The End To A Long Story Options

[Earl A.]

I wrote this site back in May 2005, after I lost my beloved Weimaraner 'Schatszie'. I lived alone then at 50, as I still do now, and still have a small business operation from my home. At ten years old Schatszie started having Liver issues, which then turned into kidney problems. Two days before I had the Vet put Schatszie to sleep, she had a major siezure.After rushing her to the Vet for treatment, she was revived but couldn't walk. It was a gut wrenching experience, but I got two more days with her, so that I could look her in the eyes to tell her I loved Her before she passed. After Schatszie passed, I swore I just couldn't get another friend, but after ~8 months, I woke up one day and decided to search for another Weim Puppy, which turned out to be dead ends every where I searched......no new or expected litters anywhere. Then, I got a lead, that a Very Reputable Weim Breeder here in Texas just had a litter and there were two pups remaing, unspoken for, and one was a female! I was so damn excited,......My pitiful loneliness would now be gone. After arriving at the breeder's home, I observed some of her other weims in her kennel. Something didn't seem right with their looks, as per what most standard Weims that I have had look like. We then proceeded to see my new puppy, 'Steffie'. We took her outside to let her run with another male adult dog, and I was sold......she had a feisty way about her,....not a quitter to the very end, as she kept trying to take the cloth toy from the other dog's mouth. 'Steffie' was a very healthy looking puppy. The first two years I had her, there were zero health issues. But when she was ~3 years old, she got a lower respiratory infection, contributed mostly by the exteme pine tree pollen in the air here in the spring. Well, the Vet got that corrected, but there would be another flareup of this respiratory problem later, got it fixed, then never had anymore issues of such. Then when she was ~3.5 years, she developed some small circular lesions on both eyes, and after tests were run, they found that her triglyceride levels were very high. The Vet or Tx A&M Vet Clinic could never pinpoint the cause of the high Triglycerides, and I had to start her on expensive prescription 'Low Digestive Fat' food, plus a precribed medication given daily the rest of her life. When Steffie was almost 6 years, one day I was going to give her some of my banana, but she looked the other way, as if her sight/hearing was malfunctioning. Prior to this, she showed no signs of any health issues. Being an emergency, I rushed her to Tx A&M Vet Clinic. After IV's and many, many tests, she regained her sight, etc., and then they gave me the bad news, that they found a UTI(I hadn't observed anything in her actions telling me of this), and that she was technically loosing protein in her urine. They then told me that it was Chronic Kidney Failure and it would shorten her life by months or years. My first thought upon hearing this.....This can't be! Steffie is my new life, my salvation! This simply can't be happening! That was the longest drive home that day I've ever made. I had to return to A&M for followup visits so that they could get the new dosages correct on her medications that she would have to take the rest of her life. I had the Vet put Steffie to sleep this November 17. Steffie survived this insidious disease for 3.5 years, having given her one medication three times per day, four other medications twice per day, then her vitamins. Steffie got so tired of taking pills, not to mention I had to administer them down her throat or mixing them in baby food fruit products with a 60ml syringe......twice/day for 3.5 years. In early October of this year, she started loosing weight, muscle. I knew the end was near, and all the rescue drugs were now not working.....she was entering the fourth stage of kidney failure. Yes, I had the Vet give IV's as well as I at home, as I witnessed seemingly daily the unbelievable weight loss. Her poor body was dwindling to nothing. At ~8 days prior to her passing, she developed a secondary infection in her upper respiratory, mainly in her throat, whereby there was green mucous emitting from her nostrils and somewhat at her eyes. The Vet put her on antibiotics, and at times, one would think that it kept the infection in check, but in the end it came back. In the last 48 hours of Steffie's life, I was in contact with my Vet, letting her lead the way as per when the time was right. Hours before the Vet came to my house, Steffie had lost the use of her legs, and I had to carry her outside to urinate, etc..

I'm writing this lengthy story for a reason. I want all those poor souls that have or are presently going through this, that 'I Understand'. I understand 1000%. No one else but your Vet will understand. You can't talk to anyone about it, unless they have BEEN THERE. I also wrote this lengthy story for those that live alone with such happening to them. Living alone and loosing your Best Friend is another world in itself.

A month later I find myself lost,.....Nothing has meaning or purpose anymore,....I'm not needed anymore. Yes, I'm fully aware that only time can heal such wounds, but this was a very deep wound this time, regardless of how many times I've previously gone through having your Best Friend put to sleep. But, then, I try to grasp ahold of the positives,.....Steffie lived another 3.5 years, my Father helped me through the financial strain of ~$8,000.00+ I spent in 7 years keeping Steffie Healthy/Alive,.......I was with Steffie 24/7,.....BUT, in the end, I realize how lucky I am to be able to bury her here on my property, and place a headstone on her grave.

In closing, Chronic Kidney Failure is absolutely an insidious disease that wears many hats. The desperate things you do towards the end, thinking you can buy time, etc., but knowing the clock is ticking so damn loud you become desperate, you'll do anything but sit there and let your Best Friend die. Looking back, I'm at peace knowing I was able to hold my Benevolent, Sweet Steffie, and look her in the eyes....."I Love You Steffie".

[moon_beam]

Hi, Earl, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Steffie. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Earl, as you already know so well this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It doesn't matter if it's our first experience or our thousandth - - each experience is unique because each relationship we have with each of our beloved companions is uniquely individual. Each experience happens at different times in our lives, and each new experience can once again arouse the memories of previous losses adding to the sorrow of the present grief adjustment journey.

Although you are now on a journey of adjusting to the physical absence of your beloved Steffie, there is one thing that will never change: the love bond you and your beloved Steffie, and Schatszie, share. Love is eternal, Earl - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Steffie's, and Schatszie's, sweet Living Spirits continue to share your earthly journey as they always have and always will - - for they are always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Earl - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow and emptiness that engulfs our hearts and lives coping with the "new reality" of adjusting to the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure - - the longing to hold our beloved companion "just one more time." Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey, and please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Steffie with us, Earl. Perhaps sometime you will share a picture of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Earl A.]

Hi, Earl, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Steffie. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Earl, as you already know so well this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It doesn't matter if it's our first experience or our thousandth - - each experience is unique because each relationship we have with each of our beloved companions is uniquely individual. Each experience happens at different times in our lives, and each new experience can once again arouse the memories of previous losses adding to the sorrow of the present grief adjustment journey.

