My Jazzygirl Options

[Jazzygirl]

Hello everyone. My name is Audrey and I'm new here.
It's taken a lot of courage to post here...but I feel so lost that I need somewhere to turn. I've read some posts here and everyone seems so supportive.
I lost my German Shorthaired Pointer, Jasmine, on Monday night. She was going to be 10 yrs old next month. I can't believe it's only 4 days...it seems like an eternity ago...and eternity of hell. She died suddenly and unexpectedly, with no previous signs of anything wrong.
One minute she was fine, the next she was not. She was breathing funny and just didnt' look right. I think we all as pet-owner know when our children aren't feeling well. Not sure what was going on, I tried to confort her. She allowed me to, and then tried to go off in the corner. Then she started pacing the house and within minutes, starting losing her balance. It was then I knew I had to rush her to emergency vet. In less than 5 min we were carrying her into the car. I have another pointer, a male, Bailey, who is going to be 8 yrs old. I took him with us because he was so confused and knew something was wrong. Luckily I have a male roommate so he was able to carry Jasmine for me. The ride to the vet was maybe 12 minutes. As we pulled up, she lost consciousness. We grabbed her and ran into the hospital. They immediately took her and whisked her into the ER. The last image I have is her head falling to the side in the vet tech's arms. I had no idea she had just stopped breathing. The next thing I knew, they were telling me they had the crash cart out and were trying to start her heart again. They asked me how far I wanted them to go. Need I say I was in complete shock!!?? How can I tell them to crack her chest open to try to get her heart beating again, when no one knows what's wrong??? So I held off on the decision.
About 10 min later, the vet came out. From the look on her face, I knew. She told me that they had a breathing tube in her, and they had been trying to start her heart, but couldn't get a steady beat. She advised me that given her experiece, and Jasmine's symptoms, she strongly believed that she had a hidden tumor that had broken free and caused organ failure and possibly even a blood clot. She said that cracking her open really wouldn't do anything. So I had to give her permission to stop working on Jasmine. It was at that moment that my world shattered.
The vet came back in shortly after and told me she took the liberty of taking a fluid sample from Jasmine's abdominal area. There was free blood....a confirmation that she had organ failure. The reason she lost her balance back at the house was because her blood pressure was crashing. I thanked her for doing all she could. I called my boyfriend and he immediately drove up to the hospital. There was no time to call him before. My roommate had Bailey in the waiting area and he was whining and crying, very confused.
When I was ready, they brought her out. It was the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. She looked like she was sleeping....yet in some respects it wasn't her. I could tell her spirit was gone. We all spent time with her, though I opted to keep Bailey out of the room. I felt it would upset him to see her.
So there's my story......my baby girl is gone. I never got a chance to say goodbye to her when she was still alive.
The vet told me that it was a blessing in disguise. Many pet owners who find out their pets have cancer have to make hard decisions....and Jasmine spared me of that. I'm trying to be grateful but it's so hard. I'm also trying to be grateful that I was home when it happened. I don't think I could have forgiven myself if it happened while I was at work.
The past 4 days have been a nightmare. I took the week off from work. I'm a teacher and I just couldn't stand the thought of trying to put on a happy face for my students. I cant' even imagine going back on Monday, to tell you the truth. I had to call the crematory on Tues to arrange for them to pick her up. I got the paperwork yesterday and sent it back to them today....approving the cremation and picking out an urn. Yesterday I didn't cry much...I thought I was doing better....today I'm in a black hole. Im' trying to be strong for Bailey...he's such a baby as it is. He's never been without Jasmine. I left him alone today for the first time for a couple of hours. He seemed to do okay. I'm worried about him though. I know he's picking up on my sadness. I cried for hours in bed today. I feel like I will never get out of it.
I got Jasmine right after I got out of college. I did have a childhood dog and I mourned her passing while I was in college...but Jasmine was "my" dog. We've been through so much together. She was my girl, my girlfriend, my baby, my love. I can't see getting on without her. I can't believe she left me and Bailey. All around the house, I have 2 of everything...and now only one dog. I feel sick all the time. I can barely eat. When I do, I feel even worse. I went from not sleeping, to sleeping too much. It's my hope that coming here will help. I wish I could find group support in my area...north of Boston. Either that, or I think I might need some counseling.
Thanks in advance for listening everyone.

[BabyHannahsMom]

Hi Audrey --
It's like that . . . one minute feeling sort of okay and then . . . all of a sudden . . . the bottom falls out and you fall to pieces all over again. I still do it sometimes almost one year later. So, I've been on this site for almost a year now, and it's pretty much been the same for almost all of us. Hang in there, sweetie. You have a very long way to go and many more tears to cry, I expect -- but things will get better gradually. It won't always, continuously feel so unbearable.

By the way, I did pretty much pack Maggie (the poodle) up that night and was going to take her to some friends or something, but I realized that she didn't mean to kill my precious little bird. I blamed myself, of course -- I was right there in the next room trying to find a poem to post for Hannah's 3-month anniversary. Babe was singing one minute on top of his cage, which I had placed high up in the center of a table -- the next minute he was screaming . . . Maggie didn't understand what she had done. When I adopted Maggie, I felt so sad for her. I told her I knew she had lost someone she loved and that I had too. So . . . yes, now I do love little Maggie. She's a good little dog, really. She just can't be around birds!

I adopted a little feral cat a few months ago too. They are wonderful to have, and they both welcomed me today when I got home. No one will ever take the place of my tiny little Hannah girl though -- not ever -- but there are so many little animals out there who need love and good homes. So I want to do my part and try to help and, of course, they do help me too. It's awfully lonely without my Hannah, but it would be even worse if I didn't have Maggie and Sophie, even though still I hardly ever look at them or touch them without thinking of Hannah. They are a constant reminder of the precious little girl that is no longer in this world with me. I sometimes slip and call Maggie Hannah too and I actually have called Sophie "Phoebe," who was my kitty and Hannah's kitty who lived to be 17.

I am glad things went well at school today. I know this is a really rough night for you. I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts. -- I'm really looking forward to seeing the photos of your baby!
Love,
Marcia