Why Is This So Hard?, my heart hurts so much Options

[Amber]

hello everyone and thank you for understanding my need to be away for a few days. just when i thought my depression was letting up it hit me right in the face again. i needed to come back and talk, i know it will make me feel better. i was doing so well. i could talk about kitty all i wanted and i would remember all the great moments that we had together and then i started having dreams. i had 2 dreams that kitty came back from the grave and one that i failed to feed her and she starved to death. as i mentioned before, when i buried kitty i felt as if she wasn't dead, although i witnessed the plunger being pushed on the syringe at the vet. i know that she was so sick and i took away her pain by making that difficult decision and i thought i was ok with it but now i am hurting so much. i miss her so much - i miss holding her and petting her and her sweet meow. i feel like i'm losing my mind. i can still feel her in my arms. now when i think about her, i think about her lifeless body on the examining table at the vet or i see her when she was sick and couldn't eat or even walk. i don't want to remember my sweet kitty that way - i want to remember her before she lost all of the weight - when she was fat and playing with the water in the bathroom sink. i love her so much - i want her back. ah

[bluejules]

Ammy died 3 years ago. For 99% of the time I remember him as the beautiful, laid-back, friendly affectionate cat that he was. In darker moments I remember his last few days; my husband carrying him around the garden and showing him the flowers; the morning he couldn't walk to his food, and the last terrible day when I suddenly decided his time had come, bundled him into the car and took him to the vets, where a dreadful lo%% vet euthanased him. The way he appeared to struggle, and then became completely still.

When I think of this, I feel sick with guilt and sorrow. It's almost as if 16 years of happiness is eclipsed by a few terrible days. My heart aches in exactly the same way as it did the day he left us.

Ammy was cremated and his ashes interred in a beautiful pet cemetery on the Lancashire moorland. When I visit his grave, I get a calm feeling, and I can visualise the happy, laid-back Ammy, reassuring me. I know I should focus on remembering every wonderful moment of his life with us, and be grateful that we were blessed with such a wonderful cat.

I too had some terrible dreams - it's just an indicator of the guilt and worry that may still be there. But the reality is that we were both did the kindest and most loving thing for our babies.

About 15 years ago we took Ammy on holiday with us to North Wales. One day he escaped from the caravan park and we just couldn't find him. The holiday was ruined as I spent all my time walking around, calling him. But with no luck whatsoever.

We had to return home without our beloved Ammy. I was absolutely heartbroken, believing him to have been killed by a car or even a train.

2 weeks later I drove back to the caravan park - I had to look for him one last time. There was Ammy, sitting and waiting patiently. I was utterly overjoyed, I can't describe the intensity of feeling - it was fantastic, I cried and cried. We went on to have many happy times together.

And you know that we're going to experience that feeling again one day. Our arms ache to hold our pets, but reassured that one day it will happen.

In the meantime, we are all here for you.

Jules