My Magic-cat Left Tonight Options

[5catsmom]

I came in from the grocery tonight and saw my little cat lying so still on the couch, went over, and she was gone already. It had to be within the past hour, and I feel unspeakably bad that I didn't know, and wasn't there at the end. She'd been eating and playing earlier so I don't know what happened. I guess I'm still in shock about it, and it just hurts so bad. I've lost a cat before, but she was 17 and in kidney failure, while Magic was fairly young. I don't know exactly how old she was - I took her in 3 years ago because she was living in a sewer near our house, and the vet could only guess 3 or 4 years old. Silly cat - until the past few months she'd always try to escape, and when she did, we always knew where to look, in her sewer. Lately she'd been more of a homebody, and played hide-and-seek with me, and even played a little with the others 5 cats. (She'd always hated them before.)

And I guess that's part of it, that she'd been so happy and calm lately, why it hurts so bad now. I just can't believe she's not here anymore. The other cats seem very subdued also - maybe that's just my imagination. It's been 4 years since I lost my older cat, and I'd forgotten how much it hurts, literally physically. I know I have other cats, and I love them dearly, but Magic grew on the whole family and was really coming into her own around here. She was such a funny-looking little cat, so feisty - I can't imagine her being gone.

I'm a religious person, and I have no doubt that all my pets who leave are with God now, and safe in His love and care. It just hurts, and feels like it will hurt forever - but that's not possible, is it? All pain is blunted and blurred in the end, and we will mostly remember the good times, right?

I guess I just needed to reach out and try to rationalize all the pain I'm feeling, since I don't want to burden my kids and other cats - my husband is TDY now so he doesn't even know. I know there are so many other people out there who have gone through what I'm going through now. I guess I just cry myself out, and pray, and know that at least Magic's last years were warm and happy. It just hurts, more than I can say, like it will overwhelm me, and I can't let that happen. Please, God, help us heal.

[5catsmom]

Tomorrow sometime I will be going in to pick up Magic's ashes from the nice folks at the pet crematory. She's the 4th pet who's gone there, including 2 rabbits and my son's hamster. I am dreading it so much, realizing the finality of it all. The people who run this place also are setting up a no-kill shelter next door and sell pet supplies to benefit our local Humane Society. I'm thinking that as a memorial to Magic I'd see if they need any volunteers. I don't know that I'm in any shape to do that but I feel like I should do something.

I don't know if the days are getting easier or not. For awhile there I was rationalizing everything and seemed to be able to accept her loss, but now I'm not so sure. I try to compare this loss with losing my Heidi-cat to chronic renal failure 4 years ago, but she'd been so sick that I'd done a lot of grieving before she died, and so I can't find much comparison - I don't know how I got through that time. Maybe there's an amnesia that kicks in after awhile, like when you labor in childbirth. I worked as an OB nurse for years and had 5 kids myself, and I was always amazed at the ability women have to - not forget, really, but to put aside the agony once there was a baby as proof of the hard painful time they'd had. If there's a selective amnesia that's going to come into place now, I wish it would hurry up, because this pain is comparable (to me, anyway) of labor and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel yet. To add cruel irony, it's the holiday season when we're all trying to be happy and please others, and my "others" are going to be mighty disappointed with my efforts.

So, I'll keep waiting for this pain to ease, and try to take comfort from those around me and on this site, and someday it has to get better, right?