I Just Cant Cope With This..., sorry so long, cant hold it in anymore Options

[Birdlover]

Six months ago, I found my beloved Rasta was killed. He was a goffin ##atoo, and I had him for nearly 20 years. He was the most special bird, so devoted to me like no other animal Ive ever had in my life. He was a wild-caught bird which I didnt know at the time I bought him. he was so very scared and hissed at anyone who looked at him. He quickly became very sweet and loving. He was a sucker for head scratches and once I gained his confidence that I wouldnt hurt him, he allowed me to scratch his head and we were inseperable ever since. I have never seen such a dramatic change in any animal that was so wild. He followed me everywhere in the house. If I called to him, he was there in an instant. He just loved to be cuddled and have his head scratched. He tolerated other people, wasnt agressive to them but wouldnt let them touch him like I could.
I had him as a pet for 9 years, when he made it quite clear to me that he wanted to have a mate. So I got a femal for him and they were immediately inseperable. He was still sweet to me too, but I decided to let them have a life together and so moved them to my aviary where they shared a large flight cage. They were together for 9 years when I found his mate dead one day. I took them both to the vet and it was determined that something killed the female, but they didnt know if it was Rasta or a wild animal. An animal communicator told me a skunk did it. She also told me that he really wanted another friend, so 4 months later I got another female. When Rasta’s new friend arrived, I decided to let her have his big flight and get used to everything, and had a smaller cage for him just outside the big flight so they could become acquainted. I had them like that for only two months. I went out to feed one morning, and to my horror found my beloved Rasta dead. My first sight when entering the aviary was an empty cage, and I knew he couldn’t get out because I had clipped the door shut, knowing he could work the latch. There were white feathers all over in front of his cage, and I knew immediately he was gone. I cannot begin to describe the heart wrenching feelings I had seeing that. All that was left of him was his head, sitting grotesquely in the bottom corner of his cage. So he had been pulled through in pieces. My husband was with me that morning, and wouldn’t let me look more than I already had, and in turning me around, I then saw my new redbelly parrot had been killed too. They had pulled him through the bars of his cage too, but had barely eaten him. There was blood all over, and his mutilated body hung from the cage. There were bloody footprints there, and my husband identified them as a raccoon. He took me down to the house and cleaned up the disaster. I buried both my birds that day, Rasta next to his original mate. I called the communicator a week later, barely able to even say anything. She told me that Rasta was very upset, that he was so sorry and he felt so stupid for wasting a perfectly healthy body like that. She told me he went to see the raccoon and then it got him. He told her it was not a painful death, but I just have such a hard time believing that. Its impossible for me to imagine my boy going like that, the most traumatic thing I have ever gone through to say the least. The communicator said Rasta wanted to come back to me, and asked if he could. Of course I said yes, because if that were a possibility, of course I would want him back. I just don’t know if that is what happens. I don’t know what to believe anymore. Do animals go to heaven, do they really come back in a new body, or do they just stop existing? I want him back more than anything, so of course I try to hold onto that thought. Its just that it has been six months now, and I miss him so deeply.

I still feel an immense amount of guilt for keeping him in that little cage, where he had no chance to get away. I feel completely responsible for not investigating every possibility for entrance into the aviary after the first attack. WHY didn’t I fix it so that it couldn’t happen again? I feel it is completely my fault that my boy is gone because I didn’t do everything necessary to prevent it. And now I am paying the ultimate price at his expense. The last day he was alive, I remember holding him in my arms and hugging him, kissing his little head and telling him how much I loved him. I had thought that day and a few others, that I should just bring him to the house and have him as a pet again. I felt torn because I had just gotten a new friend for him, and I also have another ##atoo (eleanora ##atoo) in the house and I was worried that there would be jealousy problems. But I couldn’t help but want my boy back just for me again. I had also had a few premonitions, I guess, months earlier. I was putting a collection of pictures together, and found one of Rasta’s baby pictures, and thought how much I missed him. He wasn’t dead at the time, and I was so horrified that my brain thought he was. I had also ran across the band I had removed from his leg. He hated it and picked at it constantly, till one day it had to come off because his leg was swollen around it. I had kept the pieces of it, and upon finding them had the same thought – that I missed him so much. But he wasn’t dead, what was I thinking?! So looking back, was I being warned? Why didn’t I listen and do something, anything to protect him? Of course, now I cant even find the pieces of his leg band, and that drives me insane.
I just dont know how to cope anymore. I miss him so much, and have so much guilt over what happened to him. Never did I think I would lose him in such a tragic horrible way.

[tracy2765]

I am so sorry that you have had to go through this terrible time. Im sorry that I cant post much I just want to send you healing prayers. I am still finding it hard to cope with my own grief.

God bless
Tracy