He Meant The World To Me, My sweet furbaby died yesterday Options

[jenn]

I never thought I would be one of these people that felt the world stand still when their pet died. I knew I loved Freeway, he was my best friend, my baby... but it wasn't until he was diagnosed with a tumor that I realized just how much he meant.

We did surgery for the tumor, as all tests indicated it hadn't spread and was completely operable.. the operation was a success, and the tumor was not cancerous... we rejoiced for 6 months in the news... and then Freeway started to get sick again.. he would violently shake, wouldn't sleep or eat... we knew something was wrong.

The vet confimed our fears.. the tumor had spread.. it was just too small or hard to see. He now had a large mass in his chest, and was given 1 month to live. My heart broke. He lived 3 months. He fought hard through 2 infections from the tumor, and was constantly tired and weak. But he was happy. One month ago we were told he'd have 5 days max when he began to throw up blood. He got through that one too, bounced back, and was once again my very sick, but very happy little dog. He wasn't in pain.

Then, yesterday, my mom woke me up to tell me that Freeway wasn't doing well... He had had a hard night, couldn't lay down, having a hard time breathing.. I went upstairs with a lead weight in my heart, praying for the strength to know if it was time and to do what was best for my friend, not for my heart. Freeway was scared, tired, and suffering. He took a drink and choked... the tumor had grown and was pressing on his heart, lungs, and throat, making any movement difficult. I knew in my heart it was time and called the vet.

Putting him to sleep was one of the most horrific things I have ever done. He hated needles and he yelped until his final breath.. His eyes remained open, they wouldn't close.. and in them I only saw a reflection of myself, instead of my Freeway. The grief I now feel is intense, and overwhelming. At times I am numb, but usually I am in tears, wishing I could turn back time, be selfish, keep him here. He was my first pet, given to me at 12 years old, and he was my faithful friend each and every day that he lived.

He took a piece of me with him yesterday. I can't imagine the tears ever stopping, the pain ever ceasing... I am heart broken, and would do anything for just one more sloppy kiss, one more time I have to yell at him for barking, one last bath that I know he hated. No one understands my grief. While my family is sad we are sad behind closed doors. My friends are telling me to get another dog and that will cure everything. I don't want another dog. I want Freeway. I am due back to work tomorrow and cannot take any time off, and I am not sure how I will ever get through the next few days at work with him on my mind. How does life just continue on when such a huge part of you is now missing.. How do I get the vision of my baby dying out of my head. How can I pretend everything is ok when nothing is. I miss him so much, and it's barely been 24 hours. How does life keep moving when my world is standing still.

[Kim R.]

To Mo's mommy,
I think you SHOULD compare your own story, if you feel up to it. I think our stories are what set us apart from what we can't get from friends or family that haven't experienced it or truly know our pain. I know that when people can respond to me with the same feelings or situation, I don't feel so alone. Every time someone validates my feelings with a similiar experience of their own, I can breathe a little easier that I'm normal, and it comforts me to know I'm not alone in this.
{P.S.-I have also found that when I'm the "share-er" I get just as much healing as I do from being the "share-ee"! So it is a positive situation either way.}
Your friend in grief,
Kim