Tears Soaked My Pillow, Crying All Night Options

[Ann H]

Just when I think I am doing so well terrible waves of sadness have overtaken me. I have been awake crying most of the night from missing my girls. It hasn't been this bad for me in a while now. The night has been so long and lonely and some kind of empty feeling has washed over me and has ripped the scars off my heart again.

Ok if I want to be truthful I looked at all the pictures of my little Snookie while she was so sick and dying and some of her after she had passed away. I don't know why I do that to myself it just causes me more pain. I have been strong and stayed away from them since my one post confessing what I was doing.

I just feel so empty, broken, so lost, and in so much pain today. All of the wonderful memories have been going through my mind. It seems to hurt my heart even more when I think of the blessing I have had and all I have lost. I feel so weak in my spirit, my heart screams I can't go on, the pain is to bad. Yet I know for the family I have to go on but I am so weary.

I held my Snookie's urn and hugged and kissed it, and today I may go fling myself on Chili Bean's grave. I have tried so hard to let joy come back into my life but today it seems to have escaped me. My heart and soul and tears have given way to the pain and sorrow of missing my wonderful darling girls.
Ann

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[Kristie]

Ann,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling so sad again.

I fully understand your need to keep looking at the pictures of Snookie when she was so sick and after she had died but I really don't think that in doing so you allowing yourself to heal. I look at pictures of Kasha all the time and I can see the sickness in her in pictures taken over the last few years but beyond that I just see my beautiful girl. I don't have any pictures of her after she died (I didn't even want to look at her dead body when we left the vet). I know that if I had taken some photos I would have looked at them often and would have been focusing on her death...not her life. Don't torture yourself with sweet Snookie's death Ann, try to remember her alive, even if it hurts.

I don't think of Kash as being dead. Her body is dead and no longer of use to her but she is still 'alive' in my heart. I do visit her grave often but when I'm standing there looking at the displaced dirt I can imagine her beautiful body down there, heart no longer beating, but it doesn't make me sad. Kasha's actual death represents to me the moment that she was set free. Free of pain and illness and the hardships that come with old age. It was like a re-birth for her....truth be told, as much as I miss her and as much as it hurts to not have her in my life anymore, I'm happy for her. Young, healthy, and free....waiting at rainbow's bridge for me. It brings me peace.

I hope you can find some peace soon Dear Ann,

Big hugs,
Kristie

(In the following post I address Romeo's daddy...I did not intend to speak for you and I'm sorry if you are offended in any way by my reply Ann but I felt I needed to say something, not only in your defense but in general.)