He Meant The World To Me, My sweet furbaby died yesterday Options

[jenn]

I never thought I would be one of these people that felt the world stand still when their pet died. I knew I loved Freeway, he was my best friend, my baby... but it wasn't until he was diagnosed with a tumor that I realized just how much he meant.

We did surgery for the tumor, as all tests indicated it hadn't spread and was completely operable.. the operation was a success, and the tumor was not cancerous... we rejoiced for 6 months in the news... and then Freeway started to get sick again.. he would violently shake, wouldn't sleep or eat... we knew something was wrong.

The vet confimed our fears.. the tumor had spread.. it was just too small or hard to see. He now had a large mass in his chest, and was given 1 month to live. My heart broke. He lived 3 months. He fought hard through 2 infections from the tumor, and was constantly tired and weak. But he was happy. One month ago we were told he'd have 5 days max when he began to throw up blood. He got through that one too, bounced back, and was once again my very sick, but very happy little dog. He wasn't in pain.

Then, yesterday, my mom woke me up to tell me that Freeway wasn't doing well... He had had a hard night, couldn't lay down, having a hard time breathing.. I went upstairs with a lead weight in my heart, praying for the strength to know if it was time and to do what was best for my friend, not for my heart. Freeway was scared, tired, and suffering. He took a drink and choked... the tumor had grown and was pressing on his heart, lungs, and throat, making any movement difficult. I knew in my heart it was time and called the vet.

Putting him to sleep was one of the most horrific things I have ever done. He hated needles and he yelped until his final breath.. His eyes remained open, they wouldn't close.. and in them I only saw a reflection of myself, instead of my Freeway. The grief I now feel is intense, and overwhelming. At times I am numb, but usually I am in tears, wishing I could turn back time, be selfish, keep him here. He was my first pet, given to me at 12 years old, and he was my faithful friend each and every day that he lived.

He took a piece of me with him yesterday. I can't imagine the tears ever stopping, the pain ever ceasing... I am heart broken, and would do anything for just one more sloppy kiss, one more time I have to yell at him for barking, one last bath that I know he hated. No one understands my grief. While my family is sad we are sad behind closed doors. My friends are telling me to get another dog and that will cure everything. I don't want another dog. I want Freeway. I am due back to work tomorrow and cannot take any time off, and I am not sure how I will ever get through the next few days at work with him on my mind. How does life just continue on when such a huge part of you is now missing.. How do I get the vision of my baby dying out of my head. How can I pretend everything is ok when nothing is. I miss him so much, and it's barely been 24 hours. How does life keep moving when my world is standing still.

[jenn]

Thanks again for everyone's support. It means a lot to me and is helping me get through these difficult days.
I am so sorry for everyone's pain. I hate that we are all united in grief, but I am glad we all have each other. I hope that as my grief starts to lessen I too can be a big part of this website... helping other's thru their grief as so many are helping me thru mine.
Work yesterday was hard, but I only had 2 breakdowns, which is good for me. It does seem like people just want me to 'get over it'. It's only been a few days, and not only that, I can't see myself ever truly getting over it. A part of me is missing. One girl kept saying she's going to draw a happy face on my face because she can't stand seeing me so sad (a joke she makes often), and I had to tell her that I need her to allow me to be sad and to get used to it! I don't understand why society is the way it is... pets are family members and the heartache we feel when we lose one is much the same as when we lose a human loved one.
I am considering getting another dog. One of the hardest things for me has been coming home to an empty house, no furball there to greet me. I NEED something to nurture. And I know it's what Freeway would want. We rescued him at 3 weeks old.. his mom died and the owners were having a hard time keeping up with all the puppies care... so we took him in, and bottle fed him, then switched to formula, and watched our teeny tiny baby grow into a strong and happy boy. Freeway would WANT me to rescue another pet... Without us he probably would not have had a chance to live. My grandma is staying with me for a few days (she has Alzheimers and I share in her care giving) and she has to bring her dog.. I am going to see how I feel with having another dog here and make my decision.. Maybe I'll head over to the shelter tomorrow and see if a dog there captures my heart. Nothing will ever replace Freeway. Another pet will not ease the ache in my heart... and I know then I'll have to go through this all over again... which I dread already. But just the thought of getting another dog (a puppy, as I cannot fathom getting an older dog and going through this again in the near future) has healed my heart a bit... I've written this without one tear! Even a smile or 2...
My grandma and her dog just arrived and I have to admit its already hard.. I haven't been upstairs to see them yet, but I can hear her dog walking on the hardwood floor and his collar... and my heart jumped thinking Freeway was home... will that feeling ever go away? I know he isn't coming home so why do I keep thinking he has.. it's torture. Her dog is now searching the house for Freeway... I do that too, sometimes... Hoping I'll turn a corner and there he will be, laying against a wall like he always did.. And the cycle of grief continues...