Although you are now on a journey of adjusting to the physical absence of your beloved Steffie, there is one thing that will never change: the love bond you and your beloved Steffie, and Schatszie, share. Love is eternal, Earl - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Steffie's, and Schatszie's, sweet Living Spirits continue to share your earthly journey as they always have and always will - - for they are always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Earl - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow and emptiness that engulfs our hearts and lives coping with the "new reality" of adjusting to the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure - - the longing to hold our beloved companion "just one more time." Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey, and please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Steffie with us, Earl. Perhaps sometime you will share a picture of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Moon_Beam: I sincerely appreciate your very thoughtful and kind words. Yes, everyone's situation is unique. I just wanted those, that are going through the 'Chronic Kidney Failure' ordeal, to know that 'WE' are out there and 'KNOW' what you are dealing with. I've often said, "I don't know what is more insidious, CKF or ALZ. In my particular case, it became quite obvious that Steffie had genetically inherited issues. The luck of the draw when getting a new puppy. The past six years combined with the first three years of raising Steffie from a puppy, created a VERY, VERY strong bond between her and I. Consequently, I'm having a very hard time of 'Letting Go'. It's just all so sad, so very sad, that our beloved friends have such a short, short life span in considering all that they give and never complain, even when they feel terrible.

There is no doubt, that in this sick world in which we live, our beloved friends have and will always be the ONLY sane thing thing in one's life, and when they are gone, THEN one truly realizes this. It takes a lot of courage to get another friend after loosing one. In my case,....my age, etc., I really do not think I can go through this again. Sure, 'We all say this', only to adopt, etc., again. But, as aforementioned, that one's situation is always unique, my Heart & Soul went with Steffie
as well as with Schatszie. I tried again, but this wound will never heal.

I just wish the best to all those that are either getting ready to go through this, or are trying to find peace. It's just all so Very, Very Sad.

Thank You for letting me express myself.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can so understand what you share with us: "In my case,....my age, etc., I really do not think I can go through this again. But, as aforementioned, that one's situation is always unique, my Heart & Soul went with Steffie as well as with Schatszie."

I am a single retired senior citizen, and now have my sole surviving precious feline companion Noah with me. Since December 2006, we have endured the physical losses of three of our companions: My number one kitty son Eli joined the angels in December 2006 at 6 years of age due to end stage Lymphoma; in November 2009 my handsome Black Lab Oslo joined the angels at 15 years of age due to a sudden stroke; and March 2010 my beautiful feline baby girl - - and Noah's sibling sister - - Abbygayle joined the angels at 6 years of age due to end stage Fibrosarcoma. My precious Noah is 11 years old now and I treasure every moment of every day we have together. In September 2012 he required emergency surgery for what turned out to be a twisted intestine, and November 2013 he was diagnosed with diabetes. Several days after his diagnosis I nearly lost him due to a near fatal hypoglycemia event from the insulin injections. Fortunately the ER doctor was able to stabilize him and recommended to his regular veterinary care provider that she either keep him on the insulin without the diabetic food, or keep him on the diabetic food without insulin injections. I am very thankful he is doing very well on the low glucose maintenance food without the need for any injections. When Noah is no longer physically with me, I know I will not be able to embrace another companion into my home - - due to my age, physical challenges, and limited finances. So I do perfectly understand your decision, Earl - - because whatever decision you make is the RIGHT ONE for you.

The holidays can be difficult to endure particularly when the deep grief for the physical loss of a beloved companion is still very new. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers that you will feel your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's sweet Living Spirits comforting you, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[SummerHolly]

There is no doubt, that in this sick world in which we live, our beloved friends have and will always be the ONLY sane thing thing in one's life, and when they are gone, THEN one truly realizes this. It takes a lot of courage to get another friend after loosing one. In my case,....my age, etc., I really do not think I can go through this again. Sure, 'We all say this', only to adopt, etc., again. But, as aforementioned, that one's situation is always unique, my Heart & Soul went with Steffie
as well as with Schatszie. I tried again, but this wound will never heal.

I just wish the best to all those that are either getting ready to go through this, or are trying to find peace. It's just all so Very, Very Sad.

Thank You for letting me express myself.

Hi Earl, so sorry for the loss of your girl. I also recently lost my true heart dog and often feel that the pain will never end.
I can understand your sentiment about not being able to go through it again. I have a small team of working dogs to help me run my sheep farm and I love them all as they are also my companions in the house. However my HOlly was so special in her bond with me that even their love and kisses can't free me from the intense and endless feeling of loss over my special girl and I also know I will have to say goodbye to each of them one day.

Although I like to think of it that STeffie was also lucky to have found someone who cared so much for her and ensured her care. Holly too had to have several expensive surgeries and I often wonder what might have happened if she had ended up in the wrong home.
So although it hurts so much to lose them, it was also a life that you gave your STeffie that she may not have otherwise had. This is the thought that helps me to try and feel peace with my girl's loss.
My mother is 85 and also recently lost her special dog and with my encouragement has recently adopted an older dog from rescue. Although she still mourns her girl she is starting to find joy in the older girl she rescued.

Anyway sorry for your loss and both your girls had such a wonderful life and bond with you, that in its self was a gift although it does make the parting so hard, like a huge hole in your heart.

[Earl A.]

Hi Earl, so sorry for the loss of your girl. I also recently lost my true heart dog and often feel that the pain will never end.
I can understand your sentiment about not being able to go through it again. I have a small team of working dogs to help me run my sheep farm and I love them all as they are also my companions in the house. However my HOlly was so special in her bond with me that even their love and kisses can't free me from the intense and endless feeling of loss over my special girl and I also know I will have to say goodbye to each of them one day.

Although I like to think of it that STeffie was also lucky to have found someone who cared so much for her and ensured her care. Holly too had to have several expensive surgeries and I often wonder what might have happened if she had ended up in the wrong home.
So although it hurts so much to lose them, it was also a life that you gave your STeffie that she may not have otherwise had. This is the thought that helps me to try and feel peace with my girl's loss.
My mother is 85 and also recently lost her special dog and with my encouragement has recently adopted an older dog from rescue. Although she still mourns her girl she is starting to find joy in the older girl she rescued.

Anyway sorry for your loss and both your girls had such a wonderful life and bond with you, that in its self was a gift although it does make the parting so hard, like a huge hole in your heart.

