The Pain Is Taking My Breath Away, Pumpkin is gone Options

[hvillare]

Yesterday at 11:00 a.m. our 14-year-old orange tabby, Pumpkin, passed away in the arms of our family. We had 20 minutes before the vet came him to put him to sleep. During that time, he purred and turned to each family member to say goodbye. I gazed into the eyes of each of us and purred. I think he understood we were trying to help him feel better. Even though the vet told us that the liver tumor was extremely large and Pumpkin was very anemic, having him put to sleep makes me feel like a murderer. It was difficult for the vet to found a vein because of the anemia. When the vet put the needle into Pumpkin's arm, he let out the most pitiful, long meow that I have ever heard. My heart broke. He passed away quickly, but I feel like his last moments were not peaceful. I feel so guilty. Thank God we had a very compassionate vet who took care of Pumpkin through the years. Even he had tears in his eyes. Afterwards I didn't want to leave and held Pumpkin's lifeless body, kissing him over and over.

This past week my boy had stopped eating and drinking and couldn't walk without falling over in exhaustion. He had been so large and robust until just 3 weeks ago when I found out about the large liver mass. Watching him fade before my eyes was so painful. I would have sacrificed anything to make him better, but there was nothing that could be done. Any treatments would have just prolonged his suffering.

Right now the pain is so great that it is physical. I feel like there is a large hole in my chest. It hurts so bad that sometimes it is hard to breath. It just aches throughout my entire chest. I break down in tears all the time. Last night when I went to bed, it really hit me. Pumpkin has always slept in my arms all night long. My arms felt so empty without him to hold. I see him all over the house and can't feel any peace here.

I have had many cats since I was a little girl (I am now 33), but the Pumpkin was THE cat you are lucky to meet once in a lifetime. He was compassionate (never leaving our sides when we were sick), grateful (he always loved the special things we bought for him), and kind (he had so much patience with small children.) He went through the good and bad times with us and comforted me at all the low times in my life. He was more than a cat to us. He was a treasured family member. He was the anchor in our lives. I don't know how to go on without him.

I think I'm losing my mind. When I looked out my front window this morning I thought I saw him. My heart skipped a beat. Maybe he isn't dead at all! My heart sank when I realized it was a golden retriever puppy with the same coloring. I want him back and I don't know how life will ever be joyful again without him.

Thank you for listening to me. Only you and my family understands this pain. I am sorry for the loss of all of your beautiful friends and reading your posts helps me to know that I'm not alone. Even in my grief knowing you are out there helps me. You are my hope.

Love,
Helena

Pumpkin,
You are gone from our arms, but you will live in our hearts forever. See you in heaven.
Love,
David, Helena, Michael, and Vanessa

[jenn]

Dear Helena,
Your story is one I can very much relate to. Freeway, my small mixed breed dog, died from a tumor too. He had one last summer, and we did surgery to get rid of it... all tests came back clean, they said it likely hasn't spread, and wasn't cancerous... it had spread, to his chest... we found out about 6 months after the surgery when he began to shake uncontrollably one day.. they found the tumor and he was shaking and feverish due to an infection from the tumor. They said it was unoperable. They gave him a month to live, and my little fighter lived 3 months. On his last night I stayed up all night with him and I knew it was time to end his suffering.. even though I still know it was the right thing to do, the guilt plagues me. Freeway also reacted badly to the needle, yelping until he died... It is a sound and sight I doubt will ever leave me... Even though it wasn't peaceful it was quick... and I know had I let him continue on (and this is true for your furbaby as well) he would have lived a horrible few months before dying on his own. Unfortunately, sometimes we are forced to make this decision and it is us who must now burden the pain and grief, and yes the guilt too. But it is the last act of love we can give to our babies... I know Freeway was miserable and suffering... I miss him every moment of every day... It will be 7 weeks tomorrow and I still say I have ok days, and bad days, and really bad days.. no good days yet. It does get a little easier as time goes on... One of the biggest obsticles, sadly is that other people just don't understand. We are supposed to be 'over it' in a matter of days... You truly have to let yourself grieve as long as it takes... and distance yourself from those who don't understand and just let yourself feel the pain sometimes... This is a great place too, full of caring people who truly do understand and will offer a comforting word or shoulder whenever you need it and they feel up to it.
Take care of yourself and know we are thinking of you, and that you have a safe place to come when you need to.