Counting The Days Until…, Trying to find the strength Options

[ScottE]

Teary eyed update…

Murphy’s biopsy on his spleen did reveal that it was Hemangiosarcoma. Took everyone’s advice and spent quality time with Smurf over the past month. Took him everywhere (even to work), and spoiled him rotten. Being a former Guide Dog raiser, I even used my “Accompanied by Canine” badge to get him into my highly secure Govt. Facility.

Unfortunately, today was the day Murphy suc%%bed to the dreaded HSA beast. An ultrasound revealed dozens of tumors which were bleeding and attacking his vital organs. Because nothing further could have been done by the specialists, I had to make the most difficult decision any pet owner has to make.

Just as quickly as I learned about this deadly cancer, now I need to learn how to cope/deal/adjust to my loss and the entire grieving process. I’m in the blaming phase right now. Though I’m a scientist who thinks logically, I just can’t stop blaming myself for what has happened. For some reason, I can’t stop apologizing to my friend Smurf for what has happened. Yes, pets are like children that never grow out of the dependency stage. For that reason, I feel like I’ve let him down even though logically he was gravely sick.

In any event, I’m rambling, simply trying to stumble through this grieving journey.

-Scott (& Smurf 3/31/06)

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Previous post of March 7th below:

Less than one week ago, I noticed something not right with my 7 yo dog, Murphy. After a midnight visit to the ER, a series of X-rays and ultrasound revealed Smurf had a tumor rupture on/in his spleen. Surely, we'll just surgically remove the tumor/spleen and in a couple weeks hell be back to his happy go lucky self. Boy, how wrong could I be!!! Instead, I’m left trying to get a grip on the emotional roller-coaster that not only has occurred but will occur over the next few days/weeks.

Going into the surgery, my Vet talked to me about the high probability (80%) that the tumor would be Hemangiosarcoma; a malignant tumor of blood vessel cells. Though Smurf made it through the splenectomy surgery okay, I kept him at the Hospital for another 48-hours. Good thing since he became anemic and needed a blood transfusion the day after surgery. His heart also became arrhythmic and he was prescribed med's for that.

In the mean time, I was obsessed (and I mean obsessed) in finding as much information about this “silent killer” as I could on the Internet. The bottom line is that the survival time with surgery alone is 19-65 days and double that with chemotherapy.

Being today was the day the biopsy results were expected back, I continually made calls to my answering machine at home for any messages. Finally, a message from my Vet was on it confirming my worst nightmare; Hemangiosarcoma.

So here I am (as I watch my friend resting peacefully on my bed), trying to fathom his upcoming deterioration and at which point I'll have to make that final decision. He's still eating, drinking and pooping but noticeable weaker. I just can't leave him home alone so I'll take him to work and leave him in my friends garage across the street from work (since I work in a secure facility) and check up on him every couple of hours. You really thinking I'm actually gonna work? No!!! But I have a couple important all day meetings that's needed for the project I'm working on. Collegaues are aware of the situtation but have no idea how supportive they'll be.

Well enough said already. I just needed to put my thoughts down in an attempt to help start the grieving/guilt process.

Time for Smurf to have a Frosty-Paws ice cream; something he loves.

Fighting the tears,
-Scott

[samhaincat]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I was in a similar situation with my cat in 2003. He was my buddy and I still miss him terribly. He had an inoperable tumour in June and thought I tried everything I could I had to put him to sleep on August 20th. I knew in my gut it was hopeless but I spoiled him rotten during those two months-even more than usual. He got all his favourite foods-as much as he wanted, I would lay outside with him by the pond and watch the goldfish. I am so glad I spend as much time as I could with him - I am so grateful for it.
The end was very very hard but I have wonderful memories almost right to the end.
You are doing everything you can. I would let the elderly couple that had him know. They might want the choice to have one last happy memory with him.

I wish you both lots of fun and happy loving memorable moments because that is what it is all about.