Dear SummerHolly, I'm terribly sorry to hear of your recent loss of your beloved best friend. Whats left of my heart goes out to you, for I know you have apparently been bombarded with issues(with your Mother's dog, etc.) with abolutely bad timing. I sincerely appreciate you taking the time in writing me. Your writing, tells me we have much in common, we both would give our right arm, etc., if thats what it took to make our friend well again. Yes, you are right, I know that if I hadn't taken Steffie that day in 2005, irregardless of what I saw with some of the breeder's adult dogs, and Steffie's subsequent medical issues, that she probably wouldn't have lived as long as she did, due to the costs and the fact that I was here 24/7 with her, which is rare for most owners. Believe me, I have A LOT to be thankful for, for I know there is much pain out there of past and present, because the owner had to be at work and not able to take care with 24/7. Yes, I should be thankful that Steffie fought her ckf very hard and I never missed a day of administering her timely medications, but in the end, it doesn't matter if Steffie only lived to be only 9 yrs old, if our friends lived to see 3 or 15 yrs old, we all feel robbed. It doesn't matter how long we have had friends in our lives, knowing full well their life expectancy, we all fall into that trap expecting them to live forever. That trap is called a 'Bond'. That 'Bond' can inherently grow in strength via certain circumstances.

As I've always said, "The Greatest Crime Ever Committed, Was That Our Beloved Friends Weren't Granted A Longer Life Span."

Take care of yourself while you try to find peace. Finding peace is a personal mountain to climb, for as you know, you are only allowed to discuss such once or twice with other people, and after that, you would be deemed to be of need of professional help. Theres a very cruel world out there, and we are literally on our own as we attempt to blaze our way through this fog.

Regards,

Earl

[Earl A.]

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can so understand what you share with us: "In my case,....my age, etc., I really do not think I can go through this again. But, as aforementioned, that one's situation is always unique, my Heart & Soul went with Steffie as well as with Schatszie."

I am a single retired senior citizen, and now have my sole surviving precious feline companion Noah with me. Since December 2006, we have endured the physical losses of three of our companions: My number one kitty son Eli joined the angels in December 2006 at 6 years of age due to end stage Lymphoma; in November 2009 my handsome Black Lab Oslo joined the angels at 15 years of age due to a sudden stroke; and March 2010 my beautiful feline baby girl - - and Noah's sibling sister - - Abbygayle joined the angels at 6 years of age due to end stage Fibrosarcoma. My precious Noah is 11 years old now and I treasure every moment of every day we have together. In September 2012 he required emergency surgery for what turned out to be a twisted intestine, and November 2013 he was diagnosed with diabetes. Several days after his diagnosis I nearly lost him due to a near fatal hypoglycemia event from the insulin injections. Fortunately the ER doctor was able to stabilize him and recommended to his regular veterinary care provider that she either keep him on the insulin without the diabetic food, or keep him on the diabetic food without insulin injections. I am very thankful he is doing very well on the low glucose maintenance food without the need for any injections. When Noah is no longer physically with me, I know I will not be able to embrace another companion into my home - - due to my age, physical challenges, and limited finances. So I do perfectly understand your decision, Earl - - because whatever decision you make is the RIGHT ONE for you.

The holidays can be difficult to endure particularly when the deep grief for the physical loss of a beloved companion is still very new. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers that you will feel your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's sweet Living Spirits comforting you, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Moon_Beam, I'm basically speechless after reading what you have been through. You know that I understand your non-ending pain from the past, and now with your precious 'Noah'. I know you are taking it a day at a time and you are literally walking on pins and needles while you do your best for Noah. You Sir, are a Very, Very Strong person that one rarely meets. I am sincerely so damn sorry that you have had to go through all that you have. It's just not fair for any caring human to sustain such.

I don't know why that most bad things seemingly always happen during the holidays. For me, to constantly hear 'Merry Christmas' lately, or soon to be 'Happy New Year', it's almost toxic to my ears. I somehow 'fake it' in my response, but it has no meaning. Nothing has any meaning when you hurt so bad. Cooking meals for oneself has no meaning, other than the fact that you know you must eat. It's just all so sad.

When I rushed Steffie to the University Vet Clinic that day in 2011, that trip cost ~$3,000.00, but it saved/extended her life. They suggested to do a kidney biopsy for an additional $1,000.00, but I declined because it wouldn't have had any results to reverse CKD. Sir, I know that you have financially strained yourself with your beloved friends. I do not have many good things to say about our changed Veterinary Care as of late. They KNOW we love our animals to the nth degree and they will charge you anything via that weak link. My retired Vet would ALWAYS do the following things upon a wellness exam: Examine the mouth & teeth, Examine the ears AND CLEAN THEM, Clip ALL the toenails, take a temperature, stethoscope internals,.........NOW, .......I've experienced two different Vets, and they do none of these. 'I' have to ask them to do it. Yes, don't get me wrong, there are many good vets still, but, thiese overlookings of a traditional 'Wellness Exam' seemingly are becoming a trend.

Sir, I appreciate you telling me about your past for that takes courage. I feel priviledged that you put trust in me to do so. As you know, our society doesn't allow us to talk about such with anyone. We are all on our own as that clock ticks in the background. I wish you and Noah the best. Keep up the good work in caring for Noah. He has only you.

Regards,

Your Friend Earl

[moon_beam]

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for your kind comfort and encouragement with my own experiences enduring the physical losses of my beloved companions.

I can so well understand how you feel when you share with us: "For me, to constantly hear 'Merry Christmas' lately, or soon to be 'Happy New Year', it's almost toxic to my ears. I somehow 'fake it' in my response, but it has no meaning. Nothing has any meaning when you hurt so bad." Indeed, clinical professionals now recognize that what is supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year" can in reality be "the most horrible time of the year" when one is grieving the loss of a beloved companion - - particularly when the holidays are the "first without". This grief adjustment journey is a painful one both emotionally and physically as we struggle to re-invent our lives that no longer includes the physical presence and needs of our beloved companion(s).

I know what you mean about the cost of veterinary care which reflects the many advanced technological medical procedures now available in veterinary medicine that many years ago were only available to humans. But as with human medicine just because a procedure "can be done" does not mean that it is always beneficial to be done. Whatever decision we make on behalf of our beloved companions at any given time is the best decision for them at that time.

It is our enduring love bond that transcends the physical laws of time and space that helps us to eventually find the "new normal" to continue our earthly journey in a way that honors them. I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Earl A.]

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for your kind comfort and encouragement with my own experiences enduring the physical losses of my beloved companions.

