I Had To Let Her Go Options

[Golden327]

Last night, after my cat had stopped eating for a few days, I decided to take her to the vet. She refused to eat anything I put in front of her, even a piece of turkey which a week before she would have begged me for. When I took her in, it was evident that it was over. She had kidney failure and heart disease. She couldn't make it anymore.
My poor Butterscotch. It's the hardest thing I ever had to do, handing her to the vet and saying goodbye. Mentally she was still there and I just ache wondering whether she knew what was happening. I just hope she wasn't angry at me for taking her there. She was just in too much pain.
I've had her since I was six, since first grade. I'm 24 now and she's been with me for every important thing I've ever went through. Every memory I have, includes her. I don't know how to get through this. I cry so much because everywhere I look reminds me of her. Every sound I hear, I look, thinking it's her.
We have a golden Retriever also, and i feel that she is confused. She wants to know where her buddy of 13 years is.
My kitty gave me so much joy over the years and I love her so much. I found this site while I was crying tonight. I've lost a pet before, but never one who I had been through so much with. She was always there when I came home, and always crawling on my lap when I needed her. I miss her warmth.
One of the hardest things is that the man that I am in love with is allergic to cats. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to fill the void that she left behind. Not that I would want to replace her.... but it's hard, when I'm such a cat person.

[Golden327]

Audrey, i was reading what you wrote in your other post about your sweet dogs. So much of it is what I'm feeling. I was sitting in class today, and looked down at the jeans I wore when I took her to the vet on saturday. Her nails were somewhat long and had pulled on a few threads on my jeans. Then my sweatshirt had a few of her hairs on it just from being around the house. I didn't want to pull them off. So many times I brushed her and was covered in her hair. The night at the vet, i was wearing a fleece. When the vet took her the last time, she said "oh, now you're covered in hair" and all I could think was "I wish it could stay that way" I wish that I could have the trouble of dealing with her hair on me for years more. But I knew this would be the last time. Growing up I could never have a dark coat or fleece because it would be covered. For work my uniform is black pants and when I came home, if I didn't change right away, I didn't want Butterscotch jumping on my lap because I'd be covered in her hair. I would give anything for those chances again, to have her climb on my lap and sit there.
There were times I was watching tv, and she would crawl on my stomach and stretch her paws out above my shoulder, or she would nudge her chin under mine. I felt as much like a mother then as I ever have in my life(no children yet).
I think that my favorite thing about my kitty was our special hello. I would kiss her forehead when she was on my lap, then she would lean her head up and lick my forehead. It was our special little exchange. The last thing I did was kiss her on the forehead. She was too weak to really kiss me back.... but I hope she knew that it was what I always cherished about her.
It's still hard. I had to go and coach today. I coach a JV(sophomores in high school) softball team at a local high school. The varsity coach is a big animal lover (3 cats and 3 dogs) and she asked me if I was alright because she sensed something was up. I tried to tell her but just started crying again, even though i thought I was alright. One of the girls on varsity gave me a hug too. I tried to focus on softball, but it's still really hard.
Our Golden Retriever is doing better. She seems alright. I broke down crying to her earlier and she got up and stood near me. Then when I went and sat on the couch, she layed on the floor below me, but kept her head up on the couch looking at me, letting me know she was there for me.
I know you all mention a sign from your pets saying that they are alright. I'm not sure what to look for. I heard her collar jingle today. it took me a second before I realized that it couldn't have been her.

I'm so glad that I found this site. It's easier for me to get my grief out. My boyfriend and mom have been great, but I don't want to wear them down that much.
I spent today looking through old photo albums and pulling out pictures from when I was younger. I have a couple of us throughout the years, and some cute ones of her as a kitten. I think I'm going to scan them in and maybe make a memorial website. Something to express my love and make some sort of memory for her. It's the only thing I can think of. I see the pictures and I reach out to them wanting to touch her one more time, wanting to hold her, and rub her belly(I was the only one she allowed to do this).
I know I'll get better... it just hurts a lot now. I think I am going to the humane society tomorrow or the next day and take in her leftover bag of purina food and two litter boxes of hers that are only a couple of months old. I also want to go in and see the other cats there. Something tells me in my heart that it will make me feel better. I'm not sure if it will be good for me or not. I can't take another one home, but I think just holding a cat will help me a little bit. Regardless though I don't want to just throw her stuff away. I'd prefer it to go to good use for someone starting off that wonderful relationship.

People tell me that cats are unloving and they don't understand them. I think you have to have a cat to know what it's like. To know the love they really do hold. Cats are such amazing creatures. My butterscotch always knew what to do for me.

My Top Ten memories of Butterscotch(at least for today)
1. The way she used to crawl under my sheets and bite my toes and I had to sleep while holding my sheets down
2. How she used to paw at Mario and Luigi on the TV screen when she was a kitten
3. The way she would wake me up by laying down right in front of my face
4. The way she would greet us at the door when we got home
5. How she would climb onto the small of my back when I was slept. She always just felt so warm and soothing
6. The playful banter she always had with all three of our golden retrievers throughout the years. She let them know who was boss
7. The way she would lay between our old Golden's paws and bathe her
8. How when I got her as a christmas present, she jumped right out of the box and into my lap
9. The feeling I got when I was so upset, and she would crawl onto my stomach and nuzzle me
10. her jumping at a bat that invaded our house just last summer.

There are so many more memories. But those are the first ten that came to memory. I love her so much. That will always be in present tense.

thanks for listening...
Kendra

Here's a picture of our Golden Cinnamon,and my sweet Butterscotch, warming themselves by our gas fireplace.

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