Grief And More Grief, Grieving multi-losses Options

[Luna]

I lost Theodore, my 13 year old cat on Wednesday night. he was put to sleep about 5:15 pm. Like so many folks in the same boat, my heart is broken and I miss him so much. I can't stop crying or thinking about him. It's awful. He had chronice renal failure, a common plight of older cats. He was only diagnosed 6 weeks ago and during that time, we were working hard to get him well. I won't go into the details, but even with all the typical kidney disease interventions, he declined and I had to make the decision to let him go.

My dad died 6 weeks ago and my grandmother 5 weeks ago. I expected my little Theo to be there for me like he always has. I was counting on him to help me get through the grief and now it turns out I'm grieving for him. It feels all like to much grief. My older female cat Emily is wandering around the house looking for him. She cries for him and it breaks my heart. I've explained to her that Theo is gone and is not coming back. I toldl her that we loved him but that he was suffering and had to go. I told her that I love her and that we will have a nice life together in time. I let her sniff Theo's collar and she knows he's gone.

Yesterday a woman I know gave me a Calla Lily plant. I decided that I would make a special garden in my yard to honor Theo. It will be called the "Theodore Garden". It's a lovely, cozy spot, with trees and flowers that looks out to the ocean. I'm going to mosaic a paving stone with Theo's name on it and it will lay over the spot where I'll put his urn. There'll be a little bench made out of driftwood, big enough for two people where I can go by myself or with friends to reflect on my special friend. It will be lovely. And the process of making this spot I feel has been healing.

But it's still hard. It's getting late and soon I will go to bed and he won't be there. I'll wake up in the morning and his funny little face won't greet me. My life seems sad now. Lonely. But I guess the operative word is "now". I know it won't always be so hard. I know this because before Wednesday when Theo was put to sleep, I'd grieved my dad for over 5 weeks and I felt myself starting to lift out of the profound incapacitating grief that his death had caused. There was hope. Theo's passing plunged me back in. Maybe the grief is more intense because of dad and grandma, but I really think my sadness for Theo is for him alone.

Theo was a little kitten that chose me in March of 1992 when I was living in Nelson, British Columbia. He was a black cat with white tuxedo and face. He was part manx and was one of the litter that had a full tail. He had a lovely personality and loved people. People loved him. He was always nearby or in the center of the group. Every picture I have around the house, Theo took the photo op. He slept at the foot of my bed for 13 years. He was a great hunter in earlier years and enjoyed ventures in the garden. He and I were close. We depended on each other to always be there, to always come back from our adventures. We had a special understanding between us. The night before he died, I told him that whatever happened, I would not make him suffer. The next morning, I took him for a walk in my arms around the yard so he could feel the sun and hear the birds, just in case he didn't come back from the vet. He didn't come back, but next week he's coming home to that place in the garden.

Joy

[Luna]

It's been a week now since I said goodbye to Theodore. It has been one hard week!!!! I wonder how I will go on without him. I'm alone and him and his sister are my little family. I bought this house on the Sunshine Coast for us. Every part of the day reminds me of Theo. He used to wake me up by jumping on the bed and trying to pry open my eyelids with his paws. When I was awake, I would yell "breakfast" and they would both run to their bowls to be fed. Then I would open up the cat door and Theo would go off for his morning rounds sniffing the scents of the animals that had visited our yard overnight. He would visit the neighbors during the day and of course nap with his sister in the sunshine until I got home from work. He would always be waiting on the deck for me at the end of the day. I only had to yell "Theo" and he would jump down and follow me up the lane to greet me at the top. At night they would be napping on their lawnchairs on the deck and I only had to yell "bedtime" when I would quickly close the cat door and they would be in the house secure for the night. I would read on the couch and they would both be on me, Emily on my stomach and Theo in the crook of my legs. It was a cozy time. I miss those moments so much. I wish I would have treasured them more while they were happening. They will never come again with Theo.

Next week I pick up Theo's ashes. I'm scared that picking them up is going to be too much for me. I've written about the garden I've made for Theo. Now I don't know if I can put him outside. It's started to rain and it's miserable outside. It will be like this for months. I don't know if I want to put his ashes in the ground. It makes me feel so lonely for him. Lonely for myself.

I've been a space cadet the last week, well the last almost two months really. I can't seem to get on track with my life. I work for myself and my motivation has been out the window. If money were not an issue, I would take the next six months off and grieve and write and reflect. And I have no energy. I think grief really zaps it out of you. It's mentally draining. Friends try to talk to me about their plans and activities and I can barely bring myself to acknowlege them: "Ya, have a nice time on your vacation. Don't worry about me. My dad and my grandma and my cat just died but I'm fine. You just go off and enjoy yourself!!"

Life does go on though doesn't it for others. I feel like a deer in headlights about my life. Will I ever be able to let go of this pain and feel excited about life again? Will this too pass?

Luna