Counting The Days Until…, Trying to find the strength Options

[ScottE]

Teary eyed update…

Murphy’s biopsy on his spleen did reveal that it was Hemangiosarcoma. Took everyone’s advice and spent quality time with Smurf over the past month. Took him everywhere (even to work), and spoiled him rotten. Being a former Guide Dog raiser, I even used my “Accompanied by Canine” badge to get him into my highly secure Govt. Facility.

Unfortunately, today was the day Murphy suc%%bed to the dreaded HSA beast. An ultrasound revealed dozens of tumors which were bleeding and attacking his vital organs. Because nothing further could have been done by the specialists, I had to make the most difficult decision any pet owner has to make.

Just as quickly as I learned about this deadly cancer, now I need to learn how to cope/deal/adjust to my loss and the entire grieving process. I’m in the blaming phase right now. Though I’m a scientist who thinks logically, I just can’t stop blaming myself for what has happened. For some reason, I can’t stop apologizing to my friend Smurf for what has happened. Yes, pets are like children that never grow out of the dependency stage. For that reason, I feel like I’ve let him down even though logically he was gravely sick.

In any event, I’m rambling, simply trying to stumble through this grieving journey.

-Scott (& Smurf 3/31/06)

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Previous post of March 7th below:

Less than one week ago, I noticed something not right with my 7 yo dog, Murphy. After a midnight visit to the ER, a series of X-rays and ultrasound revealed Smurf had a tumor rupture on/in his spleen. Surely, we'll just surgically remove the tumor/spleen and in a couple weeks hell be back to his happy go lucky self. Boy, how wrong could I be!!! Instead, I’m left trying to get a grip on the emotional roller-coaster that not only has occurred but will occur over the next few days/weeks.

Going into the surgery, my Vet talked to me about the high probability (80%) that the tumor would be Hemangiosarcoma; a malignant tumor of blood vessel cells. Though Smurf made it through the splenectomy surgery okay, I kept him at the Hospital for another 48-hours. Good thing since he became anemic and needed a blood transfusion the day after surgery. His heart also became arrhythmic and he was prescribed med's for that.

In the mean time, I was obsessed (and I mean obsessed) in finding as much information about this “silent killer” as I could on the Internet. The bottom line is that the survival time with surgery alone is 19-65 days and double that with chemotherapy.

Being today was the day the biopsy results were expected back, I continually made calls to my answering machine at home for any messages. Finally, a message from my Vet was on it confirming my worst nightmare; Hemangiosarcoma.

So here I am (as I watch my friend resting peacefully on my bed), trying to fathom his upcoming deterioration and at which point I'll have to make that final decision. He's still eating, drinking and pooping but noticeable weaker. I just can't leave him home alone so I'll take him to work and leave him in my friends garage across the street from work (since I work in a secure facility) and check up on him every couple of hours. You really thinking I'm actually gonna work? No!!! But I have a couple important all day meetings that's needed for the project I'm working on. Collegaues are aware of the situtation but have no idea how supportive they'll be.

Well enough said already. I just needed to put my thoughts down in an attempt to help start the grieving/guilt process.

Time for Smurf to have a Frosty-Paws ice cream; something he loves.

Fighting the tears,
-Scott

[cindi]

ScottE:
I am so sorry to hear about your Murphy. This is a very hard time for you, but very special in your course of time together. I lost my little girl Simple a little over two weeks ago, but was lucky to have her for 18 wonderful years. In October my Vet told me that she had only a matter of days, or maybe weeks to live, she had a number of health problems she had been battling for about four years. At that time I decided to go with me heart and treat her to the type of care she deserved at home. I learned to just enjoy our time together and let God take care of the rest. I am glad I did, because it allowed me time to spoil her even more than she already was and enjoy every moment we had left together. It truly was a wonderous experience. In the end it doesn't make the hurt any less, but it does give you a feeling of completeness, knowing that you gave all the love and caring you Baby so deserved. Also on the days that aren't so good, I think it gives you a little insight into the fact that our little Loved Ones do go on from here when they pass, and do find a haven where they wait for us to come and get them someday. In the meantime, know that you always have a place here to come when the going gets tough, and try to enjoy the time you and Murphy have together on this earth, so you can always hold that in your heart when you have to be seperated for awhile.
A Friend in Grief,
Cindi