Heartbroken, my sweet girl is gone Options

[abbeysmom]

I so need to talk about my sweet Abbey. Abbey had a heart murmur that had worsened over the past 4 years until she was finally at "end stage" disease, with severely enlarged heart and fluid on her lungs. I knew the time was coming, but a couple of weeks ago, she worsened literally overnight. One day she was her usual self, given the cir%%stances, and the next she stopped eating, could walk only a few steps without sitting or lying down to rest. Another few days and I was having to carry her up and down stairs and out to go potty and back in (which I was happy to do). We increased her medications but no help, still not eating, getting weaker by the day. Then this past Tuesday, the vet wanted to keep her overnight, put her on massive dose of medication per IV, and see if she could get some relief. Sadly, this did not help either, and he gave me my options, which were to let her continue to deteriorate or put her to rest. I asked him to let me bring her home for one more day, to say goodbye, and try to make peace with what I had to do. About 4 a.m. the next morning, I woke up to find her lying on the floor, with very shallow and rapid breathing that sounded more like a rattle than a breath. After picking her up and walking the floor with her for about 20 minutes, her looking at me with large pleding eyes, I decided this had to end. I took her into the emergency hospital, and stroked her and kissed her and told her how much I loved her while the doctor ended her suffering.

I had her for 11 years, from the time she was 6 weeks old. She was my constant companion and best friend. I work out of my home, so we were together literally 24/7. Abbey was always under my feet an/or by my side. I am totally lost without her and have never felt so alone in my whole life.

I miss her lying by the desk while I work, miss her sitting by me on the couch while I watch television (have no idea what is on at the present), miss her beside me in the bed. She would followed me to the bathroom and lay by my feet while I ... well, whatever. She lay beside the tub while I took a shower, and I had to step over her to get out of the tub. I keep reaching out to pet her, and she's not there. My heart is broken and feels like it will never be whole again.

I know in my head that I had to end her suffering, but in my heart I feel like I murdered the love of my life. I felt I had to be with her at the end, but I cannot get the image of her dead, precioius mouth open, sweet eyes open, out of my head. Did she realize my intention was to give her rest and peace, or did she think I was "getting rid" of her? I love her so and miss her so. Will the pain and guilt ever go away?

I need help. Please someone help me. I don't know how to cope with this most horrible thing I've ever done.