My Jazzygirl Options

[Jazzygirl]

Hello everyone. My name is Audrey and I'm new here.
It's taken a lot of courage to post here...but I feel so lost that I need somewhere to turn. I've read some posts here and everyone seems so supportive.
I lost my German Shorthaired Pointer, Jasmine, on Monday night. She was going to be 10 yrs old next month. I can't believe it's only 4 days...it seems like an eternity ago...and eternity of hell. She died suddenly and unexpectedly, with no previous signs of anything wrong.
One minute she was fine, the next she was not. She was breathing funny and just didnt' look right. I think we all as pet-owner know when our children aren't feeling well. Not sure what was going on, I tried to confort her. She allowed me to, and then tried to go off in the corner. Then she started pacing the house and within minutes, starting losing her balance. It was then I knew I had to rush her to emergency vet. In less than 5 min we were carrying her into the car. I have another pointer, a male, Bailey, who is going to be 8 yrs old. I took him with us because he was so confused and knew something was wrong. Luckily I have a male roommate so he was able to carry Jasmine for me. The ride to the vet was maybe 12 minutes. As we pulled up, she lost consciousness. We grabbed her and ran into the hospital. They immediately took her and whisked her into the ER. The last image I have is her head falling to the side in the vet tech's arms. I had no idea she had just stopped breathing. The next thing I knew, they were telling me they had the crash cart out and were trying to start her heart again. They asked me how far I wanted them to go. Need I say I was in complete shock!!?? How can I tell them to crack her chest open to try to get her heart beating again, when no one knows what's wrong??? So I held off on the decision.
About 10 min later, the vet came out. From the look on her face, I knew. She told me that they had a breathing tube in her, and they had been trying to start her heart, but couldn't get a steady beat. She advised me that given her experiece, and Jasmine's symptoms, she strongly believed that she had a hidden tumor that had broken free and caused organ failure and possibly even a blood clot. She said that cracking her open really wouldn't do anything. So I had to give her permission to stop working on Jasmine. It was at that moment that my world shattered.
The vet came back in shortly after and told me she took the liberty of taking a fluid sample from Jasmine's abdominal area. There was free blood....a confirmation that she had organ failure. The reason she lost her balance back at the house was because her blood pressure was crashing. I thanked her for doing all she could. I called my boyfriend and he immediately drove up to the hospital. There was no time to call him before. My roommate had Bailey in the waiting area and he was whining and crying, very confused.
When I was ready, they brought her out. It was the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. She looked like she was sleeping....yet in some respects it wasn't her. I could tell her spirit was gone. We all spent time with her, though I opted to keep Bailey out of the room. I felt it would upset him to see her.
So there's my story......my baby girl is gone. I never got a chance to say goodbye to her when she was still alive.
The vet told me that it was a blessing in disguise. Many pet owners who find out their pets have cancer have to make hard decisions....and Jasmine spared me of that. I'm trying to be grateful but it's so hard. I'm also trying to be grateful that I was home when it happened. I don't think I could have forgiven myself if it happened while I was at work.
The past 4 days have been a nightmare. I took the week off from work. I'm a teacher and I just couldn't stand the thought of trying to put on a happy face for my students. I cant' even imagine going back on Monday, to tell you the truth. I had to call the crematory on Tues to arrange for them to pick her up. I got the paperwork yesterday and sent it back to them today....approving the cremation and picking out an urn. Yesterday I didn't cry much...I thought I was doing better....today I'm in a black hole. Im' trying to be strong for Bailey...he's such a baby as it is. He's never been without Jasmine. I left him alone today for the first time for a couple of hours. He seemed to do okay. I'm worried about him though. I know he's picking up on my sadness. I cried for hours in bed today. I feel like I will never get out of it.
I got Jasmine right after I got out of college. I did have a childhood dog and I mourned her passing while I was in college...but Jasmine was "my" dog. We've been through so much together. She was my girl, my girlfriend, my baby, my love. I can't see getting on without her. I can't believe she left me and Bailey. All around the house, I have 2 of everything...and now only one dog. I feel sick all the time. I can barely eat. When I do, I feel even worse. I went from not sleeping, to sleeping too much. It's my hope that coming here will help. I wish I could find group support in my area...north of Boston. Either that, or I think I might need some counseling.
Thanks in advance for listening everyone.

[BabyHannahsMom]

Dear Audrey,
I am so sorry to hear of the sudden loss of your baby Jasmine. I had my little girl Hannah put to sleep almost one year ago, and the pain and missing her still overwhelm me at times. There is never a good way to lose them, no easy way to let go, I know. Just remember that Jasmine had a beautiful life with you, and you were so lucky to have each other. Jasmine was loved and when you think of that, I hope it will bring you some peace and comfort, although I understand totally that is almost impossible to come by for any length of time.

I am glad you seem to have some support with your boyfriend and some of the other people in your life -- and that you have Bailey. I had a little bird named Babe too, but after Hannah died, I just missed Hannah so and I was so despondent -- I thought I would have lots of time with Babe, but then I adopted an 8-year old poodle from the shelter three months after Hannah's death, and the poodle killed my little bird. It certainly reminded me that we must love those who are still in our lives while we can. So, now I still have the poodle and a little kitty, but often I find myself still missing little Hannah so much that I don't feel like I appreciate them enough even now. It's so darned hard sometimes, I know. It takes time, but things will get better.

Try to take care of yourself and keep coming here and talking about your feelings. We've all been there and I know there are others here on this board now who are right where you are -- in the very beginning of this sad, sad, sad journey. I don't come on the site so much anymore. It just brings all of the pain and the memory of Hannah's last day back to me and, of course, my heart just breaks for everyone when I read their stories and SO understand the feelings.

I am sorry you didn't get good pictures of you and Jasmine, but happy you got their Xmas pictures. For SIXTEEN years, I meant to get Hannah's Xmas picture taken with Santa, and I NEVER did. That just makes me so sad. Every year, I'd see the sign or read an ad about the photos with Santa, and I would think, "I better do it this year. It might be the last time I'll be able to" -- but I never did.

Oh, I put my clothes, the blanket I took Hannah to the vet on and some other things from that day and put them into plastic bags where they still are. I also had a cashmere coat from the week before that has some little saliva (sp?) marks from Hannah on it, and I will never wear that coat again because I do not want to have it cleaned, ever. And the sleeping not at all, or too much, and the not eating, I can certainly relate. I also met with a couple of counselors too. It helped some, but I so wish we had a support group in this area. I hope you find one there. Muffins/Denise may know if there's a group up that way. When you do "clean up" the hair, try to save enough of it to put in a locket or something.

Keep coming here and reading the old posts. That really helped me a lot and, of course, everyone here is so understanding, so kind and it's really pretty incredible to see that there are so many people who do understand and care.
You and Bailey and Jasmine will be in my prayers tonight.
Love,
Marcia