10 Months And Still Guilty Options

[Kim R.]

I have been looking in on this site for quite some time, but this is my first post. I must admit I have been doing my posting on another site, and although they are truly wonderful there, there just isn't much activity there.
No one around me, although they try, really understands my depth of pain, and I really need someone who does. As I am sure many people here do, I feel like I have lost a child. I had my German Shepherd, Sasha, for 16 wonderful years. Other than being a little stiff on cold days she was perfectly healthy for 15 of those years. My family always joked that she would outlive all of us! Well, in her 16th year,her age caught up with her and the arthritis got pretty bad. We tried every drug on the market and even went way over the recommended dose there toward the end (we knew at that point we had nothing to lose), but even that was not helping anymore. I guess it was so hard because everyone says that they will "tell" you when they are ready. Sasha didn't. She still had an appetite, still showed as much joy and excitement to see me as ever, and even still squeaked a toy every now and then. The thing is, her hips had gotten so weak, when she would walk her feet would drag, and sometimes her back end would just fall under her. She couldn't stand for very long before her back end would start to slowly sink towards the floor. She was having a hard time gettting up and down and had to be in pain, but never showed me any signs, so I continued to be in denial. Well, one day I came home and she was sprawled out on the kitchen floor shaking and panting. She must have been trying to get a drink or something to eat and her hips must have given out. She didn't have enough strength in them to to get her traction on the tile floor and had just exhausted herself trying. I immediately got her up and onto the carpet where I just held her and broke down from the reality check. It was too much for me to see her like that. Knowing how scared she must have been. I asked my husband (who had been with me for 13 of those 16 years of Sashas life) if he thought she was ready to go. He looked at me and said "She has been ready, it's you that needed time". I want to believe she was ready. She went very peacefully when we had her euthanized. She was laying with her head in my lap, and although I know from her shaking that she knew what was happenning, she was very brave. I hate to think she was scared, but my husband said as smart and aware as she was of things, he was sure she knew what was happenning ,and,like any of us would be, was just nervous about the unknown, but not scared. I can only pray he is right. I did what I thought was best for her, but I will always wonder if there was something else we could have tried or done. It haunts me, since she never did show any signs of being unhappy in life, that I did it too soon.If I did do it too soon, does she forgive me.?. I hate to think that she is wondering why I did that to her, wondering what she did wrong for me to do that to her. Even after 10 months it is so painful. She was THAT dog. You know the one that comes along once in a lifetime? We all have them I think. The one that will always outshine the rest and hold a special place in our hearts forever. She was my canine soulmate, and I am forever changed by her.

Sasha's tribute http://www.in-memory-of-pets.com/personalt...te.asp?ID=49686

I would also like to share this beautiful animated version of "Rainbow Bridge"--A real tear jerker- http://www.indigo.org/rainbowbridge_ver2.html

Thanks to all for taking the time to read this.
Your friend in grief,
Kim

[Kim R.]

Lynn,
I am so sorry your Taylor had to deal with so much. I can't imagine what it must be like to see your baby in such a state of illness . Your words have really helped me more than you know. When you say that I knew Sasha best and made a decision accordingly..it is painfully true. It is hard to live with the guilt of losing her, but I don't think I could live at all if I would have let her get to a point of misery before I let her go. Knowing that I could have stopped it. I guess for coming from the pound at only 5 weeks old, after being found by a farmer in a box on the side of the road(with a litter of puppies that were not as fortunate..Sasha was the only one still alive) she didn't have it too bad . I really feel like she was sent to me from God. I was only 13 years old and was a volunteer at the animal shelter on the weekends (all I really did was give the dogs baths and give them one-on-one time..but I felt important !) Anyway, of all the babies that came through there, and as many as I would have LIKED to take home, something told me that I HAD to have her when she came in. Luckily, my parents love animals as much as I do and German Shepherds happen to be their favorite breed, so I had it in the bag ! I hate to think of how different her life would have been had she gone to someone else who didn't love her like I did. I just can't imagine her being able to live chained to a doghouse or something . I guess that was never a question in God's eyes-he already knew who her forever mommy would be...for that I will be forever thankful!!!
Thank you again for reliving your pain so I can try to heal.
Your friend in grief,
Kim