For Punky Options

[Punky's Mommy]

Dear Punky,

Today is the one week anniversary of your passing. I remember perfectly how I was holding you at this very minute exactly one week ago. I am so so sorry things ended as they did. If I could do anything at all to take away the pain and fear of your last moments I would do it for you over and over and over again.

I want you to know how much I miss you. I keep looking for signs of you, but I know that I have to let you go. I want to do everything in my power to make sure that we are reunited again when it is my time to pass on.

We were perfect for each other. I have never loved somebody so unconditionally. My affection for you will always be endless.

Now run and play, my angel.

Love,
Mommy

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[Punky's Mommy]

My Beautiful Boy,

We are not long from your one-year anniversary, sweet puppy. We are around our 10 month mark, and the moon is slowly returning to the place burned in my memory.

At this date, one year ago, I still clung to hope and denial, but you were already on your way. The cancer was already taking from you - your vision, your bladder control, your muscle tone, but I would not receive definitive medical proof of it for another few weeks. I saw how you strangely went 100% blind in a matter of days--but you were still perky. I thought of cataract surgery for you. I still left you home alone while I went out to Halloween parties. I still believed in the possibility that you had beaten cancer.

Today we had a hurricane. Last summer, during our first and worst hurricane, I remember protecting you instantly and instinctively, like my very child, when one of my favorite pine trees could no longer hold up to the winds, and fell right upon us. I had you tight in my arms and I shielded you, and we lived. Today I could not protect you. I went to your grave site to find that your body is submerged in floodwaters. If I was told a year ago that today I'd be contemplating your fur and bones as they lie buried in sand and water, it would be more than I could handle.

Tonight I lit an incense stick and its smell brought back a memory. I decided that when it is your one year anniversary, I will light the same incense that your daddy burned on your last night with us. I swore that I never wanted to smell that smell again because of the memories it holds. But tonight I decided that its OK if once a year I let myself fully feel what happened to you on that last night.

I don't cry as often as I did in the first several months after your passing, but when I do, it is no less visceral and raw.

Occasionally I come in contact with other dogs - my sister's dog, and my neighbor's dog, but they cannot compare with you. Were you an angel? You were so much more than a mere "dog". I miss your bright eyes and I miss your laughter and games.

Your daddy loves you and misses you very deeply. He is taking good care of me, and always holds and comforts me when I cry for you. When my time comes, I can't wait to find you and be with you again.

Love,
Mommmmmmy