My Jazzygirl Options

[Jazzygirl]

Hello everyone. My name is Audrey and I'm new here.
It's taken a lot of courage to post here...but I feel so lost that I need somewhere to turn. I've read some posts here and everyone seems so supportive.
I lost my German Shorthaired Pointer, Jasmine, on Monday night. She was going to be 10 yrs old next month. I can't believe it's only 4 days...it seems like an eternity ago...and eternity of hell. She died suddenly and unexpectedly, with no previous signs of anything wrong.
One minute she was fine, the next she was not. She was breathing funny and just didnt' look right. I think we all as pet-owner know when our children aren't feeling well. Not sure what was going on, I tried to confort her. She allowed me to, and then tried to go off in the corner. Then she started pacing the house and within minutes, starting losing her balance. It was then I knew I had to rush her to emergency vet. In less than 5 min we were carrying her into the car. I have another pointer, a male, Bailey, who is going to be 8 yrs old. I took him with us because he was so confused and knew something was wrong. Luckily I have a male roommate so he was able to carry Jasmine for me. The ride to the vet was maybe 12 minutes. As we pulled up, she lost consciousness. We grabbed her and ran into the hospital. They immediately took her and whisked her into the ER. The last image I have is her head falling to the side in the vet tech's arms. I had no idea she had just stopped breathing. The next thing I knew, they were telling me they had the crash cart out and were trying to start her heart again. They asked me how far I wanted them to go. Need I say I was in complete shock!!?? How can I tell them to crack her chest open to try to get her heart beating again, when no one knows what's wrong??? So I held off on the decision.
About 10 min later, the vet came out. From the look on her face, I knew. She told me that they had a breathing tube in her, and they had been trying to start her heart, but couldn't get a steady beat. She advised me that given her experiece, and Jasmine's symptoms, she strongly believed that she had a hidden tumor that had broken free and caused organ failure and possibly even a blood clot. She said that cracking her open really wouldn't do anything. So I had to give her permission to stop working on Jasmine. It was at that moment that my world shattered.
The vet came back in shortly after and told me she took the liberty of taking a fluid sample from Jasmine's abdominal area. There was free blood....a confirmation that she had organ failure. The reason she lost her balance back at the house was because her blood pressure was crashing. I thanked her for doing all she could. I called my boyfriend and he immediately drove up to the hospital. There was no time to call him before. My roommate had Bailey in the waiting area and he was whining and crying, very confused.
When I was ready, they brought her out. It was the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. She looked like she was sleeping....yet in some respects it wasn't her. I could tell her spirit was gone. We all spent time with her, though I opted to keep Bailey out of the room. I felt it would upset him to see her.
So there's my story......my baby girl is gone. I never got a chance to say goodbye to her when she was still alive.
The vet told me that it was a blessing in disguise. Many pet owners who find out their pets have cancer have to make hard decisions....and Jasmine spared me of that. I'm trying to be grateful but it's so hard. I'm also trying to be grateful that I was home when it happened. I don't think I could have forgiven myself if it happened while I was at work.
The past 4 days have been a nightmare. I took the week off from work. I'm a teacher and I just couldn't stand the thought of trying to put on a happy face for my students. I cant' even imagine going back on Monday, to tell you the truth. I had to call the crematory on Tues to arrange for them to pick her up. I got the paperwork yesterday and sent it back to them today....approving the cremation and picking out an urn. Yesterday I didn't cry much...I thought I was doing better....today I'm in a black hole. Im' trying to be strong for Bailey...he's such a baby as it is. He's never been without Jasmine. I left him alone today for the first time for a couple of hours. He seemed to do okay. I'm worried about him though. I know he's picking up on my sadness. I cried for hours in bed today. I feel like I will never get out of it.
I got Jasmine right after I got out of college. I did have a childhood dog and I mourned her passing while I was in college...but Jasmine was "my" dog. We've been through so much together. She was my girl, my girlfriend, my baby, my love. I can't see getting on without her. I can't believe she left me and Bailey. All around the house, I have 2 of everything...and now only one dog. I feel sick all the time. I can barely eat. When I do, I feel even worse. I went from not sleeping, to sleeping too much. It's my hope that coming here will help. I wish I could find group support in my area...north of Boston. Either that, or I think I might need some counseling.
Thanks in advance for listening everyone.

[Jazzygirl]

Four weeks ago, I lost my love, my babygirl. She was the best of me and I can't believe it's been a month. I tried to picture her today: running, looking at me with her inquisitive face (see pic under my name). I remembered how soft her ears were, and how she would mush her face into my chest when she wanted her neck massaged. It hit me all over again that I will never touch her again, nor will I see her intense facial expressions.
I just got back from Bailey's annual vet visit. It was harder than I thought it would be. Walking in there without Jasmine for the first time, I started crying in the waiting area. When my vet came into the exam room, he took the time to discuss what had happened to Jasmine, and confirmed that yes, it definitely was a hidden tumor on her spleen or liver that suddenly burst. He said it was quite common and there was nothing I could have done. He was very compassionate about how hard it is to lose them so fast, but also tried to help me be glad that she did not suffer. He said that when something like that happens, they don't suffer, they just get disoriented and sleepy...and that's what happened. Although I know she was a little scared, I can only hope that my touch and words brought her some comfort before we left the house. I am only sorry that I was driving during her last moments. I am sorry, Jazzy, that I wasn't holding you.
Bailey's check-up was fine. He has 2 small fatty lumps. Jasmine had them too but they're non-harmful. The biopsy came back as all fatty tissue. So that's a relief.
I took Bailey to the park earlier today. I'm trying to get him to play with other dogs and be a dog again. He played some, but he always looked at me like "Is it okay, mom, that I play?" Hopefully with time he'll play more.