I can so well understand how you feel when you share with us: "For me, to constantly hear 'Merry Christmas' lately, or soon to be 'Happy New Year', it's almost toxic to my ears. I somehow 'fake it' in my response, but it has no meaning. Nothing has any meaning when you hurt so bad." Indeed, clinical professionals now recognize that what is supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year" can in reality be "the most horrible time of the year" when one is grieving the loss of a beloved companion - - particularly when the holidays are the "first without". This grief adjustment journey is a painful one both emotionally and physically as we struggle to re-invent our lives that no longer includes the physical presence and needs of our beloved companion(s).

I know what you mean about the cost of veterinary care which reflects the many advanced technological medical procedures now available in veterinary medicine that many years ago were only available to humans. But as with human medicine just because a procedure "can be done" does not mean that it is always beneficial to be done. Whatever decision we make on behalf of our beloved companions at any given time is the best decision for them at that time.

It is our enduring love bond that transcends the physical laws of time and space that helps us to eventually find the "new normal" to continue our earthly journey in a way that honors them. I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I Thank You for your kindness and understanding, for I know 'You've Been There'. I'm extremely grateful of this site, for when you have no other ears to listen to you, the pain gets worse.

I want to share something with you if it's OK. This has never happened to me before. Two days after I released Steffie from her pain, I had a very short and 'VERY True to life dream, the type of dream that every second of it will remain vivid for the rest of your life. I was out in my work shop sitting in my normal chair located just inside of the overhead door, working on something in my hands. I caught something out of my eye, entering the shop towards me, and it was 'Steffie'. She was wagging her tail and had a huge smile on her face while she approached me. As I reached down to grab ahold of her, I said, "Steffie how are you back with me", and while hugging her, I said, "Steffie! You are so cold!". I then woke up.

I will admit to you Moon_Beam, I'm not the most spiritual person, but, I 'HAVE TO BELIEVE' that this was not a dream, it was really Steffie in spirit, letting me know that she was finally at peace, and to give me peace. Again, I've never had a dream that remains so sharp in my memory. Out of all the pain and torment in grieving her being gone, I try to grasp upon to her visit and find peace with myself.

Oh well, Thank You again for visiting with me, etc.. It helps very much.

Regards, Earl

[moon_beam]

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, please let me try to reassure you that the "dream" you and your beloved Steffie shared is REAL. There is no doubt in my mind that your beloved Steffie's sweet Living Spirit came to reassure you that she is restored to her former youthfulness thanks to your unselfish love that released her from her frail, failing, painful physical body - - and that she is with you now as she always has been and always will be - - for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

Some people feel quite unsettled when they experience "visits" from their beloved companions. Like you, however, I embrace them when they happen and find great comfort in knowing they still find a way to let me know their sweet Living Spirits are still with me - - that I truly am not "alone" in my continued earthly journey.

I so understand what it is like to have to put on the "public face" so that others around me will not be embarassed by the deep sorrow in my heart - - as well as to avoid as much as possible the hurtful comments from others - - including my family members - - who believe that animals are "expendable creatures" and unworthy of feelings of loss. I, too, and very thankful for this wonderful forum as a safe place where we can come to share what is in our hearts without fear of judgment or rejection. Please know we are here for you, Earl, for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Earl A.]

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, please let me try to reassure you that the "dream" you and your beloved Steffie shared is REAL. There is no doubt in my mind that your beloved Steffie's sweet Living Spirit came to reassure you that she is restored to her former youthfulness thanks to your unselfish love that released her from her frail, failing, painful physical body - - and that she is with you now as she always has been and always will be - - for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

Some people feel quite unsettled when they experience "visits" from their beloved companions. Like you, however, I embrace them when they happen and find great comfort in knowing they still find a way to let me know their sweet Living Spirits are still with me - - that I truly am not "alone" in my continued earthly journey.

I so understand what it is like to have to put on the "public face" so that others around me will not be embarassed by the deep sorrow in my heart - - as well as to avoid as much as possible the hurtful comments from others - - including my family members - - who believe that animals are "expendable creatures" and unworthy of feelings of loss. I, too, and very thankful for this wonderful forum as a safe place where we can come to share what is in our hearts without fear of judgment or rejection. Please know we are here for you, Earl, for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Moon_Beam,( that animals are "expendable creatures" and unworthy of feelings of loss.).....So sad is it not. A friend of mine went through a divorce some years back, and they had a dog while married. His ex remained in their house as well as the dog. Within months, she started having financial issues and their dog(only 7 yrs old & totally healthy) became an issue with her, and without contacting my friend she had the dog put to sleep. When I was being told this story, I simply couldn't believe what my ears were hearing. 'How' could anyone be this heartless?! I came to the conclusion back when I lost Schatszie, to have no communication with anyone concerning my personal pain, and 'Yes', even with family members. Again, the relationship/Bond between the Owner/Companion is a VERY PERSONAL and DETAILED experience.

I will tell you, I'm having a very difficult time trying to get past the fact that Steffie was only nine yrs old, even though 'I Realize' many things, such as 'I Knew' her life would be cut short due to CKF,.......'How Lucky I/She was to be blessed with a 3.5 yr extension of life after that March 2011 Diagnosis',........Owners, such as yourself whom lost their beloved friends at a Much Younger Age, etc.. With Schatszie, I finally found peace with myself, due to the fact she lived to be 12. I'm not a selfish individual, and I take all of this into consideration when I speak of Steffie being only 9.

Moon_Beam, How did you finally cope,....find peace, when you lost your friends at a very young age? The pain had to be absolutely devistating! I know you are a very strong individual from what you have told me, but 'How' did you finally move forward?

I sincerely appreciate you tolerating me. I do not want to be a nuisance at this site. It seems that I have made some headway, but, there are too many activities from that point through the rest of the day that Steffie and I did, like clockwork, and the waves of pain come and go. I just simply cannot get past the feeling that 'It wasn't fair that Steffie was only 9'.

I hope your day today was a peaceful one,

Regards,

Earl

[Earl A.]

Hi Earl, so sorry for the loss of your girl. I also recently lost my true heart dog and often feel that the pain will never end.
I can understand your sentiment about not being able to go through it again. I have a small team of working dogs to help me run my sheep farm and I love them all as they are also my companions in the house. However my HOlly was so special in her bond with me that even their love and kisses can't free me from the intense and endless feeling of loss over my special girl and I also know I will have to say goodbye to each of them one day.

