Feeling Lousy And Guilty, Things will never be right again Options

[bluejules]

Since Shaun died on Tuesday, I've been through such a range of emotions. But at the moment I'm feeling really worried about my feelings.

A friend emailed me the words to "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. I took a copy to Shaun's grave today and put it on top of his casket:

Looking back on the memory of the dance we shared,
beneath the stars above.
For a moment all the world was right,
how was I to know that you'd ever say goodbye?
And now I'm glad I didn't know the way it would all end,
the way it would all go.
Our lives are better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance.

When we got back from the cemetery I realised that my feelings towards the other pets have changed. I feel very, very guilty, but I just don't seem to love them as much. Even my little dog - I've only had him for 5 weeks and I adored him. And then there's the other four cats. I still care about them, but things are not the same.

When I thought about "The Dance", I realised that when Shaun was around "all the world was right". Somehow, Shaun brought out the best in me. Because he was so special, I loved everyone so much. Now he's gone, I feel that things will never be right again.

When I look at the other babies, I think they are cute and I want to care for them. But when I see Shaun's picture, I am overwhelmed with love and grief. I'm so sad that I don't seem to love the others as much as I did, I wish it wasn't like this. I wish I could feel the same as I did before Shaun died.

What's the matter with me?

[Dixie's Mom]

Hi Jules,
I know you posted several days ago but I am reading it for the first time today. I know exactly what you mean about the world being right only when Shaun was here. I feel the same way with Dixie. I don't even care anymore. We just moved into this house around 3 weeks ago and I was so enthused with fixing it up, fixing the yard, painting, etc. etc. and now I've stopped caring about it all. Who cares what the house looks like? Dixie died and that is all that mattered. I only do the things I have to, but I don't want to. I haven't cooked a meal since she died...microwave food only. I feel incredibly guilty going back to normalcy. It is if I am disrespecting the fact that she died in such an awful way. My moving on means that I forgot about her. That is not true, nor will it ever be, but that's how my mind is working right now. Life will never be the same. I'm sure you can relate.
As for not loving the other pets as much, boy oh boy, can I relate. I had 2 dogs, Dixie and Frances. Dixie was always the follower, and Frances was the leader. When I yelled for them to not chase the cat, they both stopped, then FRANCES darted into the street. Dixie followed. Had Frances not gone, Dixie would not have. A part of me is blaming my other dog Frances for not listening to me. I blame myself, the dumb lady in the SUV, and Frances. I feel so bad for Frances, though. Dixie was her "sister" for the last 8 years. I got them both from the pound a few months apart. They grew up together. Frances was sooo sooo lost the first few days that I went to the pound and adopted 4 year old Jake (a big shaggy blond terrier) on July 8th. Frances resented him at first. After all, Jake is not Dixie! But she is SLOOOWWLY adapting to him. Sometimes I resent the new dog too for not being Dixie. Right now, he is just another dog in the house. I will love him in time, but I am still grieving over my baby of 8 years. Regardless, Frances needed a new friend. She's never been alone and I don't think she could have handled being the only dog. Sorry for being so long-winded. Just wanted to tell you that I can totally understand feeling that you don't love the other babies as much anymore. I am trying my best to give Frances and our new furbaby all the love I can. But on the inside, my heart is so broken. I loved Dixie SOOOO much. Indescribable love. She went from a 9 month old peeing chewing barking PAIN IN THE BUTT to my very best friend who gave me unconditonal love ALWAYS. Life can never be the same. But all we can do is keep living, I guess.
Take care. You are in my thoughts.
Dana