Cory's Gone And I Can't Cope, the most painful thing I've ever done Options

[jack]

For the last 3 days my dog Cory, an American Eskimo, had not been himself. He seemed very lethargic and didn't want to eat, drink or move around much. Cory has a lifelong thyroid condition for which I had given him daily medication and occassionally he would have spells like this. I had Cory since he was a puppy and he turned 13 in April. But this time his lethargy seemed different and more intense. When my caretaker ( I am disabled) took him out to relieve himself, he staggered and collapsed. We took him to the emergency hospital and they ran tests and suspected that he had autoimmune anemia as his red blood cell count was extremely low. They kept him overnight and confirmed the diagnosis the next morning. It was then that I learned that the prognosis was very poor. My heart sank as I suddenly realized that I could lose my beloved Cory. I called the doctor several times during the day only to learn that his condition had become worse. They were recommending that Cory be put to sleep. I cried all day yesterday without being able to make that decision. It was too heartbreaking to comprehend. I asked if I could come and visit him and they agreed. I walked up to his cage where he was lying on a thick comforter which the hospital had kindly provided. To me he looked as beautiful as he always had but he couldn't respond much except to look at me with those big beautiful brown eyes. Those same eyes had told me through the years when he was happy or when he was sad or disappointed. I could always see the disappointment in his face when I had to leave him at home because the weather was too hot to leave him in the car while I completed an errand. Yet when I returned, he would always be at the door, wagging his tail as those big brown eyes showed his delight at my return.

I stayed with Cory about 20 minutes, sobbing uncontrollably as they asked me if I had made the decision. I just couldn't . I asked if he was in pain and they said "no" - but he was very, very weak. I told them I had to go home and think about it and I spent the rest of the afternoon contemplating between sobs. After talking with two friends who had lost their dogs and were aware of what I was going through, I made the heartbraking decision to let him go. I was to be at the hospital at 9:30pm. They sat me in a room with a table so that I could hold Cory from my wheelchair. Soon they brought him in with his comforter and set him on the table in front of me. Again, he looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes, now a little discolored from the illness. They allowed me to spend about 30 minutes with him and although sobbing, I was able to tell him how much I loved him, how I knew he had loved me and how I would never forget him as he would always be with me. I held on to him close, petted him and kissed him over and over again.

Just as I thought my heart could break no more, they walked in and asked if I was ready. Barely able to speak, I nodded yes. I held on to him tightly, never wanting to let go and sobbing uncontrollably. I looked into his eyes as they administered the medicine through his IV and within a matter of seconds, he passed away without ever closing those beautiful eyes. I held onto him not wanting to let go and kissed him one more time. I sat there barely able to catch my breath between sobs crying out his name. As I was about to leave the room, I looked back one more time knowing I would never see him again. When I got home, I sobbed until there were no more tears, just an overwhelming sadness. I knew my life could never be the same without my beloved Cory.

Today is the first day after. My pain is worse than ever. Everything reminds me of him but he is not there. His bowl, his pillow, pictures of him, his favorite spots to lie at my feet. I feel like life can never be the same and I am overcome with grief that I cannot escape. I miss Cory more than I can say and feel like a part of me is gone forever and can never be replaced. I cannot stop crying. I know that time will ease the pain but at the moment, it seems like time has stood stil.

As a 62 year old man, it is not easy to display such uncontrolled emotion. It is not part of our culture. But this has been the most emotionally painful two days I've ever experienced. I have no family here - they are thousands of miles away so I have very little support except some kind words froma few friends. If anyone has any advice for me, I would be most appreciative. I know Cory is looking down on me and does not want me to suffer this much.

Thank you for listening.

Jack

[mosmommy]

Jack
I am so sorry for your loss. It has been 3 weeks today since I had to be there when my beloved Cosmo passed. It is such a hard choice to make and even harder to be there with them as they pass, that was a truly selfless act on your part. As hard as it was for you to let him go and to be there while he passed, I believe Cory knew you were there and you were willing to take the pain of watching him go as your own, so that he could have the comfort of your presence as he passed. It has been 3 weeks for me, like I said, and I am still grieving hard. I have other pets that need me, but my baby (10 years old), had needed me to give him daily medication for the last several years, just like your Cory. These mornings when I first get up, I still look for him to give him his pills. My pain is still fresh, but much better now than it was the first 2 weeks. I am so happy that you chose to reach out to the caring souls in this forum, where you have the freedom to express all the sadness and grief inside of you, to others who understand. I wish I could give you the "magic date" when you'll be O.K. again, but we all have our own grieving time and for some of us, it is much longer than others. The cliche' "one day at a time" is a true one, but when you feel like you have to let it out, go right ahead. In private or on here, someone will listen. When you are ready to move on, you will know and you are the ONLY ONE who will. Please accept my condolences, and my prayers. When you are ready, share some of your wonderful memories of Cory here on this forum with us, especially if you cannot find someone close who will listen and understand-WE WILL. The next few days or (weeks), will be tough, but let it out when you feel it and remember to take care of yourself. I believe that ALL LOVE transcends species, gender, and time.
Bless You in your sorrow,
Michelle (Mos Mommy)