Although I like to think of it that STeffie was also lucky to have found someone who cared so much for her and ensured her care. Holly too had to have several expensive surgeries and I often wonder what might have happened if she had ended up in the wrong home.
So although it hurts so much to lose them, it was also a life that you gave your STeffie that she may not have otherwise had. This is the thought that helps me to try and feel peace with my girl's loss.
My mother is 85 and also recently lost her special dog and with my encouragement has recently adopted an older dog from rescue. Although she still mourns her girl she is starting to find joy in the older girl she rescued.

Anyway sorry for your loss and both your girls had such a wonderful life and bond with you, that in its self was a gift although it does make the parting so hard, like a huge hole in your heart.

Dear SummerHolly, As you know, these Holidays have not helped you or I making progress, especially today. As Moon_Beam had stated about putting on the 'Public Face' during all the happiness, glee, festivities that these Holidays bring. Both of our situations prior to and after have much in common with both Holly and Steffie. I too had many, many negative things occurring weeks prior to Steffie showing signs of going into fourth stage CKF. I was juggling many issues while trying to get Steffie's appetite back on line. I feel for you as per your location in regards to accessibility to a Vet.

As with your strong Bond with Holly, Steffie and I were literally attached at the hip after so many health issues, with each one being conquered except the CKF diagnosis in March of 2011.

Yes, I too can't really accept the fact that Steffie is gone. I make progress, but then, I'm bombarded each and every morning, then off and on during the day, of things I 'Said To' or 'Things I did' to/with Steffie, and......SHE's NOT THERE!

I must tell you, you must concentrate on the fact that you had Holly for '14' long beautiful years, you have to. I finally used that approach in making headway when I lost Schatszie. For Steffie, I'm having the most difficulty in getting past the fact that she was only 9 yrs old,....I simply feel that she was robbed. It's just simply not fair, especially due to the fact that she spent the last 3.5 years with off and on stomach growelings, nausea, regardless of the medications.

If it wasn't for this site to write to, and speaking to such a wonderful human being like Moon_Beam, I would only feel like crawling into a hole somewhere to die, for, the only possible annecdote, would be for me to waive my magic wand and bring Steffie back to life in my arms.

Just try to concentrate on the fact you had Holly for 14 long years.

I wish I could say that about my Steffie.

Earl

[SummerHolly]

Dear SummerHolly, As you know, these Holidays have not helped you or I making progress, especially today. As Moon_Beam had stated about putting on the 'Public Face' during all the happiness, glee, festivities that these Holidays bring. Both of our situations prior to and after have much in common with both Holly and Steffie. I too had many, many negative things occurring weeks prior to Steffie showing signs of going into fourth stage CKF. I was juggling many issues while trying to get Steffie's appetite back on line. I feel for you as per your location in regards to accessibility to a Vet.

As with your strong Bond with Holly, Steffie and I were literally attached at the hip after so many health issues, with each one being conquered except the CKF diagnosis in March of 2011.

Yes, I too can't really accept the fact that Steffie is gone. I make progress, but then, I'm bombarded each and every morning, then off and on during the day, of things I 'Said To' or 'Things I did' to/with Steffie, and......SHE's NOT THERE!

I must tell you, you must concentrate on the fact that you had Holly for '14' long beautiful years, you have to. I finally used that approach in making headway when I lost Schatszie. For Steffie, I'm having the most difficulty in getting past the fact that she was only 9 yrs old,....I simply feel that she was robbed. It's just simply not fair, especially due to the fact that she spent the last 3.5 years with off and on stomach growelings, nausea, regardless of the medications.

If it wasn't for this site to write to, and speaking to such a wonderful human being like Moon_Beam, I would only feel like crawling into a hole somewhere to die, for, the only possible annecdote, would be for me to waive my magic wand and bring Steffie back to life in my arms.

Just try to concentrate on the fact you had Holly for 14 long years.

I wish I could say that about my Steffie.

Earl

Hi Earl, yes I had my Holly for 14 years but her breed is notoriously long lived and I had one live to nearly 17 so I still feel ripped off. I dont think it is ever enough time. You want them to be with you always. However I know realistically 14 is a very good age and that does bring some comfort. I think I was just so shocked at how unexpected it all was. If it had been at 9 years old yes I would have felt really ripped off for my dog, so I can understand how you feel about Steffie, just extra hard.

Now I lost one of mine when she was only 3yo. She had been through a few health issues with her elbows and pyometra but one day she picked up a toxic marine slug. Through a series of circumstances that still make me shudder and leave me feeling partly responsible, I left her at the vet at midnight fully expecting her to pull through but there was a novice vet on, it was a very hot night and the airconditioning had failed and she didnt receive adequate cooling and it was too much for her little body and all her organs overheated from her shaking and failed. I was shocked when I phoned the next morning to be told that she had died. 7 years later it stills haunts me to a degree that a combination of me not getting her to the vet sooner and then the situation at the vets resulted in her death, even though I know that many dogs die after licking this particular creature. She was only a baby and I feel that I let her down big time.

Going back to your visitation dream from Steffie that is indeed a blessing. I am not a particularly spiritual person myself but although I have unfortunately never had a visitation dream from my dogs, I have had 2.

One night I had a dream that my horse came to me and I felt like he was saying goodbye. I had him since he was 2 and he was at that time 25. I hadnt seen him for at least 2 years as he was agisted at my BIL's horse stud, living the good life while I was working far away. He was a very special horse, very quirky and we were pretty bonded. I woke up and about half an hour later I received a phone call telling me that he had passed peacefully in the night in his paddock. I was quite stunned really. It seemed such a weird coincidence. After my father passed I had the same thing. He came to me in a dream and told me to tell my mother and sister that he loved us and we would see him again. There was then a loud knocking and a bright light and he told me he had to go and passed through a door.

Both visitations whatever they might mean bring comfort. I just wish I could have had something similar with my dogs. Maybe that would be too greedy.

I visited my family for Xmas and I carried with me my favourite photo of my Holly. My family seemed to understand as they are animal lovers. I often talk to her and tell her how I am feeling. I think I am gradually feeling more at peace but I think it will take a long time still.

This is indeed a wonderful site to share how we are feeling. Moonbeam has certainly been through it all and takes the time to show caring and understanding and wisdom to all of us who come here. Not many people would take the time to do that for others.

Yes if I could wave a magic wand and sometimes I too feel that it is hard to go on and that life is much poorer without my special Holly. I do take some comfort in my other dogs. One in particular my baby dog is making a real effort to connect with me and is becoming my little shadow. She is the same breed and colour as my Holly and I have to be careful not to expect her to be the same but to get to know her personality. I think my other dogs are what keep me going, although Holly will always be my special girl.

