Living Without Amber Visibly There, Moving Forward Is Hard Options

[luv_my_catz]

Hello All ,

Today I am faced with the dilema of inertia ~ I cannot seem to move beyond where I am in my grief ~ I have the Master Bedroom closed ~ Amber's ashes are in there ~ the flowers on the table ~ the music playing ~ the quiet beauty of her life and the peaceful retreat we shared preserved ~ I feel as though I would be betraying her by letting the other cat in that room ~ she was protected from him in her little safe world there with me ~ He lost his rights to be in there by attacking her so much when she was beginning to show her age years ago ~ I cannot imagine sleeping in my bed without her there - or allowing him to "invade " her domain ~ its just not honorable ~ so now I don't know what to do ~ I have a lovely Master Suite ~ yet cannot find the way to reclaim it and integrate the sweet memories of " Amber's Days" with the Hope for the future and years I may have left with Ceece ~ he is a sweet ol' boy just always was too in his own world to ever properly learn cat protocol ~ I am stuck ~ I need to remain true to my loyalty to Ambie and her spirit within and without my soul ~ yet I do not want to keep myself locked in the past ~ life is filled with integrations and weavings of the spirits we have with us and the events we find ourselves moving through ~ I tried to sleep in the guest room ~ that didn't work either ~ so for now its back to the sofa bed ~ I am in a quandry ~ does anyone have any ideas?

Many THANKS,
Kathryn

[Pamela]

Kathryn,
I have always been able to relate to what you are feeling. After Moose was gone, I could not sleep in my room anymore, my cuddle bug was gone, the room where he and Gato slept all day waiting for me to get home from work.
I spent a good 3 months on the couch, I had lost my job too. Then I moved into my spare bedroom for the rest of the time. It was crippling for me to even walk into the main bedroom.
When I first got my boy's ashes back I put him in the living room by the couch, not for long though, I had to put them in the bedroom because every time I looked at him it broke me up. I could not look at his pic's either, I put all my reminders in that room. But it didn't work... I remember talking to Ann about that...this was a huge thing that she helped me through, then I finally came to a place I could post Moose on my avatar...but that took awhile. Now I have his pic's but I can't look to long at them.
So I let the rental go...and now I would give anything to have my own home again and not have to stay with friends. I am ashamed of myself for going so far down and not being able to stop myself, I have never experienced grief like this.
I've had a rough week here, the fact of not being able to be there as he took his last breath will always haunt me, the time in his life he needed me most.
Do you have a spare bedroom? I found that it helped me and it was much better than that couch. I also changed the atmosphere as much as I could, like E-angel said. I went through my house and got rid of so much...I let go of material things that I had held onto so tight...this was a deep lesson for me as far as changing my priorities.
I am learning to let go...because it is the wrong kind of treasures to store up (materially speaking) I still have to work on letting go of the spirit of My Moose, I haven't come to that place yet. I just want to encourage you to hang in there, and hopefully that room will become a place of solace for you and you will be able to embrace the memory, that is my wish for you........and me. Pamela