Here At Work With A Hollow Heart, Loss and Recovery Options

[luv_my_catz]

This is the 2nd week back to work ~ I worked Monday and Tuesday and now will be here Friday - Saturday and Sunday ~ These days I find I am moving from one safe place to the next ~ I see my life and jumping off into the unknown until I can race home again and find the safety of my couch and quilt and remaining Angora ~ C.C. ~ I am lost in my world ~ trying to be so brave and knowing that I must be ~ however I am just so sad and disconnected from things ~ I do not feel like I am the same person any more ~ In fact I must be reborn to a new life ~ one without my sweet Amber in it ~ so simple a concept yet so difficult because there are complexities such as my spirit and soul and empty spaces and shadowed crevices that loom where there used to be light and dancing ~ I realize that I was innocent in my joy like a child with hope in the magic of an uncast future ~ I want that back ~ but today I am using all my energy to steel myself against the pain and sadness I feel so that I can somehow function in the Corporate Environment and "pull it off" ~ those of you who work in a corporate setting know what I mean ~ I am hoping that the gift I will find here is to see with new clarity the path my life is taking and ultimately make the changes I need to feel like a whole person again ~ Ambie was my buffer ~ she is not here physically to dance away my discomfort or be my reassurance as she slept peacefully on her pillow in the sun purring and snoring at the same time ~ Life was good ~ I need to find her again somehow ~ and I know when I find Amber's essence once again I will be able to move on to the next place ~ I hope this does not sound crazy ~ this is such a strange and unfamiliar place for me to be ~ Any thoughts would be appreciated ~ Thanks so much and Peace to All ~ Kathryn

[Rusty's Mom]

Dear Kathryn,

Thinking of you and wishing soon that you can find a peaceful place. I was thinking today that I'm not the same person I was on December 7, 2004. (Rusty left me on the 8th.) I know I will never be that person again. It's just something I have accepted and have learned to deal with, not happily, but deal with just the same. I have wonderfully supportive family (human and fur/feathered) and friends but when Rusty died, I felt a sadness like no other in my life and that hollow feeling remains. I don't mind being at work. The time goes by so quickly and does give me something else to focus on.

I've moved some of the furniture around in the rooms where Rusty spent most of his time. Since he isn't in those rooms anymore, I didn't want them to look the same as when he was there. Maybe it doesn't make any sense but I did feel a little better after doing that.

So, try to hang in there. Twenty years is such a long time........It's so hard to deal with the fact that we can't see our fur friends in the physical sense anymore. We can't bring our beloved pets back. We have to adjust to our lives without them.

Take care,

Hugs,
Lynn