Yes I still cry for her and mornings are the worst when I wake up and cant quite believe she is gone, or when I an getting ready to go on a walk I miss her enthusiastic barking and her being first to welcome me at the door and the special looks we shared between us. So I totally get how bad it is when they are simply not there to share those daily routines.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. From my personal experiences with losses, I have come to realize that this grief journey is one of "adjustment" to the physical absence of our beloved companions - - instead of one of "moving forward / moving on" - - for these words imply "putting behind / forgetting / letting go" of our beloved companions - - and this is just not possible for they are always and forever a part of our hearts and memories - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to us.

I was totally devastated when my number one kitty son Eli was diagnosed with end stage Lymphoma. He had come through so much in his life needing the benefit of Valium for the feline version of Severe Personality Disorder / Schizophrenia. Yes, even our companions can be subject to mental health disorders. When he had an episode even the physical bone structure in his face changed to distortion. With the Valium he was able to live a reasonably healthy and happy life. When he was 3 three years old Noah and his beautiful baby sibling sister joined our home, and Noah and Eli bonded immediately. For the next 3 years Eli blossomed into the happiest best big kitty brother Noah could have ever had. And Noah simply adored his big adopted kitty brother. When Eli joined the angels, my precious Noah deeply grieved for Eli, as did I, but I also grieved for Noah who had a very difficult time adjusting to Eli's physical absence. The good news was that he and his baby sister were also inseparable, and he continued his role as caregiver for her. And then 3.5 years later he became the sole survivor, and that was another huge adjustment for the both of us.

You ask a universal question: "How did you finally cope,....find peace, when you lost your friends at a very young age? The pain had to be absolutely devistating!" There is no such thing as "getting over" the physical loss of a loved one - - whoever the life form. Eventually, hopefully, there comes a time when the deep grief eases and we are able to think of our beloved companions with a happy heart. But even now in my senior years as I recall my beloved companions with whom I have been blessed to share their earthly journey many years ago there are times when a mist still comes to my eyes and an ache to my heart to hold them "just one more time." But these moments of sadness are short-lived for I now feel the warmth of our memories, and am comforted greatly as I realize that each of them who are now with the angels are restored to their former youthfulness - - no more pain, no more suffering of their former physical bodies to endure.

I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, Earl, but unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. The only way to get to this point in our grief adjustment journey is one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in our own way and in our own time. And hopefully along the way with finding comfort, support, and encouragement from others who truly do understand what you are going through, and will be with you, for you, and beside you for as long and as often as you need them.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Earl A.]

Hi Earl, yes I had my Holly for 14 years but her breed is notoriously long lived and I had one live to nearly 17 so I still feel ripped off. I dont think it is ever enough time. You want them to be with you always. However I know realistically 14 is a very good age and that does bring some comfort. I think I was just so shocked at how unexpected it all was. If it had been at 9 years old yes I would have felt really ripped off for my dog, so I can understand how you feel about Steffie, just extra hard.

Now I lost one of mine when she was only 3yo. She had been through a few health issues with her elbows and pyometra but one day she picked up a toxic marine slug. Through a series of circumstances that still make me shudder and leave me feeling partly responsible, I left her at the vet at midnight fully expecting her to pull through but there was a novice vet on, it was a very hot night and the airconditioning had failed and she didnt receive adequate cooling and it was too much for her little body and all her organs overheated from her shaking and failed. I was shocked when I phoned the next morning to be told that she had died. 7 years later it stills haunts me to a degree that a combination of me not getting her to the vet sooner and then the situation at the vets resulted in her death, even though I know that many dogs die after licking this particular creature. She was only a baby and I feel that I let her down big time.

Going back to your visitation dream from Steffie that is indeed a blessing. I am not a particularly spiritual person myself but although I have unfortunately never had a visitation dream from my dogs, I have had 2.

One night I had a dream that my horse came to me and I felt like he was saying goodbye. I had him since he was 2 and he was at that time 25. I hadnt seen him for at least 2 years as he was agisted at my BIL's horse stud, living the good life while I was working far away. He was a very special horse, very quirky and we were pretty bonded. I woke up and about half an hour later I received a phone call telling me that he had passed peacefully in the night in his paddock. I was quite stunned really. It seemed such a weird coincidence. After my father passed I had the same thing. He came to me in a dream and told me to tell my mother and sister that he loved us and we would see him again. There was then a loud knocking and a bright light and he told me he had to go and passed through a door.

Both visitations whatever they might mean bring comfort. I just wish I could have had something similar with my dogs. Maybe that would be too greedy.

I visited my family for Xmas and I carried with me my favourite photo of my Holly. My family seemed to understand as they are animal lovers. I often talk to her and tell her how I am feeling. I think I am gradually feeling more at peace but I think it will take a long time still.

This is indeed a wonderful site to share how we are feeling. Moonbeam has certainly been through it all and takes the time to show caring and understanding and wisdom to all of us who come here. Not many people would take the time to do that for others.

Yes if I could wave a magic wand and sometimes I too feel that it is hard to go on and that life is much poorer without my special Holly. I do take some comfort in my other dogs. One in particular my baby dog is making a real effort to connect with me and is becoming my little shadow. She is the same breed and colour as my Holly and I have to be careful not to expect her to be the same but to get to know her personality. I think my other dogs are what keep me going, although Holly will always be my special girl.

Yes I still cry for her and mornings are the worst when I wake up and cant quite believe she is gone, or when I an getting ready to go on a walk I miss her enthusiastic barking and her being first to welcome me at the door and the special looks we shared between us. So I totally get how bad it is when they are simply not there to share those daily routines.

Hi SummerHoly, I'm not a very spiritual person either, but that visit from Steffie, I have to believe it was very real. It's all I have to grasp onto, for some form of peace.

When Steffie and I were at the University Vet Clinic in March 2011, and after they had completed all the tests, then told me her life would be cut short by months or years, I felt like I only weighed a couple of ponds, and after a minute, all I could say in response was,...."I hope she lives to at least 9 yrs old."(She was almost 6 then). Isn't it very strange that she passed or her kidney condition went to stage 4 just a month past her 9th birthday. Maybe a coincidence, but, I wonder.

