who lives close-by. My vet is also a 24-hour emergency vet, and they had a lot of traumas come in at once and kept telling me to call back. It was about 9:15 PM when I went in to say good-bye and told him all the things I needed to say. They cut a lock of his fur for me while I held him - I wanted a piece from his neck, that had all his colors in it. They put it in a little zip-loc baggy. I handed him over to the vet after we spent some time alone together, and left before "it" happened. For me personally, I couldn't bear to watch him go. He's going to be cremated and I'll get his ashes in about 10 days.

I don't remember what I did at home, exactly, besides cry, pace around, kept kissing his fur and talking to myself. I called some close friends and family to let them know. Everyone thinks I should get another cat, when I'm ready. I've lost a lot of close family members, and am no stranger to grief. But this is different. I can't put into words how truly devastating and difficult this is for me. My heart is broken, I have tears streaming down my face right this second...I don't have any human children, he was truly my baby...I lit a candle for him last night, put his fur in a little ceramic container next to the candle. That was at 2:30 AM, I think I went to bed around 4 and got woken up by the phone around 9:30 this morning. I've been in a daze - I threw out his food bowl and litterbox and vacuumed up that area. I just can't bear to see them, knowing he's not here, I only kept his one, favorite toy. I intend to get a nice keepsake something for his ashes and am also contemplating getting some jewelry made from some of his ashes....

I need help....bless you if you read all of that! And my condolences to all of you here who have lost your fur babies.

[Livia8]

Thank you SO much, everyone for your kind words. They really mean a lot, and definitely help.

I have a co-worker who has been my angel - she totally "gets it." She kept getting me out of the office to take short walk breaks and I'd "let it all out."

My heart aches, both figuratively and literally...I feel like there's a weight on my chest. I keep forgetting to breathe, and find myself sighing and needing to take deep breaths a lot...I do need to start getting more rest and eating better. But hey, I got into my "skinny" Tommy Hilfiger jeans today, so that made me happy...

The most simple, mundane tasks at work, that I could normally do with my eyes closed, were difficult and distracting. I was doing the stupidest things, but at least I caught myself...my mind isn't working right.

One of the things I told my baby when I said goodbye was that he could come visit me if he wanted to, that I wouldn't be afraid. This morning, a cool thing happened. One of Cagie's favorite ways to wake me up was to gently paw at the pages of books or whatever, in the magazine stand/table next to my bed. Not tearing them up, just making enough noise to get my attention. Or, he'd get up on the vanity counter and play soccer with my jewelry, makeup, or whatever was up there. This would happen either an hour before my alarm went off, or right after I hit the snooze button to doze off for another 10 minutes. This morning, I heard the papers ruffling. I'm not sure if I dreamt it, or my mind was playing tricks on me, or if it really happened. But it freaked me out, in a good way.

I have TONS of pictures of him - before I got a digital camera - I would always use up the last few frames on a roll of film for Cagie. I'd hunt him down wherever he was to take his picture. And he loved having his picture taken. He was such a ham. I'm not ready to go looking through old pics yet, but I will...

I'm still doing those daily, routine things. Anytime I came home and he heard the garage door open, he'd be right there at the back door, meowing to greet me. I had to open the door slowly so I wouldn't bonk him on the head. I'd always close the door to my "office" room whenever I went in or out. Too many important papers and stuff in here for him to destroy. I'm still doing those things. My house feels so empty now - I really miss having that kitty vibe here...

Okay, I'm bawling again - I'll check in periodically. I think evenings are better, I don't want to keep losing it at work.