Being Angry, Working through my grief. Options

[Shauna]

In my original post "I can't believe it happened again", I outlined how my 14 month old kitten was killed by a car.

I tried to keep him inside, but other members of my family insisted on letting him out. At any rate, tragedy struck on November 9th, and I'm just trying to pick up the pieces of my life and move on.

For the first two weeks I was so angry. I was so angry at my family that I wouldn't even look at them or talk to them. Then I realized that this was making my grief worse. I could punish them for the rest of my lives but it would never bring my sweet Tiggy back. Furthermore, they never meant for him to be killed. I don't excuse their actions of letting him out against my wishes, but I do forgive them.

For the first few weeks I thought I was losing my mind. Somehow I managed to keep my life together will school and work. I really don't know how I got through. This week I've been feeling less crazy but the sadness and longing lingers. I think I've only gone two night without breaking down into tears.

I spoke to a counselor at school because I didn't want to face this alone. He recommended several strategies. He suggested I keep a journal. I already do this - a grief journal. I outline my journey through grief and also write letters to my boy. I started this journal when my first cat died in 2000. Never thought I'd have to use it again, but I did.

Sometimes grief brings us to a very dark place, especially if we feel there is blame to be placed either on ourselves or another. I have also found my loss has made me profoundly sensitive to the losses and personal tradgedies of others.

Here is a particulary angry journal entry I wrote a week after he died.

I hate...
Inward
Outward
Everything
Everyone
Anger fills me
Just give me a reason to hate you and I will
It's nothing personal,
The anger has to flow somewhere.
May as well be you.
Today I hate.
I hate my family, my friends, my past, my present, my future.
I hate my place on this earth, and I hate this world.
The headline reads "More child death cases revealed"
I was to smash the newspaper vending machine.
I want to scream "What the **** is wrong with you people!?!"
But it's a cold dark world.
And we hate.


The anger has since subsided and given way to other emotions on the berevement spectrum. Anger isn't a particulary pretty emotion, but it certainly accompanies the grief procession. What are the experiences of anger with others who have lost a beloved pet?

[ImissToty]

Shauna, Angelbaby, Bearbear, SJJ & S,

What you might find helpful is what I did a few days ago, when I was so angry my whole body was tensed up. I took a pillow and threw it at the wall with as much force as I could muster (accompanied by not a little verbal offloading!) You could use any object (but preferrably not something like a valuable piece of furniture as I've used in the past; altho a tired, old chair might thank you for putting it out of its misery!), and either punch, throw, or stamp on it as hard as you can.

Or you could go for a good old Greek style plate-smashing session, if you have any old crocks. Even just a bit of foot stamping might help you feel masses better by releasing the tension of pent up anger.

This might not sound like much, but you know I felt loads better after doing this. It was a way of redirecting my anger out of my body and into the pillow and wall.

In fact, I can feel another 'anger fit' coming on again as I write..... this is a technique that's used in councilling, and it's helped me loads on many occasions!

See what you think?

Look after yourselves and be really kind to yourselves,

Toty's mum