All I know, I really do not think I can sustain this pain again. Vet care is so damn expensive now, and no, I couldn't imagine a person shooting their sick dog vs. finding another form of financial aid to make them well again. I knew of a person that always had a doberman. He never put up a fence around his property, so he kept his dog on a chain. He would always give bones to his dog, until one time they got lodged in his intestinal tract. He had his vet come out to diagnose, and said they would have to do surgery to remove the bone(s). This person instead put his dog down with a .22 round then buried him. Theres a lot of people out there that proclaim themselves as pet lovers, such as this individual. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I brought this up, because I know both you and I have beat ourselves up, saying we should have done this, done that, etc., but, irregardless, we would have given our souls away if only we could have saved Holly and Steffie.

If only I could get past the fact that Steffie only lived a pitiful 9 yrs and such a sweet, benevolent girl.

SummerHolly, I'm truly sorry that we both(as well as others that had a very special loving bond with their companion) have had to sustain such pain. If I could only waive my magic wand and make it all right again.

As time marches on......

Take care of yourself.

Regards,

Earl

[Earl A.]

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. From my personal experiences with losses, I have come to realize that this grief journey is one of "adjustment" to the physical absence of our beloved companions - - instead of one of "moving forward / moving on" - - for these words imply "putting behind / forgetting / letting go" of our beloved companions - - and this is just not possible for they are always and forever a part of our hearts and memories - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to us.

I was totally devastated when my number one kitty son Eli was diagnosed with end stage Lymphoma. He had come through so much in his life needing the benefit of Valium for the feline version of Severe Personality Disorder / Schizophrenia. Yes, even our companions can be subject to mental health disorders. When he had an episode even the physical bone structure in his face changed to distortion. With the Valium he was able to live a reasonably healthy and happy life. When he was 3 three years old Noah and his beautiful baby sibling sister joined our home, and Noah and Eli bonded immediately. For the next 3 years Eli blossomed into the happiest best big kitty brother Noah could have ever had. And Noah simply adored his big adopted kitty brother. When Eli joined the angels, my precious Noah deeply grieved for Eli, as did I, but I also grieved for Noah who had a very difficult time adjusting to Eli's physical absence. The good news was that he and his baby sister were also inseparable, and he continued his role as caregiver for her. And then 3.5 years later he became the sole survivor, and that was another huge adjustment for the both of us.

You ask a universal question: "How did you finally cope,....find peace, when you lost your friends at a very young age? The pain had to be absolutely devistating!" There is no such thing as "getting over" the physical loss of a loved one - - whoever the life form. Eventually, hopefully, there comes a time when the deep grief eases and we are able to think of our beloved companions with a happy heart. But even now in my senior years as I recall my beloved companions with whom I have been blessed to share their earthly journey many years ago there are times when a mist still comes to my eyes and an ache to my heart to hold them "just one more time." But these moments of sadness are short-lived for I now feel the warmth of our memories, and am comforted greatly as I realize that each of them who are now with the angels are restored to their former youthfulness - - no more pain, no more suffering of their former physical bodies to endure.

I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, Earl, but unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. The only way to get to this point in our grief adjustment journey is one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in our own way and in our own time. And hopefully along the way with finding comfort, support, and encouragement from others who truly do understand what you are going through, and will be with you, for you, and beside you for as long and as often as you need them.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Moon_Beam, I Thank You for spending some time with me. To be honest with you, I'm down to you and somewhat with my Vet, as to the only ones I can discuss Steffie. My Sister, whom surrounds herself with many animals, is no longer dependable....."I need to move on, It's in the past,...It's Done." Well you know the feeling. Don't think my Sister nor my Parents ever shed a tear when loosing a companion. Yes, they loved and took very good care of them, but, they 'move on', 'let go', they do not believe in grieving. So, yes, if it wasn't for you Moon_Beam, and a text message from my Vet yesterday, I would be on my own. My Vet sent me a text yesterday PM and told me she was praying for me, and to wish me a Merry Christmas & Happy New Year. This made me feel better and created some progress. As you know Moon_Beam, we all want to blame ourselves to a certain degree after the loss, as if we should have done this and that via medical issues. I hate to repeat myself, but being single, with no kids, etc., this 'world' and 'such grief' is unknown by others with wives/kids/etc.(Such as my Sister). They think their grief is equivalent to mine. They have not a clue.

"The only way to get to this point in our grief adjustment journey is one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in our own way and in our own time. And hopefully along the way with finding comfort, support, and encouragement from others who truly do understand what you are going through, and will be with you, for you, and beside you for as long and as often as you need them." Yes, you are so right Moon_Beam, especially,...."in our own way and in our own time".

At the Post Office today, the clerk asked me how my Christmas was. They know me well, as do most around here, because Steffie was with me everywhere I went/drove. I haven't told her or the Bank Drive-Thru Tellers, etc., about Steffie. The tellers still send out milk bones thinking Steffie is in the car. I can't tell them Moon_Beam because I'll break out in tears. For whatever reason, I went ahead and only told the Post Office Lady that I just spent Christmas Day by myself, Well she asked me about Steffie, and it was all I could do to tell her that I put her to sleep, then I had to politely say my goodbye and exit the lobby before I started crying.

Damn, I move forward 6 or seven steps getting better, then 10 steps backward. As you said, "somtimes one moment at a time". Moon_Beam, I think sometimes if I could only find a hole to crawl into and die. I know time will offer final peace, but you sometimes wonder for how much longer can one sustain this.

I hope you and Noah had a peaceful day yesterday and everyday. I know that everyday that you and Noah are together are golden ones. You have sustained too much pain in your life and I admire your courage to move forward one day at a time. Your words express your nonending wisdom.

Regards,

Earl

[SummerHolly]

Earl, I can understand your situation and why you would not want to experience the pain again.

With me my life is so entwined with my dogs that despite the pain of losing them I dont think I could be without them in my life, they almost define who I am. I couldnt run my farm by myself without them. I train them, I work them, I trial them, I hike with them and the friends I have met through trialing them them have been great and understand the pain of losing a dog, even the married ones when they lose their special dog parther. I now usually always insure them for the first couple of years of their life which has in the past caught a few conditions.

Holly has been the worst loss because she was extra special. I grieve for her every day and often shed a tear, wishing she was back by my side, I still cant really belive she is gone, but I also am starting to regain the joy I get from my other dogs. They are my family really. Each one a gift. I know I will go through more painful losses but the joy I get from them and in giving them a very rich life is what helps get me through it all.

Unfortunately you have to move through this painful journey at your own pace, but you are certainly not alone. I have read quite a few peoples journeys with the loss of their pets and they all make me shed a tear because of the huge depth of feeling some people have for their special animals. We simply love then so much.

