Why Is This So Hard?, my heart hurts so much Options

[Amber]

hello everyone and thank you for understanding my need to be away for a few days. just when i thought my depression was letting up it hit me right in the face again. i needed to come back and talk, i know it will make me feel better. i was doing so well. i could talk about kitty all i wanted and i would remember all the great moments that we had together and then i started having dreams. i had 2 dreams that kitty came back from the grave and one that i failed to feed her and she starved to death. as i mentioned before, when i buried kitty i felt as if she wasn't dead, although i witnessed the plunger being pushed on the syringe at the vet. i know that she was so sick and i took away her pain by making that difficult decision and i thought i was ok with it but now i am hurting so much. i miss her so much - i miss holding her and petting her and her sweet meow. i feel like i'm losing my mind. i can still feel her in my arms. now when i think about her, i think about her lifeless body on the examining table at the vet or i see her when she was sick and couldn't eat or even walk. i don't want to remember my sweet kitty that way - i want to remember her before she lost all of the weight - when she was fat and playing with the water in the bathroom sink. i love her so much - i want her back. ah

[Amber]

thanks so much susie, marcia, jules, and ann for your kind words. they do help. i have good days and i have bad ones - like everyone else i suppose. i have a picture of kitty at work and i try to look at it and think of her but it makes me cry sometimes so i have found myself avoiding the picture - and that makes me feel guilty. i don't want to forget my kitty but thinking of her hurts so much. so everyday when i am laying in bed i think of her and sob. i cry myself to sleep. i think that may be why i am having dreams of her - because she is the last thing on my mind before i drift off. i don't mind dreaming of her - i would rather the dreams be more positive, though. she was so, so special and i miss her so much. what hurts the most is when i come home and expect her to greet me at the door - then i realize that that will never, ever happen again. it crushes me. thanks again guys, ah