Counting The Days Until…, Trying to find the strength Options

[ScottE]

Teary eyed update…

Murphy’s biopsy on his spleen did reveal that it was Hemangiosarcoma. Took everyone’s advice and spent quality time with Smurf over the past month. Took him everywhere (even to work), and spoiled him rotten. Being a former Guide Dog raiser, I even used my “Accompanied by Canine” badge to get him into my highly secure Govt. Facility.

Unfortunately, today was the day Murphy suc%%bed to the dreaded HSA beast. An ultrasound revealed dozens of tumors which were bleeding and attacking his vital organs. Because nothing further could have been done by the specialists, I had to make the most difficult decision any pet owner has to make.

Just as quickly as I learned about this deadly cancer, now I need to learn how to cope/deal/adjust to my loss and the entire grieving process. I’m in the blaming phase right now. Though I’m a scientist who thinks logically, I just can’t stop blaming myself for what has happened. For some reason, I can’t stop apologizing to my friend Smurf for what has happened. Yes, pets are like children that never grow out of the dependency stage. For that reason, I feel like I’ve let him down even though logically he was gravely sick.

In any event, I’m rambling, simply trying to stumble through this grieving journey.

-Scott (& Smurf 3/31/06)

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Previous post of March 7th below:

Less than one week ago, I noticed something not right with my 7 yo dog, Murphy. After a midnight visit to the ER, a series of X-rays and ultrasound revealed Smurf had a tumor rupture on/in his spleen. Surely, we'll just surgically remove the tumor/spleen and in a couple weeks hell be back to his happy go lucky self. Boy, how wrong could I be!!! Instead, I’m left trying to get a grip on the emotional roller-coaster that not only has occurred but will occur over the next few days/weeks.

Going into the surgery, my Vet talked to me about the high probability (80%) that the tumor would be Hemangiosarcoma; a malignant tumor of blood vessel cells. Though Smurf made it through the splenectomy surgery okay, I kept him at the Hospital for another 48-hours. Good thing since he became anemic and needed a blood transfusion the day after surgery. His heart also became arrhythmic and he was prescribed med's for that.

In the mean time, I was obsessed (and I mean obsessed) in finding as much information about this “silent killer” as I could on the Internet. The bottom line is that the survival time with surgery alone is 19-65 days and double that with chemotherapy.

Being today was the day the biopsy results were expected back, I continually made calls to my answering machine at home for any messages. Finally, a message from my Vet was on it confirming my worst nightmare; Hemangiosarcoma.

So here I am (as I watch my friend resting peacefully on my bed), trying to fathom his upcoming deterioration and at which point I'll have to make that final decision. He's still eating, drinking and pooping but noticeable weaker. I just can't leave him home alone so I'll take him to work and leave him in my friends garage across the street from work (since I work in a secure facility) and check up on him every couple of hours. You really thinking I'm actually gonna work? No!!! But I have a couple important all day meetings that's needed for the project I'm working on. Collegaues are aware of the situtation but have no idea how supportive they'll be.

Well enough said already. I just needed to put my thoughts down in an attempt to help start the grieving/guilt process.

Time for Smurf to have a Frosty-Paws ice cream; something he loves.

Fighting the tears,
-Scott

[Birdiemom]

Hi Scott,

You are so right about thet waiting game, it sucks, but in sme ways it is a gift, time to spoil your best friend. So people here have gone in to get something checked that didn't seem right and not had any time.

I lost my little Misty at 14 years old. She was senior dog rescue who came with problems and I Only got 2 and half years with her. My vet put her on Heart meds last spring with the warning they normally don't last long after that. She made it to the end of January and colapsed one night during a coughing fit. She recovered okay so I waiting til morning to take her to her regular vet. She said she had days, maybe a few weeks to live. I was in shock... it felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. They put her on a host of medications to help keep her comfortable, and gently explained the signs that things were getting worse. Misty sat there cuddled into me, like normal at the vets. She had bad days and she had good days, days when I was convinced se would live forever, and days I wondered if it was fair to keep going. She seemed to think it was. I gave her her meds wrapped in Turkey bacon, after all at this point the damage had been done, nothing was going to make it worse. I made a point on having icecream and all her favorites... and coddling her a whole lot more than normal. I couldn't fix it, but she new she was loved and spoiled rotten. We got an extra 20 days together, when Her eyes said it was time. It was very hard for me knowing the end was coming, but her antics on good days still make me laugh. This is the time to find the good and hold on to those memories. Enjoy this time Scott, for your dog, enjoy each day.

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