I don't have any other pics scanned of Jasmine but I'll try soon. I have to find her puppy pics and any others I took along the way. How I wish I took more, especially of me and her. I hardly have any. Today at the park I took some of Bailey running around. I don't want to make that mistake again.

Jasmine was born on April 24, 1995. I got her in Sept. 1995, Labor Day weekend. I had just graduated college and I was working at a pet store until I could find a more permanent job....and that's where I met her. She was 4 months old. Something about her immediately caught me. She would stare at me whenever I was near her. I read up on GSP's and realized I would have my hands full. But I told my mom (whom I was living with at the time) that there was something about this dog. So, I got her.
She was immediately a handful. She would race around the house, tearing up things. I didn't originally crate her and what a mistake that was! Over the course of a few months she tore apart a couch, and chewed the molding off 2 walls/doorways! She was crazy! So I started to crate her and she was much better. I took her to obedience school and decided to train her for competition. We trained for a year and she did many shows. She never got a title though because this dog was STUBBORN. She would never do the recall in the ring (come to me). That is an automatic disqualification! So after months of this, I gave it up. It was too costly, both emotionally and financially. But Jasmine's advanced training always made a difference. When she aged a bit, she was well mannered whenever we went somewhere. And it helped to influence Bailey, whom we got 2 yrs later. The only title she was able to get was the Canine Good Citizen one. Now, this is ironic because Jasmine was so NOT well-behaved when no one was home. Even up until the day she died, I would come home to find paper or whatever all over the house that she stole from the trash. This dog was sneaky. Sometimes she would do it when I was home, just to show me she could.
When I tell you this dog was SMART, I do not exaggerate. Jasmine understood the word "revenge". If I did something she didn't like, she would get back at me somehow. She had the ability to pick-pocket, she could distract you enough so that then she would go and steal whatever she had her mind set on. Many people don't believe me when I tell tales of her, but it's TRUE. So you see, I always had to stay one step ahead of my dog. LOL Needless to say, while I loved her with all my soul, she also tired me out. It was like having a toddler. Whenever I was leaving, I would have to make sure anything on the end tables was put up higher. She loved to chew pens, go figure. I couldn't leave anything out.
Bailey is the opposite...he never touches ANYTHING. Amazing how a breed has certain characteristics, but also can vary so much. Bailey is a piece of cake compared to her.
Jasmine was affectionate when SHE wanted to be. If she wanted to be pet, she would come to you, and then demand it. If you started to scratch her chest (her favorite), and you stopped, she would grab your hand with her paw and put it back. She would also give you this look like "well???"
I could go on forever but I think you get the point. She was spoiled, and she acted it. My sister always said that she has never seen a dog that has facial expressions like Jasmine. She said that when Jasmine looked at you, she looked through you down to your soul. She even had some of MY expressions. Like when I said "Wanna go bye-byes?" I would look at her with my eyes wide and eyebrows raised, like I was excited. She would do it back to me. It always made me laugh.
One of my favorite stories of Jasmine is the one I put in another part of this forum. She loved butternut squash. I have no idea why but she did. So you can imagine at Thanksgiving time or in the Fall, she would go nuts. Well, one December, after Thanksgiving, my mom had made it fresh. She threw out the rinds and put them in the trash, and then put it outside. We got a blizzard the next 2 days and with the snow drifts it was 3 feet in some places...including over the trash. Jasmine walked off the porch onto the snow drift and DUG through the snow, ripped open the bag and grabbed the rinds. We didn't realize it until she came in and spit out the rind. UNREAL!
That Thanksgiving actually, she snuck up on the counter, and started to eat my mom's blueberry pie. We moved it to the laundry room off the kitchen and she snuck in there and did it again! So now I had a pie with a hole in the middle!! My sister loves blueberry pie so I had to make up a lie and say that something fell onto it and made the hole!!! LOL
Then after we were eating the pie, my neice left her seat and had left a little pie on her plate. Next thing we know, Jasmine hops up on the chair and starts chowing down on the rest of the pie!!! I was mortified! My sister quickly realized the "lie" and flipped out. LOL!!! Oh well!!
Well, I suppose that's enough for now. I'll post more as I think of things and/or as I find my pics.
Thanks for reading everyone!

PS. I do have more to write about, pertaining to some recent feelings about getting another dog, but I'll hold off for now.