Losing My Cat, Cat dieing of FIV kidney failure Options

[Kaluja]

I just found this site and I'm grateful. My cat of 16 years is dieing and my heart is breaking. He is at the vets all weekend and I'm filled with so much fear. I visited him today, but can't see him until monday. He went in because he stopped eating and after tests he was diagnosed with Anemia caused by FIV related kidney problems. He had a blood transfusion yesterday and has improved very slightly. I know that even if he improves more, that the time is coming. The vet said he has at most a couple more months. I know I will have to make the decision to have him put to sleep or let him pass at home and I'm scared. I'm afraid if he passes at home that coming home to him dead will break me, but having him put to sleep in my arms makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry in the corner. Having him put to sleep without me isn't a choice. The pain and fear is sooo overwhelming. I have no other pets and am not married, so he has been it for me over the last 16 years. I have suffered this loss before. I had to put a pet to sleep when I was 14 and it killed me. Thinking of experiencing that pain again......is like a knife through my spine. I will try to bring him home monday and I hope I won't be selfish in my choices. I just feel like I'm dieing inside. This is so hard.

[Kaluja]

I took Kaluja to the vet today to see if the Epogen is doing anything and it doesn't seem to be working. My doctor told me to give him some prednizone and hope that maybe it will renew some of his appetite and relieve some of his discomfort. I'm freaking out. He's been meowing tonight in a weird way and then I realized his butt was leaking. I tried to clean him up, but I don't know why after not going for days, now he's leaking. I don't know if it's the prednizone or just his body getting that much closer to death. I have been so convinced that he wants to die at home on his own with me, but what if I'm wrong.
This is so hard.