You just have to keep writing and expressing your grief for Steffie, we all know how it feels. Everytime I read your post I know how deeply it hurts. We all have different ways of coping but it is always hard.

[Earl A.]

Earl, I can understand your situation and why you would not want to experience the pain again.

With me my life is so entwined with my dogs that despite the pain of losing them I dont think I could be without them in my life, they almost define who I am. I couldnt run my farm by myself without them. I train them, I work them, I trial them, I hike with them and the friends I have met through trialing them them have been great and understand the pain of losing a dog, even the married ones when they lose their special dog parther. I now usually always insure them for the first couple of years of their life which has in the past caught a few conditions.

Holly has been the worst loss because she was extra special. I grieve for her every day and often shed a tear, wishing she was back by my side, I still cant really belive she is gone, but I also am starting to regain the joy I get from my other dogs. They are my family really. Each one a gift. I know I will go through more painful losses but the joy I get from them and in giving them a very rich life is what helps get me through it all.

Unfortunately you have to move through this painful journey at your own pace, but you are certainly not alone. I have read quite a few peoples journeys with the loss of their pets and they all make me shed a tear because of the huge depth of feeling some people have for their special animals. We simply love then so much.

You just have to keep writing and expressing your grief for Steffie, we all know how it feels. Everytime I read your post I know how deeply it hurts. We all have different ways of coping but it is always hard.

Dear Summer Holly, Theres no doubt that without this site to express ourselves, 'let it out', it would be so much harder, so much. Me myself, I have other issues in the background. Steffie was my power base. She kept my chin up and I her's. I had to move my Parent's into a retirement facility, barely escaping the need for 'Assisted Living'. My Father is just barely haging on with only one kidney and my Mother has mid + stage of Alz. I do not bring this issue up for sympathy reasons. My Father could go any day as his condition gets weaker, requiring dialysis. If he should go, I fear my Mother's condition will freefall, and will automatically require assisted living.

They say that bad or negative things happen in 'threes'. My record since October has put that theory to rest, and I know you can relate to this, as to what you've been through lately. It's like,...."WHEN WILL SOMETHING 'GOOD' HAPPEN!".

I loved Steffie more than anyone could ever imagine, for I will never truly know how much you loved Holly, ONLY you know this. I know my Vet realizes my situation.

All I know, life will NEVER be the same again, regardless how well you try to 'Wax Eloquent'. I respect many of these theories on how to move forward, etc, etc.. But, they are not universal, as well that I know while I'm thinking my situation is bad, there is some poor soul out there whose situation is shaddowing mine. I do not want to make my situation unique to anyone else's. Guess you might say 'I'm Airing Out'. Steffie was the only peace I knew for only 9 short years. If ONLY I could have had her just one more year, for I fear 2015 will be no better than 2014 was.

[SummerHolly]

Yep, the whole bad things happen in threes was blown out the water for me in 2014, things seemed to go from bad to worse with no end in sight

Yes I loved Holly more than anything else and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't shed a little tear for her and want her back. However I am by nature a fairly resilient person. You have to be out here, hammered year after year with droughts as the climate change takes hold. Although I got a taste of what depression might be like as I felt my heart and soul disappearing with Holly with no way to change what happened.

This site is wonderful for being able to share you thoughts because everyone is going through their own journey and there is only support.

Yes it is a personal journey that only you can make. I find it helpful to read other people's stories. I think I have read most of them on this site and the poems that people have written to express how they feel. I don't know why but it actually helps me. I have also started to think about all the positive things in my life with Holly and feel blessed I could give such a gentle loving soul a reason to completely trust me which she did.

Yes watching your parents age sucks big time. I dread the day I lose my mother. Alz is a terrible disease, I can think of nothing worse to watch a person go through this. At least here you can keep airing how you feel if you need to.

[Earl A.]

Yep, the whole bad things happen in threes was blown out the water for me in 2014, things seemed to go from bad to worse with no end in sight

Yes I loved Holly more than anything else and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't shed a little tear for her and want her back. However I am by nature a fairly resilient person. You have to be out here, hammered year after year with droughts as the climate change takes hold. Although I got a taste of what depression might be like as I felt my heart and soul disappearing with Holly with no way to change what happened.

This site is wonderful for being able to share you thoughts because everyone is going through their own journey and there is only support.

Yes it is a personal journey that only you can make. I find it helpful to read other people's stories. I think I have read most of them on this site and the poems that people have written to express how they feel. I don't know why but it actually helps me. I have also started to think about all the positive things in my life with Holly and feel blessed I could give such a gentle loving soul a reason to completely trust me which she did.

Yes watching your parents age sucks big time. I dread the day I lose my mother. Alz is a terrible disease, I can think of nothing worse to watch a person go through this. At least here you can keep airing how you feel if you need to.

I sure am happy for you that you are making some technical headway SummerHolly. I guess each individual keeps searching that massive ring of keys in hopes of finding at least one that unlocks some relief. Like you, I've tried to concentrate on the good times but it defaults back to 'She's Not Here'. Like you, my mornings are absolutely the worst. Steffie slept with me in my bed, her head next to mine with her own pillow. The past couple of days I've tried to concentrate on Steffie's 'Visit'/Dream, with her big smile and her tail wagging. It seems to help, but, then I go outside and every damn thing I see or do just drags me back to square one.

I don't know where you are located, but it sounds like with the droughts, farm activities, etc., etc., that this is helping you also. I'm sure everyday is a different and new day for you. This site was helpful to me back in 2005 and here I am back again. Its nice to know you among friends that have been there or are going through it. The prognosis isn't good when you can't talk about it.

I never told you about my horse 'Victor'. When my Sister and I were young, my Father bought a mare('Ginger')(became my Sister's horse) then bred her and then 'Victor'. I still have my/his saddle in my closet. His name was tooled into the top back edge of seat. I will tell you the story at a later time. What happened to Victor forever impacted me when loosing our pets.

I will chat later, but I'm again, glad you are doing better. Its nice to know when something works as such.

Whats so strange about this process we are going through, I personally have a guilt conscience whenever I prepare my meals. There is absolutely nothing exciting about 'eating' anymore. Then when I eat, its like I'm forcing the food down not enjoying each and every bite. Everything(work, projects around here) you have to force yourself to start it, let alone finish it.

Yes, make no mistake about it, Holy, Steffie, Schatszie and all of our beloved friends were literally attached to us. We lead them and they lead us.

Regards,

Earl